Thursday, August 1, 2013

Government to Research Singing Talents of Admiral Yi

In traditional history classes, children are taught of the famous Korean Admiral Yi Sun-shin, who saved the country from a massive Japanese invasion plan armed with little more than a handful of ships made with superior Korean wood. But increasingly, children in school are reported to be questioning whether they should be learning about a man who apparently had no musical talent and only became famous by doing his job in the military.

While Admiral Yi has been portrayed in Korean television productions including this year's fusion martial arts action historical drama 'Gu Family Book' starring Lee Seung-gi (26) and Bae Suzy (18) - which centers around a half-man half-foreign monster searching for an ancient book which contains the secret of how to become fully Korean - many children have realized that the Admiral Yi who appears in the show is not the real one, and that Admiral Yi himself was not, in fact, an actor at all.

Further confusion was caused in March when KBS showed a soap opera that reimagines the Yi story. "Yi Sun-shin: the Best" turned the role of Yi into a woman played by singer and actress IU, 20, and it told the story of how Yi makes it as a big star by overcoming hardship despite her poor background and lack of access to plastic surgery, purely by using strong determination. Some criticized the modern retelling of Yi's story - saying the portrayal of Yi as a fragile whore was contributing to the womanification of Korea, but others said it was basically the same story.

Politicians are growing concerned that as society increasingly values the status of entertainers above all other groups, Korea's considerable achievements in other areas such as constantly fighting off invasions will become devalued, making it difficult to maintain continued public support for military spending aimed at preventing invasions from Japan, China, North Korea and the United States in future.

Privately, government officials also admit seeing the Korean Wave as a way in which the country could exercise so-called 'soft-power' around the world appears to have been contradicted by military simulations which suggest K-pop idols stationed along the North Korean border exercising their soft power would prove to be an ineffective defense against an attack by Pyongyang even if it would be a TV ratings hit. Earlier this month, the Ministry of Defense decided to disband its entertainment core after a disastrous misunderstanding of its purpose led to members being filmed leaving a brothel late at night.

To try and counter declining interest in the military, the Ministry of Defense has now announced a research project aimed at discovering whether there are any records of Admiral Yi singing, or exhibiting other talents such as acting which are increasingly favored in modern Korea. It is believed that if Yi could be presented as an entertainer who also acted to beat off the Japanese, his proper place in history would be assured, and once again children would be reminded of the importance of performing military service for their nation inbetween their stage performances. If evidence can be found, money has already been put aside to alter numerous statues of Admiral Yi erected by previous generations, changing him from a tall imposing figure, into a tall imposing figure with a microphone.

Intriguingly, some old statues of Yi built by previous generations appear to possibly depict him in the traditional act of hanbok pole-dancing, but if this was based on historical records they appear to have been lost or altered.

18-year-old singer and actress Bae Suzy - a former member of girl group 'miss A' - won Mnet 20's Choice Award for 20's Drama Star (Female) for her appearance in 'Gu Family Book', while 26-year-old singer and actor Lee Seung-gi was nominated for 20's Drama Star (Male) and co-star Lee Yu-bi (22), the daughter of 48-year-old singer and actress Kyeon Mi-ri, was nominated for 20's Booming Star even though she just acts. Veteran Korean actor Yoo Dong-geun, 57, appeared as Admiral Yi. Yoo became an activist for the 'Sunfull Movement' against cyberbullying in 2007, and gained combat experience in later that year when he assaulted two producers of the King and I, a historical drama series which aired on SBS starring Oh Man Suk, Koo Hye Sun, Ko Joo Won, and Lee Jin.

During its original broadcast from April to June, the 'Gu Family Book' audience grew from 12.2% in the Seoul National Capital area to 22.9% by its 24th and last episode.

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Admiral Yi

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Friday, July 26, 2013

Ruling Against Sham International Marriages Threatens US-Korea Relationship

A minor district court's move against so-called 'sham international marriages' could cause a profound change in the relationship between South Korea and the United States, experts have warned.

The Busan District Court ruled on Sunday that a denial of a visa extension for a foreign worker is justified when there are sufficient grounds to believe that his marriage to a Korean woman appears appears not to be "genuine". The ruling showed the courts are becoming less tolerant of sham international marriages involving vulnerable Koreans given the recent alarming increase in the population of male foreigners in the country.

In the case, a Pakistani man, identified as "M", didn't live together with his supposed Korean wife, and the couple didn't remember their first date. It is also unclear when South Korea and the United States started their relationship, and the U.S. has seemingly made no real attempts to understand Korea's unique culture, while simultaneously developing relationships with other countries, creating the impression that it's relationship with South Korea is also not genuine.

Many have also cited the obvious problems with communication between South Korea and the United States as a reason to doubt the validity of the relationship, coupled with occasional outbreaks of domestic violence. While there is some evidence that Korea has made attempts to learn its alleged partner's language, there has been no such reciprocity on the part of the U.S. - suggesting that at the very least Korea was duped into a relationship which allowed the U.S. to stay in Korea.

In the face of allegations that the relationship is a sham, South Korea and the United States issued a public statement earlier this year claiming that their relationship was "stronger than ever", but privately the U.S. Is believed to have said that it wants to leave the country as soon as possible, while South Korea has asked it not to so it can be given more time to change.

Legal experts say that even if South Korea wants to maintain the relationship, the 'prima-facie' case suggests it could well fall under the new definition of 'sham international marriages', if the legal ruling in Busan is held to be applicable to Seoul.

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Busan Announces Sister City Initiative With Fukushima and Chernobyl

Busan 2014
South Korea's second-class city of Busan has announced agreements to create cultural, commercial and civic cleaning links with the internationally renowned cities of Fukushima in Japan, and Chernobyl in Ukraine.

Both cities were made famous by their association with nuclear disasters, but Busan's political leadership were keen to assure the public that the decision to twin with the foreign cities was merely symbolic, and not an indication of any lack of faith in the aging but perfectly safe Gori-1 nuclear plant, near Busan, which has now entered the 35th year of its 30-year design life.

