Thursday, March 31, 2016

New Korean Government Symbol is Whale Chasing Its Own Tail

The government has unveiled a new unified symbol which it is hoped will establish a permanent brand image in the minds of its subjects, while reducing the cost of keeping cartoonists on regular retainers to change the logos of 51 government agencies every two years.

The new logo depicts a blue whale in an ever-decreasing circle trying to chase its tail, which appears to be bleeding from the effort. There is general consensus among everyone connected with the government that the image of the struggling 170 tonne animal it is deeply symbolic of their daily experiences. The Japanese also hunted the blue whale to near extinction in the early part of the last century, just like the Korean people, making it an appropriate symbol to unify the country.

Reacting to the new logo, people on the streets of Seoul who we would have interviewed today if the air quality was better appeared to agree, "It looks like a whale swimming in a circle", said a 24-year-old bank worker named Kim.

The Defense Ministry and National Police Agency have opted out of the blue whale logo, and will retain their old symbols, as it is felt that if they are associated with confusion and inaction any further it may only embolden South Korea's enemies.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Korea Under Threat - President Flees With 100 Business Executives

As the clock ticks towards the deadline set in Pyongyang's ultimatum and its promise to reduce The Blue House to ashes in a sea of fire unless President Park Geun-hye apologizes for betraying the Korean people, the president has announced a trip to Washington and Mexico City, which is scheduled for eight days or 24,110 years, depending on how the situation with North Korea and Seoul develops.

Officially The Blue House says the president is leaving Seoul to attend a nuclear security summit in Washington, and then later post-summit security discussions which have to be held in Mexico City due to the lack of available conference rooms to book in Washington. Experts agree that the best way to ensure your security during a nuclear event is to be as far away from it as possible, and have applauded the president's educational efforts.

100 lucky business executives - the largest ever delegation - will also leave the threatened capital with the president, in an apparent effort to forge new opportunities to store their wealth somewhere where it will not be vaporized. In 2010, only a dozen business executives traveled with then-President Lee Myung-bak, but Seoul was thought less likely to be subjected to a nuclear attack at the time.

The South Korean military has say it is ready to deal with the expected attack by North Korea during the president's absence. As tensions heightened, Park has called for military readiness and extended stays overseas for important people.

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Monday, March 28, 2016

Ugly Foreigners

A video from a car's black box camera that went viral in Korea over the weekend showed an ugly Italian man stopping his car in the middle of the road, shaking his fist at the Korean female driver, and swearing like an Italian.

The man - whose family name is believed to be Vaffanculo - was outraged when the female driver honked at him as he cut into a line of traffic on the Olympic Expressway near the Seongsu Bridge around 3 p.m. Sunday. When police arrived they booked him for a sudden change of lanes, which despite what everyone believes, is actually against the law in Korea, even in Busan. The man is a currently a resident of Korea and prosecutors are recommending an indictment to ensure he won't remain one.

The Italian Consulate said that it notes the incident but requested that Koreans "please understand our unique culture".

In another case last week, an ugly Saudi Arabian - who is here for 'language training' - was suspected of repeatedly braking in front of another vehicle that he claims didn't yield the right of way. In a third case on another day, an ugly Taiwanese national started braking when the car behind him flashed its lights and honked at him while its driver was reading his phone messages. In a fourth case, an ugly American pulled his tank out in front of a Korean driver at a junction, claiming he needed to get to the front line as soon as possible. In a fifth case, an ugly English man called Mr. Hyde blocked a Korean rickshaw with his horse.

In each case these ugly foreigners claimed they didn't know what they were doing was a crime, even though the law has changed recently and it is now. Instead they claimed that everyone else on the roads was behaving in the same way. This is evidently not true because some other ugly foreigners are not doing this, especially the ones without cars.

Gangnam police said that "many" reported 'road rages' involved ugly foreigners, and while it is true that these five cases do not necessarily represent the ugly foreign community which has now alarmingly reached 1.8 million in Korea, it may. There is also evidence that innocent Korean drivers are being affected by these ugly foreigners - in 2013 1,600 cases of retaliatory driving were reported to the police, involving car chases, klaxons, beam lighting and verbal and visual abuse. 35 Koreans were killed during these incidents.

Police should personally speak to all ugly foreigners to remind them that the actions of the five ugly foreigners above will be presumed to represent them.

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Sunday, March 27, 2016

Google's Devious Plan to Humiliate Korea

Google approached Go champion and hero of the Korean people Lee Se-dol late last year to play a match, but tricked him with an offer of $1 million dollars in prize money. Even more deviously, the giant technology company did not tell him who exactly his opponent would be, apparently betting that Lee would not ask due to Koreans' well-known polite manners.

In a further sign of their ill intentions, Google rented the hotel venue through an event agency and did not mention that it would be used to subject the Korean people to the kind of humiliating and traumatic experience not seen since the Japanese invasion in 1910 and the sexual slavery of Korean women which followed.

