Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Lonely Koreans Hire Dates

The practice of hiring dates is gaining popularity among Koreans as people find personal interactions increasingly difficult during their busy lives.

Spring can be a bittersweet season for some Korean singles who see couples and their phones chirping under cherry blossoms. Many Koreans - especially that single friend of yours - believe that being alone is something to be ashamed of, when they aren't necessarily alone because of their personality, although in your friend's case, it probably is.

For Park, the president of a large organization in Seoul, spring is just another reminder of her loneliness. She posted a message on the Korean social networking site Facebok, saying she would like to hire a "fake boyfriend" for one day so she could go out and look at the flowers with someone.

The required activities would include not taking any photos and having dinner privately together. Another condition, she added, was to hold hands. Around 20 men and women responded to Park's message, and she picked one of them to spend the day with her. Sadly, she had to cut short the date and rush back to her office due to a crisis.

In another case, a female college student, Kim 25, said she would pay the minimum wage of 6,030 won per hour for someone to act as her boyfriend for a day, as she is too busy to have a boyfriend due to her studies and minimum wage job in a well-known bakery chain with an active legal department. Other offers similar to Kim's can easily be found on social networks, though it can be difficult to be chosen.

Experts say this new phenomena is becoming common among the young as they are increasingly unaccustomed to making new friends, and getting into romantic relationships and making new enemies.

Professor Noh (57), of Korea International University, said "children these days depend too much on their parents", and they should not try to call him again. He also added that "there is a widespread belief that one has to have money in order to be in a relationship, which is not untrue."

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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Ancient Korean food comes to life in Japan after 13 centuries

Everybody knows about the stuff
The importance of following proper storage procedures for Korean food was highlighted today after an ancient Korean dish from 13 centuries ago suddenly came back to life and tried to eat nearby diners.

After the ancient Korean food came back to life, the Japanese hosts sighed and said "oh no, not again!". There has been speculation that if we knew why the Japanese had thought 'oh no, not again!" as the ancient Korean food lunged towards them, we would know a good deal more about the dubious nature of the Japanese than we do now. What is known, is that Japanese often sigh between Korean dishes.

It is believed the ancient delicacies were originally presented to Japan in the hope of forging a lasting harmony between the two neighboring countries. The Japanese failure to eat the dish is therefore the cause of 1,300 years of trouble caused by the Japanese against Korea. The existence of the ancient Korean food proves that Japan's rude and uncivilized behavior dates back further than previously thought.

The ancient Korean food which escaped today was originally taken to Japan - which was then called East Korea - as part of the migration of Yakwang, the prince of Goguryeo Dynasty (37 B.C. to 668 A.D.) and his followers.

The descendants of Yakwang, who now call themselves Japanese, have been told that while they should not approach the any ancient Korean food which comes back to life - especially after 13 centuries - it should be relatively harmless as it is only likely to attack non-Koreans.

The ancient Korean food, which is being called "The Stuff", was last seen heading towards Tokyo. Scientists believe it is a living, parasitic, and possibly sentient organism that gradually takes over the brain, mutating those who eat it into bizarre zombie-like creatures, before consuming them from the inside and leaving them empty shells of their former selves, a medical condition Korean doctors refer to as "Hagwon".

Japanese Self-Defense Forces are expected to attempt to engage the Korean food within the next few hours in order to prevent it reaching open water and turning it into a guk.

Related Links
Ancient Korean food comes to life in Japan after 13 centuries
The Stuff

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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Whining foreigners, racism and in-between

Fools die
Some things should be best left unsaid, but as journalists we usually go the other way. Our recent aditorial "Ugly Foreigners" two weeks ago opened up a can of worms which can be easily fought with Kim's Anti-Foreign Worm Cream (Please see disclaimers - may cause drowsiness, excessive localized hair growth, and piercing screaming episodes).

For some reason the issue of racism spilt over inadvertently after our "Ugly foreigners" editorial. Why do foreign troublemakers want to cause trouble in Korea by whining and crying racism every time someone says foreigners are ugly and rapists? Perhaps because they are racist.

Our aditorial concerned angry foreign road rage drivers. Some ugly foreigners seem to think that when foreign non-citizens do something wrong we print it, whereas if a Korean citizen did the same thing it would not be printed. It is of course, completely untrue that we don't racially bias our stories. An "ugly foreigner" story is good for circulation, whereas an "ugly Korean" story is not. Without good circulation we might die, and we are sure ugly foreigners do not want us to die, otherwise what kind of guest would you be? Maybe the kind of guest who should leave Korea immediately.

Many foreign troublemakers sent us their whining responses. We tried to accommodate these responses here as much as possible within our space constraints (if any edition of the Dokdo Times becomes too full it can make mobile devices too heavy to pick up when our newspaper is loaded on them). Some of the whiny responses we received have been edited, especially where this makes them look silly. A pure-blooded Korean patriot also wrote to us supporting our position against ugly foreigners, and we are printing his letter too.

We are continuing our coverage of this issue to encourage members of our society - and foreigners - to speak about it, rather than pigeonholing their doubts, misunderstandings, suspicions, paranoia, sexual deviancy, fnord and criminal tendencies in their emotional compartment to the point they become dangerous separatists.