However, according to a leak on the nuclear issue, a Busan city report said that it is "better to create links between us and these other unique cities now, as after any disaster we are likely to be operating from a different location and it will be much more difficult to organize civic ties. The public expect us to plan ahead."

The Gori complex was Korea's first venture into nuclear power, and Gori-1 was originally shut down in 2007 as planned before growing power shortages threatened the Korean economy, forcing it to be reopened two years later. Since then, reports of a number of incidents at Gori have leaked out. The Ministry of Factual Economy has stressed that legally these should be portrayed as 'happenings', rather than accidents, also assuring citizens that "Busan is a long way from Seoul". An official for Korea Hydra & Nuclear Power (KHNP) said "It is unfortunate that the Gori reactor has suffered a series of malfunctions over the past year."

In February one unfortunate happening occurred when an external subcontractor accidentally pressed the wrong button and switched the power off to the nuclear plant, causing the reactor cooling system to fail for 12 minutes. A sign has now been placed above the button which reads "Please do not press this button again".

But the citizens of Busan, given a choice between power for their smartphones or a nuclear-free future, have logically opted to keep the phones which will likely provide their first warning of a disaster at the nearby nuclear complex. Despite this, there is a recognition of the risks they face; in a recent episode of the hit television series "I Want to be a Survivor", a Gori nuclear worker who sang of his fears for his safety and that of his children was quickly voted off the program after judges said his act would probably "lack longevity".

Last week Greenpeace's $32 million battleship 'Rainbow Warrior III' approached the Gori nuclear power station complex, but the pay-per-view media group's vessel was required to stay 500 meters away from the plant as according to a safety engineer who agreed to speak off the record "anything unexpected could trigger it". Korea's nuclear authority have condemned the leak, but said it was not unexpected.

In addition to trying to provoke a meltdown and endanger the lives of millions of Koreans, four activitists belonging to Greenpeace were taken into custody after a 52-hour high-altitude stunt which involved climbing to the top of one of the towers of Busan's Gwangan Bridge. The climb mirrors a similar stunt in London last week where Greenpeace members climbed to the top of a small office building called "The Shard". Many foreign Greenpeace activists are said to enjoy getting high.

One of the activists, Soon Joong-kwon, said he was very proud to have climbed Gwangan Bridge to show that 3.43 million citizens are exposed to nuclear risks, but when questioned by The Dokdo Times, none of the 3.43 million citizens in Busan said they had seen him, indicating that the protest had failed. The three foreign activist ringleaders were later moved to an immigration detention center before being deportated.

Korea officially uses a 7-point 'nuclear event' scale which starts a zero and ends at 7:

South Korea Nuclear Event Scale
0. A 'deviation' from normal operation if there is such a thing which there isn't so this level of happening is classed as 'zero'
1. An 'anomaly' – tap the dial, or hit it with a hammer if this doesn't work
2. An 'incident' limited to the plant itself which can easily be covered up
3. A 'serious incident' still limited to the plant and its immediate surroundings, which can still be covered up but staff should not take their cars home until it's rained a few times
4. An 'accident with local consequences' – staff should give the local restaurants a miss but try to smile through their remaining teeth – the local newspaper may run a small story if it can't be bribed not to
5. An 'accident with wider consequences' – a national newspaper picks up the story if it can't be bribed or pressured not to
6. A 'serious accident' – the president has to make a statement that everything is OK
7. A 'major accident' – the president has to make a statement that everything is OK from another country

Source: The Dokdo Times

However, officials have consistently denied the existence of a 9th point which according to leaks is simply known as 'Busan 2014'.

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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Hackers Spend Four Years Trying to Find South Korean Military Secrets

Possible Suspect
A mysterious group of computer hackers has reportedly spent four years trying to steal South Korea's military secrets. However, it is believed that the group gave up trying to obtain military secrets recently after concluding that South Korea didn't have any, as they had all already been leaked or stolen.

The group, which is said to be anonymous, but not Anonymous, probably started operating in 2009 according to records obtained by The Dokdo Times from the National Intelligence Service, which supplied them on condition of anonymity.

The records indicate that computers belonging to all government ministries and branches of the military services were breached after the hackers discovered secret 'super passwords' used by intelligence agencies to gain access to computers belonging to all government ministries and branches of the military services. These were reportedly 'kimchi', 'kim', 'dokdo', 'password', and '12345'. The Dokdo Times was able to verify that as it went to print today many of these so-called 'super passwords' still appeared to work, although computer logs indicate that the hackers stopped downloading the contents of the computers last week.

The breach in security by the hackers was found when an employee in the Ministry of Technology inserted an unlabeled disk containing a copy of U.S. security software 'McAfee' into his computer, thinking it was a copy of Microsoft Office. Because the software ran in English it was two hours before the employee – who is understood to 35 years old and named Kim – noticed the mistake, by which time it had already found 56 different computer viruses and 187 so-called 'spyware programs' one of which transpired to have been written by the mysterious hacking group. All of the rogue programs had apparently escaped detection by home-grown anti-virus software, because they were foreign in nature, and had therefore been politely ignored.

The attack has been named "Operation Troy", because the word "Troy" frequently appears in the code of the malicious software. The Foreign Ministry has filed a formal complaint with the Turkish government – who have denied involvement. The Ministry of Justice is also believed to be interested in questioning two American brothers named Warner over the incident.

However, researchers with the U.S. security software maker Symantec Corp say they have uncovered evidence that the attack is the work of a group dubbed the "Dark Seoul Gang". Following the breakthrough, the Seoul Cyber Crimes Unit announced they have arrested four black men in connection with the attack. Initial reports indicate they are likely to be American military personnel.

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Sunday, May 19, 2013

American Foods to Face Anti-American Tax

American-fed vs Korean-fed Mouse
American food makers may face taxes to cover the cost of domestic food makers losing business and causing stress to their owners. 36-year-old Independent Rep. Moon Dae-sung has submitted a bill to control sales of 'high-calorie and low-nutrient foods' which 'threaten the public health'.