Google's new motto is "Do the right thing", but apparently this doesn't apply to Koreans. Instead, Google skulked around Korea secretly planning this country's humiliation. This is a clear example of racism. The Google DeepMind CEO secretly gave a lecture at KAIST - the Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology - advocating artificial intelligence, and Google co-founder Sergey Brin paid a surprise visit to Korea after the fourth match, turning up on Korea's doorstep unexpectedly like an embarrassing relative at Chuseok, once he knew Korea had been beaten like a comfort woman. Google's aim was clearly to maintain the element of surprise, just like the Japanese in 1941 at Pearl Harbor.

After their sneak attack on Korea without formally declaring war, Google's corporate value rose more than 58 trillion won, and the international media published thousands of articles on Korea's historic humiliation by Google's machmen.

Google allegedly began to develop it's AlphaGo artificial intelligence system to bolster the ability of search engines to forecast the intentions of Internet users. But now it has become clear that the true intent was always to launch a vicious and unprovoked kill by numbers attack on the Korean people. Indeed, it is now obvious that Google was never founded to be a search engine company as it has claimed, but rather that behind this cover story the primary purpose of the organization was always the destruction of Korea. That Google hides its true intentions behind an elaborate global advertising and mobile software business demonstrates the size of the international conspiracy against the Korean people.

During the match, Google made Lee jump through hoops, which really affected his concentration and made it difficult to play. Meanwhile, as Lee jumped through these hoops, Google went to its foreign bank, laughing at Korea all the way there before it deposited its money.

It is said that Lee merely netted 187 million won, but its trickery against the Korean people generated trillions of won for Google. This represents a sinister new economic development in the relationship between companies and people, and may set a precedent for other people to be paid money by organizations while the organization paying them benefits more.

Google ultimately treated Lee as something of a pawn in its artificial intelligence experiment, which was typical of the company's cultural insensitivity when the game was Korean Go, not American chess.

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Saturday, March 26, 2016

North Korea in Plea to Tea Party

A North Korean web site unveiled video footage on Saturday in which one of its submarine-launched ballistic missiles destroys Washington D.C., in an apparent attempt to court Tea Party support during the U.S. election season.

Tea Party members have been calling for the destruction of Washington for some time, but unlike North Korea had failed to develop a nuclear program, instead believing that talking for very long periods of time during meetings was the most effective method of destroying the U.S. Government.

Pyongyang's strategy may be misplaced, as the Tea Party looks set to be defeated by the Tall Boy party, led by the aging South Korean property developer and turn tables expert, DJ Trump.

South Korean experts have reassured citizens that if Washington is destroyed in a nuclear attack the fallout will pose no risk to Seoul.

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Monday, March 21, 2016

Spartan 3000: Embarrassment as New South Korean Unit Gives Away Vital Military Secret

There was embarrassment in government circles today as the news of the formation of a new military unit appeared to give away vital details of South Korea's military strategy against North Korea in the event of an attack.

Early this morning it was announced that the South Korean Marine Corps had formed a new mobile unit assigned to counterattack North Korea in the event of Pyongyang initiating hostilities against the South. However, it was announced that military leaders had named the unit "Spartan 3000", as it consisted of 3,000 troops, thus revealing to the North Korean military how many South Korean soldiers to expect in any counterattack against Northern targets.

"We usually didn't tell the enemy the size of our planned attacks", said 67-year-old former General Kim, who later asked us to to quote him anonymously after this article had gone to press.

The military also announced that the troops will be based in the southeastern coastal city of Pohang, it will take them up to a day to counterattack, and their mission will be to destroy important North Korean military facilities.

"In the past, it would have taken 48 hours to counterattack" said a military official, "but now we've reduced this to 24 hours". A spokesman for the North Korean military thanked his Southern counterpart, saying they would update their defense plans with this new information.

In a press conference later this morning, the South Korean military spokesman said that the naming of the unit after a famous male "ultra sexual enhancement product which will not cause any headache!" was entirely coincidental, and nobody in the South Korean senior military ranks had ever heard of Spartan 3000 before independently coming up with the name.

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Saturday, March 19, 2016

South Korea's Sexual Harassment Culture Causing Evolutionary Changes

Critics who warned that the ending of Korea's curfew laws in the early 1980s would lead to increased hours of sexual harassment against women have seen their worst predictions proven correct, with the release of a new report showing evolutionary changes taking place in the Korean population.

According to the survey of 6,413 people, which was conducted last year by CATS, the Corean Agency for Technology and Standards, Korean women have developed longer legs over recent generations in order to outrun their harassers. As their legs have lengthened, Korean mens' ability to catch them has been reduced, leading to fewer chases. Due to this, Korean men in their 30s are becoming obese due to lack of exercise.

Mens' BMI figures have been on a steady rise since 1979, when General President Park Chung-hee was assassinated and South Korea became more liberal and decadent - leading to the unilateral ending of the curfew laws in 1982 by one of the weaker leaders that followed the General President.

Government leaders are worried that with South Korean women becoming more aggressive and sexually liberal, it is only a matter of time before the tables are turned and gangs of women begin harassing inappropriately-dressed men on the streets late at night, who will be defenseless due to their obesity and the rapid sprinting ability of increasingly long-legged Korean women.

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