Historically, there have been many cases of foreign racism gone wild in Korea and we need to learn from this. Perhaps these foreigners are responsible for what is happening in the Middle East. Historically, most racially-motivated wars and massacres in the world have been caused by foreigners, not by Koreans. This is fact.

We do not believe our society is a perfect utopia, although obviously we mention this word because we actually think it is quite close. We hope that by engaging in honest and civilized dialog now, perhaps we can keep your difference from us turning into racial hatred and you can walk away before things get as ugly as an ugly foreigner. Seriously, walk away, now.

Whatever these ugly foreigners say, we note that there are many times more people in the so-called silent majority on this issue, and everyone knows that the majority in Korea is Koreans, not foreigners, and as Koreans they agree with me and what I write. We invite the silent majority to write to foreignersdie@dokdotimes.con to support me.

Readers' letter: Foreign troublemakers
Dear Sir,

Koreans are way too lenient to foreigners. The foreigners' mentality is that they can get away with anything because the law is too lenient and they abuse drugs in South Korea. I once watched news about a fight in Itaewon where a policeman was trying to stop them but failed. Maybe these foreigners are controlling and weakening our police as part of an international Jewish conspiracy.

What makes these foreigners think that Koreans are being racist when they are the ones who break the law in this country, not Koreans, who never break Korean laws. Foreigners are destroying this country and plan to take over the world. Korea must stop the foreign Jew trying to take over the world.

As a university student, what shocked me the most was that most foreign professors can't speak Korean, the world's most scientific and easy to learn language, when they've been here for more than four years, which is only how long it took me to learn Korean, despite being a baby. Why don't they think about how rewarding it would be to learn to speak Korean so they can talk properly to people like me? By refusing to learn Korean they are denying themselves the opportunity to know me when there is clearly much they can learn from me and other pure-blooded Koreans like me. I interrogated my professors why they don't learn Korean, and called campus security, but the security people wouldn't arrest them, probably because they are communists. The foreign communist infiltrator influence is everywhere.

I once went to a convenience store where an owner told me that she was worried about a foreign professor who drinks a lot. Why are these foreign professors drinking a lot in Korea? Why do so many of them seem to drink a lot after classes with me? Why are Korean doctors working in convenience stores when foreign Jew professors are teaching in universities?

I've been abroad and foreigners aren't nice.

L.A. Kim

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Whining, racism and in-between
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Friday, April 8, 2016

Celebration to Mark 70 Years of Democracy in Korea Planned

Flower power
Korea is approaching 70 years of democracy, and the government is beginning to plan celebrations for this momentus event in 2018.

The upcoming elections on April 13 mark the 20th National Assembly elections since the first elections were held back on May 10, 1948, which were supported by an overwhelming majority of South Koreans who survived the mass killings of those who didn't support the elections.

Controversy over the elections in 1948 was caused by citizens mistakenly believing that the unilateral election process, which only took place in the U.S. controlled part of Korea, would lead to war, when in fact there wasn't a war for another two years, proving these citizens completely wrong.

The always troublesome and not-really pure-blooded Jeju islanders particularly saw the election as a unilateral attempt by the United States military government to separate the southern regime and to employ its first president, Syngman Rhee, but police fired on and killed the Jeju demonstrators, therefore helping them participate in the election process rather than leaving them feeling excluded.

The killing of the demonstrators led to larger demos on Jeju, and approximately 10% of the island's population - around 30,000 people - who didn't want to participate in the election were granted their wishes, permanently.

The killing of demonstrators is now considered a traditional aspect of Korean society, and has recently been awarded the status of Intangible Cultural Property No. 120, with the annual Jeju Island Torture and Execution Festival a popular attraction for domestic tourists, although foreigners are generally discouraged from attending, and photographs are not allowed.

Since 1948 protests and demos have been a constant feature of Korean society, and 'Korean demo-cracy' and its near 70-year history has become well-known around the world. Some citizens are hoping that the anniversary celebrations in 2018 will include a hugely popular aspect of Korea's unique democratic history, the elected military government.

A spokesman for the Election Commission, which tries to encourage demonstrations around the time of elections by prohibiting political discussion by citizens, said "We hope you are enjoying the spring weather and beautiful flowers".

Related Links
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South Korean Constitutional Assembly election, 1948
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Middle East Uprisings Alarm Korean Leadership

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Correction: An earlier version of this article wrongly named Syngman Rhee as Strongman Rhee due to an autocorrect error. We apologize for any confusion caused by our reference to the former syngman.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Koreans Move to Northern Europe to Escape Koreans

A growing number of young Koreans are moving to Northern Europe to escape a growing number of Koreans in other regions of the world.

In the past Koreans emigrated to the Australia, New Zealand or Western Europe, and even to enemy countries such as Japan, China and the U.S. to avoid other Koreans, but now there are so many Koreans in these countries they are becoming unattractive destinations to Koreans. Many Koreans also feel that the so-called ANZWEJCUS countries are becoming increasingly xenophobic.