Moon is a taekwondo Olympic gold medalist, who recently came under fire for plagiarizing his doctoral thesis, and the tax on American foods appears to also have also been copied from elsewhere; identical taxes on 'fat foods' have been imposed by those opposed to American culture in Denmark, France and Hungary and New York.

The cost of treating the so-called mom-and-pop owners of traditional Korean food vendors - whose products young people no longer want to eat - was nearly 1.8 trillion won ($1.6 billion) in 2011, according to the state-run Korea Institute for Health and Social Cohesion.

Supporters of the bill said products subject to the tax would be those high in Americanism and low in Koreanism as registered by the Ministry of Food and Drug Safety, which is responsible for dealing with issues related to Americans under its drug remit. The Ministry has so far designated a total of 1,673 products including hamburgers, cookies and chocolates as high in American culture – culture which they say could easily reproduce even if the food is cooked properly, causing intestinal diseases and other American problems.

Experts welcomed the bill, hoping it will help reduce the excessive consumption of American culture. "We recommend that people limit themselves to consuming no more than 25% American culture per day" the Korean Society for the Study of Americans said in a statement. According to the organization, American food is one of the key causes of a wide range of diseases among the owners of gimbab fast-food diners, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and cancer.

Alarmingly, there is evidence that American food is causing the unique body shape of Koreans to become more Western. According to a survey by the Korean Agency for Technology and Standards last year, forty-something men have legs which are 1cm longer than their counterparts eight years ago, probably because of human growth hormones in American beef.

Some also accuse American food of causing obesity; earlier this year a survey of 87,000 schoolchildren by the Ministry of Education, Science and Technology found that obesity is a bigger problem in the Korean countryside than in the cities, due to the high number of American junk-food outlets in rural areas disguised as farm buildings.

Studies conducted on mice also show that a mouse fed an American diet becomes up to three times larger than its Korean counterpart, after which it appears happy but relatively immobile before dying prematurely of obesity-related illnesses. The much smaller Korean mouse however, continues to scurry around its maze unhappily before dying prematurely of stress-related illnesses or by committing suicide. Experts are uncertain what causes the underlying dissatisfaction with Korean mice.

Korean consumers are being urged to fight the spreading American cancer by supporting domestic food vendors and returning to a traditional diet of dishes such as watery soups with plants, which are not classified as junk food.

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Sunday, May 12, 2013

Psy Admitted to Harvard

Korean rapper Psy was admitted to Harvard last week after being specially invited to attend the prestigious American Ivy League school. However, in a nod to the growing effectiveness of the Korean edutainment system, Psy will not be required to study under foreign professors but will instead move straight into teaching younger Harvard students the secret to achieving power and success.

Psy's course is already one of the most popular on campus, with over 1,000 students applying to attend his first lecture, forcing the university authorities to decide attendance using a system involving the casting of lots to reveal God's will. Then, in recognition of the fact that Jesus was Korean, and that Psy now has more followers than the Catholic Church, Psy was allowed to address students and faculty members in an ornate church dedicated to the memory of those who lost their lives in "World War I" fighting to secure the future of Korea's individualistic "I-generation" that would lead to Psy producing his massive hit.

During the sermon, Psy told his congregation about the promised land of South Korea, in which he said 'life is weird'.

The Vatican is believed to have lodged a protest at the use of the church, partly because they do not yet recognize Psy as a religious figure, but mostly – according to a spokesman who asked to remain anonymous – because "we wish we had his numbers". Followers of the Blues Brothers - earlier musicians also on a mission from God - denounced those attending as "heretics".

Psy is believed to have become one of the few native Koreans to enter Harvard without his family making a private donation beforehand.

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Friday, May 10, 2013

Troubling Snapshot of Average Korean Teenager

A troubling snapshot has emerged of the average Korean teenager, and not just because of her skirt length and the angle at which the photo was taken. According to the findings of a survey released yesterday by Statistics Korea and the Ministry of Gender Equality and Women Must Get Married and Have a Family, two out of three teenagers barely get any exercise, half are glued to their smartphones two hours a day, and one third believe that the best job is the one that pays them the most money, despite decades of an education and social system which has encouraged young Koreans to view working for a large Korean corporation as a privilege they should pay for.

The findings under the 'Attitudes to Work' section of the survey raise serious concerns about Korea's future competitiveness. Korea already has the least productive workers in the OECD, and the idea that they want more money is bound to set alarm bells ringing in Korean corporations, who will then be forced to extend their working hours knowing that this will reduce productivity further.

Under 'Health', the survey shows that recent crackdowns on sex crimes now means that two out of every three teenage girls barely get any exercise, with 57 percent of them saying they haven't had to run away from a man in the street or their school during the last 3 days.

Obesity levels increased steadily from 11.2 percent in 2008 to 14.7 percent this year. While the lack of sex-related exercise is likely to accelerate this, the rise over the last few years has been blamed on changing dietary patterns – with Koreans falling under the influence of dubious foreign food. In fact, the figures appear to closely match the increase in obesity levels of Americans living in Korea; statistics show that their average weight has risen from 112kg in 2008 to 147kg this year, although no figures are available for American men.

Aside from turning into fat socialists, the survey reveals that Korean teenagers spend up to two hours a day glued to their smartphones, as it can take up to an hour in the hospital to separate fingers which have become fused to phones with overheating batteries which melt their casings. Because of the strain it is placing on the health system, the government is urging phone manufacturers to move away from plastic to conductive materials which will merely burn or shock their users.

Another alarming survey discovery was that 1 in 10 teenagers contemplated suicide over the past year – a drop from 4 out of 10 last year – suggesting that three 3 of 10 have already killed themselves and may be lying undiscovered somewhere. According to official figures, the main cause of death among teens last year was Korean culture, accounting for 13 percent. The teen suicide rate has almost doubled over the last 10 years.

Tackling the Korea's teen suicide problem has proven difficult but experts say quality youth programs are urgently needed. "Have you ever seen K-Pop Star?" said 56-year-old Professor Kim at Seoul International University, "I often want to kill myself after seeing it too."

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Anger at BBC Use of 'Human Shields' in North Korea

The London School of Economics has demanded that the BBC withdraw a television program in which an investigative reporter for the broadcaster is shown traveling to North Korea with a group of LSE students acting as his cover.

The British state broadcaster's 'Panorama' reporter John Sweeney posed as one of the LSE's PhD students on a university society trip in order to film undercover in the country.

On its website, the BBC said that Sweeney witnessed "a landscape bleak beyond words, a people brainwashed for three generations and a regime happy to give the impression of marching towards Armageddon". He then left the BBC's offices and traveled to North Korea where he encountered a similar environment.

While Sweeney said the students were told a journalist was with them, the LSE said that "It is LSE's view that the students were not given enough information enable informed consent, yet were given enough to put them in serious danger in the subterfuge had been uncovered". The LSE is a prestigious British university which typically educates the kind of political and business leaders whose subterfuge put the international economy in in danger during the global financial crisis, and as such there is some doubt as to its students' ability to make informed decisions, based on the precedents set by their predecessors.

While the BBC has tried to portray Sweeney's program as a 'shocking expose', it travels a path so well-worn by hundreds of other journalists before him that Pyongyang – which is desperate for foreign currency - was recently rumored to be considering starting tours for undercover journalists under a specially created state-run company called 'Shocking Expose Tours'.

However, North Korea was ironically forced to cancel the plan after it emerged earlier this year that a number of BBC stars had allegedly abused children over several decades on its premises while staff turned a blind eye, and that as a consequence the 'shocking expose tours' brand has instead recently become synonymous with public visits to the rogue state broadcaster.

The BBC's investigative journalists meanwhile were said to have been unaware of what was sometimes happening just down the corridor from them during the period in which the abuse allegedly took place, and the scandal was eventually publicized in a program by ITV – the BBC's main rival in England, after the rigidly controlled state broadcaster failed to successfully suppress the story. The BBC – having failed to investigate its own secrets - was said to be hopeful it would have better luck exposing the North Korean regime's secrets on official tours which are organized and rigidly controlled by Pyongyang.

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Friday, April 5, 2013

'Dokdo' To Be Carved on Every Korean Schoolchild

Dokdo City - Korean population 210,000
As the threat of war on the Korean Peninsula dominates media headlines around the world, the South Korean government believes it has found a way of keeping the international community's attention on the really important issue of the Dokdo islands, which are Korean territory, by carving the Korean name 'Dokdo' into children. It is hoped that in addition to raising global awareness of Japan's outrageously aggressive territorial claims, the scars will also serve as a permanent reminder to future generations that Korea must never give up its territorial birthrights to the hated Japanese who only wish to revive their colonial past.

A statement issued by the Ministry of Education said "People around the world will see the commitment of our nation's children to its most important cause, and it will prove to them the strength of Korea's evidence of historical ownership to the islands versus the flimsy and unproven fantasy claims made by Japan, which is not prepared to carve the word 'Dokdo' on their children – a lack of commitment which clearly demonstrates the shallowness of their alleged beliefs."

Some people have questioned whether permanently scarring children is the best method of achieving this and a debate has raged in recent weeks on the merits of carving versus tattooing, but tattoos – which might otherwise have been the preferred option – are generally frowned upon for their criminal connotations, whereas many children are scarred during their early life in South Korea anyway, according to numerous research papers.

"We don't want to turn our country into a nation of criminals" said a ruling party lawmaker, who was last year convicted of handing out illegal loans to rival candidates shortly before they withdrew from his election race, although he did apologize when this was discovered.

On the subject of foreign criminals, the government also announced that multicultural children will not have 'Dokdo' carved into them – partly on the advice that this might create a legal precedent for a stake in the ownership of the islands, but mostly out of the fear that those doing the carving may get AIDS from their blood, as it is well-known that people without pure Korean blood can catch and spread AIDS very easily.

While some Korean parents may harbor unpatriotic reservations over the plan, especially if they suffer from undiagnosed or untreated left-wing thoughts, the government has been quick to point out that the Dokdo scars could eventually be mostly removed for cosmetic reasons if necessary when a child reaches adulthood. Stocks in plastic surgery companies, which had already featured heavy buying earlier in the week, soared on the news.

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Should Nurseries Stop Beating Babies?

The beating of an 18-month of infant in an Ulsan nursery has raised the question of what the minimum age should be to induct children into Korea's bullying culture.

While it has long been accepted that children will be beaten by the parents, school teachers, and later their seniors at university, superiors in the military, elder colleagues in the workplace, and increasingly, their children when elderly and infirm, there is no formal social guideline as to what age these regular beatings should begin, and whether they should be administered by parents or professional child carers who have more experience in not leaving marks and scars.

Some argue that beating babies prepares them for the rigors of Korean life at an age which makes their emergence into society less painful, but others say that early beatings result in later, more serious beatings losing their shock value.

Predictably, liberal progressives who typically form the mentally and physically weakest section of society believe that there should be no beatings at all, in the bizarre and illogical belief that dismantling the inherent nature of Korean society will somehow lead to a better country from the anarchy which follows. However, they fail to suggest what people living in the polluted industrial city of Ulsan should do with their time if they can no longer beat children.

Controversies over the minimum age of beatings have recently led to a series of ugly confrontations as professional child-carers and parents have denied responsibility for administering the beatings, requiring intervention by the authorities to decide who should take the credit.

Police are now investigating the Ulsan case using traditional methods of interrogation to question the parties involved.

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Monday, April 1, 2013

Breaking News: North Korea Offers Unconditional Peace Talks, Unification

In a statement released at 9.30pm Korea Standard Time the North Korean government through its Korean Central News Agency dramatically announced unconditional peace talks with South Korea "with the firm aim of creating a democratically unified nation under the existing structures of the South Korean state without preconditions."

The unexpected statement credited the work of the South's Sunshine Policy and Kaesong Industrial Complex in convincing it to abandon its plan to ultimately develop nuclear weapons that would threaten the declining United States, leaving the way clear to gradually coerce Seoul into unification on the North's terms through the use of increasing nuclear blackmail, tacitly backed by China. "Koreans living in the South are our brothers and we could never harm them." said the statement before adding "let this be a lesson to the world – appeasement and weakness in the face of nuclear threats can convince dictatorships to reform."

The announcement indicates that 50,000 members of the existing leadership in Pyongyang would submit to 'truth and reconciliation' hearings in Seoul, in addition to criminal and United Nations trials where appropriate. Nuclear facilities would continue to be guarded by the Korean People's Army until they could be taken over by South Korean forces, and military experts would stay at their posts to assist the South in reprogramming nuclear missiles for targets in China and Japan.

It is not known why the North has suddenly issued the announcement which represents a historic policy shift and effective surrender at a time when it appeared to be preparing for war against the South and the United States, but the National Intelligence Service said it could be the culmination of a sudden power struggle and that its sources in Pyongyang would normally be expected to provide more information on the background to the decision, if they actually had sources in Pyongyang.

Further updates will be provided as this story develops.

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Psy Drops Plans to Promote Porn Site with New Single

People around the world will not be dancing to the catchy chorus "Eh, Sexy Arab" after Psy dropped a plan to title his new single in honor of a Middle Eastern gay porn site - 'Assarabia' - and changed some of the lyrics.

A spokesman for Psy Co. Holdings said the name 'Assarabia' came from the Korean language word meaning "great joy" and the proper title should be 'assaraVia', an argument somewhat weakened by the fact that the Korean language lacks a V sound as all the Vs have long since been used up in photographs.

While the Ass Arabia site is not available in Korea due to the selfless work of Korean Christians who search extensively for porn in order to normally add it to the government's National Firewall, sites like Xvideo's Big Ass Arabia Porn Sex are still apparently visible.

In 2011, the government warned that a gay infection may be spread through their television sets, and there have been concerns that 'assarabia' may have led to an outbreak of gayness in Korea even though normally Koreans are not gay, unlike foreigners, who have AIDS. Butt the company said it simply decided to change the title as "Ass Arabia" is not easy for non-Korean speakers to pronounce.

Observers believe Psy has struggled with a follow-up to his hugely successful single "Gangnam Style" – which has been watched over 1.44 billion times around the world by people who wished they were Korean. His rise nearly came to a sticky end when it was alleged that at a 2004 anti-American protest he had called for U.S. Soldiers to be killed, although later observers suggested that he might only have been calling for the families of U.S. service personnel to be killed slowly and painfully, not the soldiers themselves.

After the anti-American scare, there were fears that the 'Assarabia' title may have had the potential to cause a backlash in the Middle East, and it is widely understood that you should never be rude to an Arab because

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Sunday, March 31, 2013

Are South Korea's Apple Communists Guilty of Treason?

Think What We Tell You To
It may surprise people to learn that some Koreans' sense of 'minjok', or pure-bloodedness, is so weak these days in the corrosive multicultural world in which we live, that they willingly buy Apple products rather than the homemade Seongsan Galaxy phones which have swept the world in the last few years.

But after the revelation that Kim Jong-un - the North Korean hipster now running the secretive regime in Pyongyang – is an avid Apple fanboy, many experts are questioning the similarity between the followers of the technology cult and those who follow the communist dynasty's leadership cult, and asking "Are South Korean Apple users communist sympathizers who are therefore guilty of treason?"

While there may initially appear to be significant differences between Apple and North Korea, there is plenty of evidence of the similarity between the two groups. Both the Democratic People's Republic of Apple and the Workers' Party of Korea were built out of the ashes of near-collapse into organizations which grew to threaten the world under autocratic leaderships known for their sudden rages and summary executions. Both created personality cults and reality distortion fields around their respective leaders, and encouraged a level of fanaticism increasingly aimed at a range of perceived enemies. Both dogmatically demand that the needs of their citizens be provided for exclusively by the regime, with private enterprise and non-approved products crushed.

And while the Workers Party is based in North Korea and Apple is based in California, both regions are known both historically and today for their communist sympathies. In fact, North Korea was an entity which grew out of the Soviet Union, whereas the Apple's founders' emerged from Berkeley – a well-known hotbed of communism and other dubious liberal ideals.

Both the North Korean and Apple regimes claim to be strong to the point of irrational invincibility, with Steve Jobs threatening to wage 'thermonuclear war' in a battle ultimately directed at Seongsan - a company which makes up 30% of the South Korean economy, and Pyongyang threatening thermonuclear war to destroy the other 70%. But experts believe that despite their bellicose rhetoric in reality both the Workers Party and Apple are unable to provide themselves with adequate security. Meanwhile military planners have shown that both North Korea and California could be easily invaded in the event of conflict, despite of the Chinese.

So with all the similarities and the Democratic People's Republic of Apple standing accused of being nothing more than a front for the International Communist Conspiracy while dressing up consumerism as communism, and Kim Jong-un now openly flouting the use of his fellow communists' computers in planning the nuclear destruction of South Korea, serious questions are being raised in legal circles as to whether Apple users in South Korea are open to arrest under the nation's firm but fair National Insecurity Law, which prohibits the possession of communist and other left-wing materials.

The Dokdo Times spoke to a leading expert on the implementation of the National Insecurity Law at a major Korean university, and while he didn't wish to go on the record for fear of prejudicing any ongoing government investigation, and because of the law's rules on free speech, he was clear that South Korean Apple users may be guilty of treason. The professor added that while he always marks the Apple-owning students in his class lower than their non-Apple owning peers, he wants to see the government take a more direct approach to the infiltrators to make them disappear.

The ultimate answer to the seemingly clear question of whether South Korean Apple users are communist sympathizers could have a significant bearing on the fortunes of Seongsan, which recently failed to set audiences alight with its flagship Galaxy S4 launch, despite careful attempts to show how it could be used to make up to 49 percent of the world's population feel superior, rather than the 10 percent globally that typically report feeling superior on using Apple devices.

Until the government acts, the fanboy Kim Jong-un and the North Korean regime will continue to plot the destruction of South Korea on their Apple computers and phones – and people will rightly ask what South Korean so-called 'liberal populists' pro-North sympathizers using these communist tools are doing as they huddle over their iPhones and iPads on this country's peaceful buses and subways, if it is not indeed exactly what it appears to be to the trained eye – a massive conspiracy aimed at overthrowing this country from within.

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Disclaimer: Please note the links above are generated automatically by our software and may not always be directly related to the news article. This article was partly contributed to by the Seongsan Social Research Institute.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Traditional Korean Slap in the Face Under Threat

The traditional method of showing affection in the workplace involving slapping a junior colleague in the face may be under threat after the principal of an elementary school in South Chungchong Province found himself in the middle of a controversy over the friendly gesture.

Problems arose when the principal hit a teacher in his 30s during a dinner organized to welcome him to the elementary school. Recalling the incident, some felt the untested teacher had done little to earn the principal's favor before even beginning his job, but it also raised concerns that the government's ban on alcohol sales in schools last year is leaving teachers sober enough to remember what happened to them at after-school gatherings.

Some colleagues defended their principal however, pointing out that while the new teacher had earned a slap in the face, he hadn't been permitted to kneel before him, a friendly privilege usually reserved for female teachers in their 20s at the school.

The KASA has long argued that 'sexual harassment' in the office - which is sometimes dubiously claimed by a handful of women - is merely a sign that they are recognized by male colleagues for the unique qualities they bring to the workplace. But recently courts have taken a harder line towards the time-honored practice as part of the womanification of Korea which led to the election of the country's first openly-female president last year.

Recently, an inter-Korean slap in the face aimed at President Park in Seoul by the North Korean leadership in Pyongyang was welcomed by liberal progressives as a sign that more food aid should be sent to the impoverished nuclear state as a friendly return gesture, but some conservative elements argued that the slap wasn't hard enough to be taken seriously, and it demonstrated a lack of commitment by the North to building a lasting friendship between the two half-nations.

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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Infocon: "North Korean" Hacking Attack Hits Banks, TV Networks

English link?
The computer networks of three television companies, two banks and one Internet service provider were paralyzed yesterday by malicious codes from unknown hackers, probably certainly in North Korea according to unnamed officials.

The attack began at around 1:35 p.m., typically a time of maximum confusion for many media workers as they try to reorient themselves after lunch. The initial wave hit KBS which reported the paralysis of its computer network first to the National Intelligence Service (NIS) at "around 2 p.m." according to the spy agency. MBC and YTN were the next to be affected, followed by networks at the perfectly safe Shinhan, Nonghyup and Jeju Banks. Shinhan Bank said it experienced "interruption" in its Internet and smartphone banking, and automated teller machines. Employees at two insurance arms of Nonghyup reported that files on their hard drives with details of your insurance claims had been erased.

Adding to the confusion, reporters at YTN said they found themselves unable to file news reports when they lost access to the news story application generator on their network, which takes news feeds from other organizations and randomly rewords and reorders the sentences. The Dokdo Times, which now runs on Dokdo Linux – a derivative of K-OS - was not affected by the attack.

Confusion centered around Internet service provider LG Uplus, which was also initially reported to be down. LG Uplus later issued a denial saying its network had not been hacked and was operating normally, but some of its customers questioned how the company would be able to spot the difference.

Reports indicated that when the computers within the TV networks and banks had crashed they could not be restarted, with monitors simply displaying an error message consisting of a black screen with a white skull and two bones in the shape of the letter 'X' beneath it, a Windows message local IT experts said they hadn't previously encountered, but which may indicate an English link to the North Korean attack. It is thought the 'X' may be a reference to Windows XP, the operating system of choice in most Korean organizations.

President Park Geun-hye received the first report about the incident at 2:50 p.m. from the 53-year-old National Security Office (NSO) head Kim, who was first apprised of the situation at 2:10 p.m. There was no immediate explanation for the 40-minute delay, although a number of officials were said to have been testing their ability to withdraw money from the affected banks before informing the president.

"Restore the paralyzed computer networks first, and then figure out the cause and set up measures," President Park was quoted as decisively saying, overruling officials and IT experts whose plan had been to leave the networks unfixed while spending the next month figuring out the cause and going out for beers with their friends. Staff at the companies involved then had to battle their prejudices in order to try to fix the disabled computer networks, which their first instinct had been to either pretend didn't exist, or offer a token amount of money to while still averting their gaze.

The Ministry of National Defense enhanced its "Infocon" level – an alert against cyber terror – by one notch to Level 3. It had already been raised recently to Level 4 after North Korean threats – normally South Korea's Infocon level is 5, although some say it should always inherently be 4 given that 5 – no threat - is deceptive.

An official added that it was still premature to conclude North Korea was responsible for the attack. "We do not rule out the possibility of North Korea being involved, but it's premature to say so" said Defense Ministry spokesman Kim prematurely. Officials privately continued to point the finger at North Korea and stress that the ultimate cause certainly wasn't a random Internet attack based on outdated, unpatched and often pirated Windows operating systems, a generally slack attitude to I.T. security and the use of Korean-made anti-virus and firewall programs such as AhnLab which consistently rate among the worst on the market in the world.

However, experts believe the attack may have initially have succeeded due to failures in firewall products to block the attack. In a 2012 review of anti-virus products the internationally respected AV Comparatives website, commenting on AhnLab's various firewall modes, wrote (PDF) "we were alarmed to discover that none blocked file sharing or Remote Desktop access on our test PC. We are concerned this could could leave a computer open to unauthorised network access, and urge AhnLab to investigate this." It is not clear whether AhnLab heeded the call, and Ahn himself was outside the country at the time following the left-of-center candidate's indecisive run for president last year which created holes in the opposition's defenses and allowed a right-wing president to be elected.

Because of the simultaneous nature of the attack, it is thought that a virus was placed remotely on computers at the various targets, probably by an organized group of North Koreans. "The hacking was not initiated at an individual level. An individual could hack into the network of one institution, but cannot conduct simultaneous attacks as happened" said Professor Kim, the head of the Center for Information Security Technology 404 Not Found at Korea International University, pointing out the well-known fact that individuals are unable to initiate simultaneous actions using computer technology.

An initial forensic investigation has revealed that a previously unknown North Korean group called "Whois" may be responsible for the coordinated attack, as the message "Hack by Whois Team" appeared on some screens. However, attempts to track down "Whois" have been thwarted as the group appears to have cleverly concealed its tracks on the Internet - typing "Whois" into Google simply prompts the searcher to search for something else. Because of the apparent collusion, some politicians are already calling for Google – which has consistently clashed with local authorities for not being Naver - to be thoroughly investigated for aiding the North Korean hackers. Last year Google's executive chairman even visited the home of the cyber terrorists.

According to experts, North Korea's electronic warfare capabilities are second only to Russia and the United States, and are far above the capability of South Korea, which has proven the ability to initiate cyber-attacks but has not perfected a means of launching them outside the country. But as North Korea continues to pose an increasingly serious security threat with its advanced electronic warfare skills, South Korea has been striving to bolster its cyber combat capabilities by upgrading military computers from Windows XP to Windows 7.

The National Intelligence Service will now start a more thorough investigation, but it will be hampered by its inability to access the computers at the organizations which were attacked. "We may have to ask the North Koreans for help with that" said a spokesman for the intelligence agency in an off-the-record briefing.

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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Demand for Hitmen in Korea Expected to Peak by 2030

A survey conducted by Mirage Asset Management last week has revealed how Korean couples' preferences diverge about life after their retirement.

As part of the survey, Mirage asked 400 couples in their 30s and 40s living in the Seoul metropolitan area about their ideal retirement home, leisure activities and the amount of time they wanted to spend together. The results from the couples – whose opinions had naturally begun to rapidly diverge a few hours after their marriages – showed that if anything their lack of communication and agreement were only likely to worsen over the next 25 years.

Husbands said they would prefer to spend their retirement quietly in countryside homes, while wives said they wanted to stay in the city in order to quietly spend their husbands' retirement incomes. Men typically valued leisure in remote places with cleaner air and commerce-free outdoor activities, while women placed the most importance on proximity to shopping centers and cultural facilities with air that smells of expensive leather, and social venues where they could show off to their friends.

But men said they wanted to spend more time in the countryside with their spouses and their spouses' handbags, with 56 percent putting their ideal time together at 6 to 10 hours per day. Women were less enthusiastic however, with 72 percent saying they wanted to limit the time they spent with their husband every day to fewer than 5 hours, although 92 percent of those said they would be happy to spend more time with their husband's wallets if these stayed in the city while their owners lived in the countryside.

A similar survey last year by Seongsan Life Insurance – which controversially went on to offer "unique solutions" to husbands or wives facing retirement and a redecorating service afterwards - revealed that men and women in their 40s and 50s typically spend less than 30 minutes a day talking to each other, but over 60 minutes shouting. In the bad relationships, there was hardly any communication at all, with some men successfully using work as an excuse to avoid talking to their wife for decades.

Lobbying by male politicians has seen the government promise to ultimately raise the retirement age from 65 to at least 70, and 75 for men with the worst wives. But Mirage Asset said that men could prepare for their retirement by leaving their wives in peace, cautioning men that "the more you restrain your wife, the worse your relationship will get."

Mirage projects that the results will mean a 6 percent average increase in spousal murder plots reaching a peak in 2030 as the last of the baby boom generation face retirement. They also announced a 20 percent rise in life insurance premiums.

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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

'Womanification' of Korea Continues as Admiral Yi Portrayed as a Fragile Whore

No upskirt!
Just weeks after the election of the country's first openly female president South Korea's men are seeing their worst fears realized as the so-called 'womanification' of the previously male-centered nation continues abreast. And it seems there are no sacred cows in this insidious campaign of gender realignment surgery after the airing of a KBS drama called "You're the best, Lee Sun-shin", featuring a woman with the same Korean name as heroic Admiral Yi Sun-shin and who also dresses in skirts in a clear reference to the privately preferred attire of Korea's most famous war hero.

The drama immediately attracted a drama of its own after Korean overseas student organization DN (Dongseong Nageune) – which claims up to 30 members - filed an injunction with the Seoul Central District Prosecutors' office against KBS for 'allegedly undercutting the public image of Admiral Yi Sun-shin (pbuh)'. According to the student organization, the drama's title could undermine Korean citizens' constitutional rights.

"Admiral Yi Sun-shin's image of victory is and courage is misleading as the female actress playing the role of Lee Sun-shin is portrayed to be clumsy and fragile," said a member of DN, although experts believe that since most Korean women are clumsy and fragile it may not be acting.

Admiral Yi (pbuh) has long been viewed as a sacrosanct figure in Korea. But in the dog-eat-dog world of Korean politics after fighting off marauders on Korea's border in several battles and eventually capturing their leader, Yi was imprisoned, threatened with execution and brutally tortured by the government for being 'different' – a crime still punishable by social death in Korea even today.

But ultimately Yi was such a good soldier that after being tortured he was released and allowed to join the military again at the lowest rank. He then received a series of promotions before fighting off an evil Japanese navy at the Battle of Myeongnyang despite being unbelievably outnumbered by 333 ships to 13 – and while wearing a hanbok and sailing turtle ships, which are fast but steer like a SsangYong Musso. The victory allowed Korean land forces to push back the Japanese to their coastal colonies on the southern part of the Korean Peninsula, which is Korean territory, saving Korea from falling totally under Japanese control for a few more years.

Sadly, with the Japanese facing certain defeat as that nation of losers always do, Yi died the following year at the Battle of Noryang when he was mortally wounded by a single bullet. His famous dying words were "Kiss me, Hardy", providing an enduring mystery for scholars who have tried to decipher their meaning over the centuries which followed. After his death, the royal court eventually bestowed various honors upon him, including a posthumous title of 'Chungmuhong', which means 'person we brutally tortured, but we are now sort-of sorry about it and let's try and not dwell on this in the history textbooks'.

The deification of Admiral Yi was cemented over the centuries as the relentlessly restless and aggressive Japanese samurai and ninjas launched wave after wave of attacks against peace-loving Korea, as he presented a strong and unifying figure who proved that despite their apparent strength, the Japanese were ultimately a people who could sometimes be defeated just by showing up. In turn, this has led to the phenomenon of Yi-worship, and the founding of several Internet self-help forums for young men who have become so enamored of the Admiral that they find themselves unable to have sexual relations with women. Even VANK - a group so dedicated to destroying South Korea's image abroad that many members adopt a celibate life - admit that Admiral Yi "has been loved by men... …of all ages for many years in Korea."

Last year, a bitter dispute arose among the Admiral Yi Society after it filed a legal injunction to prevent the sale of an Admiral Yi sex doll a despite many members saying they wanted to buy one. It is believed that DN may be a splinter group of the society.

Some Korean men argue that their weakening solidarity – which has already allowed a woman to go unmarried and therefore have no husband to make her do the cooking and stop her running for president – is leading to a world where history is slowly being rewritten, and that KBS and other media organizations – having awoken to the increasing spending power of women - is creating a framework in which historical figures are being reinvented as females. Some say it is only a matter of time before Dangun himself – the legendary founder of the Korean Empire – is claimed to have been a woman by the Korea's feminist revisionists and their 'womanification' movement.

If the legal case over Admiral Yi is successful, it is likely to lead to further actions; at a time when South Korea stands on the verge of war many Korean male students living outside Korea say they want to fight to protect the memory of a true Korean hero, who stayed in the fatherland to fight the enemy - even if this is partly because he didn't have the chance to study overseas in a safe place.

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Kiss me Hardy

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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

New Ministers Divided on Who Beats President

The election of Park Geun-hye – Korea's first openly-female president – appears to already be running into trouble only two weeks after she took office, with male ministers said to be deeply divided on which one of them should be responsible for beating her when she makes a mistake.

Logically some may believe the task would fall to the prospective Defense Minister, but privately many say that despite his claims to the contrary he actually has no offensive capability. Given that beating women has also been historically regarded as a recreational pastime and was recently provisionally designated Important Intangible Cultural Property No. 120, some have suggested that the Sports or Culture Ministers take the responsibility, while others believe the Construction Minister is likely to have the right kind of blunt instruments to hand. The opinion of the new Minister of Future Planning and Strategy was then sought, but it transpired he was not present as he had forgotten to put the meeting in his diary.

The divisions among Park's ministers meant that despite coming into office on February 25 she was unable to hold a cabinet meeting until yesterday, when the threat of war by North Korea led ministers to agree to put aside their differences for the good of the country, even if it was being led by a woman. The meeting, when it eventually got underway, was attended by the president, Prime Minister Chung Hong-won, 13 new ministers and two vice ministers originally appointed by Lee Myung-bak whose role is to officially take the blame for any scandals or corruption which occurs during the new government's first days in office.

The president started the cabinet meeting by saying she believed in the stability of state affairs, and with several of her ministers yet to be formally appointed - rendering the government non-functional in most areas - political commentators have agreed that the transition from the Lee Myung-bak administration has been almost seamless. But commentators noted that despite the president's assurances that it was business as usual, the meeting somehow looked "notably weird", although experts said this was simply because a woman was trying to run it.

In a further blow to Park's credibility however, another potential problem with having a female president quickly became apparent after her male ministers were asked about the content of the remainder of the meeting, and none were able to recall exactly what she'd talked about, although several added that "she certainly complains a lot".

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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Busan Foreigner Flash Mob Plan Creates Fears, Panic

Aliens are coming for you
Authorities have expressed concerns about a plan by Busan English FM – a local counterfeit of Seoul's TBS eFM in Korea's second-class city – to create four flash mobs tomorrow featuring non-Korean looking foreigners.

Investigative journalists from The Dokdo Times have discovered the flash mobs will be targeted at strategically important sites around Busan – the Sasang Bus Terminal, the Shinsegae Department Store which generates 90% of the city's income, Busan Train Station, and in front of Pusan National University, which still claims in English to be one of ten flagship national universities in Korea despite being forced to drop the word national from its Korean title because it wasn't based in Seoul and therefore can at best really only be described as 'provincial'.

It isn't clear why the radio station – which like TBS eFM is said to be tightly controlled by Koreans who secretly harbor a deep distrust of foreigners - is organizing an event which seems guaranteed to create fear among the peace loving citizens of Busan, but some believe it is a cynical attempt to drive people to listen to the English language broadcaster to find out if an American invasion is underway.

Military sources have been keen to stress however that while the U.S. Army has invaded Busan before, there is no immediate threat of them launching a second attack while the six-party talks are still notionally ongoing. And while it has often been suspected that foreigners in Korea are little more than advanced scouts probing for weaknesses in Korea's cultural defenses, Busan actually plays reluctant host to very few foreigners during the winter, with most of them only flooding in during the summer to stare at nearly naked Korean girls on Haeundae Beach and commit other sex crimes.

The general lack of resident aliens in Busan may be the reason why Busan e-FM is only asking for four foreigners per flash-mob, a number which police in Busan still regard as "dangerously high", like many of the foreigners who come to Korea to take drugs and spread AIDS. It has also been suggested that the radio station is attempting to set the record for the world's smallest flash mob, although this is currently held by a tiny group of Japanese citizens who once attempted to protest Korea's rightful ownership of the Dokdo Islands.

Two years ago evidence emerged of a massive conspiracy among foreigners in Korea, but a lack of spies with good English skills has hampered efforts by the National Intelligence Service to discover its purpose. However, it is known the foreigners frequently refer to themselves as ex-patriots, indicating that despite coming here willingly and uninvited, they may no longer be loyal to Korea.

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