The attraction of Northern European countries such as Denmark and those other countries above it is that there are few Koreans there, so Koreans can emigrate and not have to face the stifling xenophobia of other Koreans. According to the Foreign Ministry, the number of Koreans living in Northern European countries has doubled from 2,123 in 2007 to 4,113 in 2013, but the numbers could be higher with many Koreans not revealing their final locations after emigrating, in order to avoid the region they settle in becoming a target for Seoul's Korean Wave initiatives.

However, not much is known about Northern European countries in Korea, with a significant number of people not making it beyond local airports in their attempts to catch flights to Scandinavia. Koreans already living in Northern Europe have warned other Koreans to stay away as it could be hell.

Many Koreans leaving for Northern Europe also cite their social values and growing disillusionment with with intense competition in Korean society for limited opportunities. The government says it is considering offering help to people considering emigrating to Northern Europe, by working with Northern European governments to create a lottery that awards places in Northern Europe to winning Korean citizens.

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Saturday, April 2, 2016

Dokdo Land Prices Rise by 494 Percent Since 2011

Chinese passenger ferry
With Dokdo's population rapidly approaching 319,557, land prices in Dokdo City and surrounding areas are soaring.

One Dokdo plot of land which was priced at W165,000 per square meter in 2011 has risen to W980,000 this year - a rise of 494 percent. Despite the rise and the plot's proximity to Dokdo International Airport, developers are still hoping to purchase it, although the owner - whose family name is Kimura - says he still does not wish to sell.

There were fears during the last two years that land prices on Dokdo were part of a speculative bubble fueled by offshore resource exploration, which would collapse alongside the collapsing oil price. But while the price of Dokdo Oil & Gas (DOG.DO ▾ 7.6%) has halved on the Dokdo Stock Exchange since August 2014, a massive rise in the number of Chinese tourists has helped keep the local economy booming.

Chinese people are also contributing more directly to spiraling land prices, with a number of Chinese citizens purchasing significant parts of the less-developed island of West Dokdo, which lies closer to China. Land prices on West Dokdo may receive a significant boost later this year if Seoul agrees to the request by the People's Liberation Army Navy (PLAN) to start a direct passenger ferry service from Qingdao.

Meanwhile East Dokdo is benefiting from significant defense spending as the island lies closer to Japan and an attack by the rogue pacifist nation has been feared to be imminent for the last several years. Speculative interest in Dokdo plots is expected to continue.

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Thursday, March 31, 2016

New Korean Government Symbol is Whale Chasing Its Own Tail

The government has unveiled a new unified symbol which it is hoped will establish a permanent brand image in the minds of its subjects, while reducing the cost of keeping cartoonists on regular retainers to change the logos of 51 government agencies every two years.

The new logo depicts a blue whale in an ever-decreasing circle trying to chase its tail, which appears to be bleeding from the effort. There is general consensus among everyone connected with the government that the image of the struggling 170 tonne animal it is deeply symbolic of their daily experiences. The Japanese also hunted the blue whale to near extinction in the early part of the last century, just like the Korean people, making it an appropriate symbol to unify the country.

Reacting to the new logo, people on the streets of Seoul who we would have interviewed today if the air quality was better appeared to agree, "It looks like a whale swimming in a circle", said a 24-year-old bank worker named Kim.

The Defense Ministry and National Police Agency have opted out of the blue whale logo, and will retain their old symbols, as it is felt that if they are associated with confusion and inaction any further it may only embolden South Korea's enemies.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Korea Under Threat - President Flees With 100 Business Executives

As the clock ticks towards the deadline set in Pyongyang's ultimatum and its promise to reduce The Blue House to ashes in a sea of fire unless President Park Geun-hye apologizes for betraying the Korean people, the president has announced a trip to Washington and Mexico City, which is scheduled for eight days or 24,110 years, depending on how the situation with North Korea and Seoul develops.

Officially The Blue House says the president is leaving Seoul to attend a nuclear security summit in Washington, and then later post-summit security discussions which have to be held in Mexico City due to the lack of available conference rooms to book in Washington. Experts agree that the best way to ensure your security during a nuclear event is to be as far away from it as possible, and have applauded the president's educational efforts.

100 lucky business executives - the largest ever delegation - will also leave the threatened capital with the president, in an apparent effort to forge new opportunities to store their wealth somewhere where it will not be vaporized. In 2010, only a dozen business executives traveled with then-President Lee Myung-bak, but Seoul was thought less likely to be subjected to a nuclear attack at the time.

The South Korean military has say it is ready to deal with the expected attack by North Korea during the president's absence. As tensions heightened, Park has called for military readiness and extended stays overseas for important people.

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Monday, March 28, 2016

Ugly Foreigners

A video from a car's black box camera that went viral in Korea over the weekend showed an ugly Italian man stopping his car in the middle of the road, shaking his fist at the Korean female driver, and swearing like an Italian.

The man - whose family name is believed to be Vaffanculo - was outraged when the female driver honked at him as he cut into a line of traffic on the Olympic Expressway near the Seongsu Bridge around 3 p.m. Sunday. When police arrived they booked him for a sudden change of lanes, which despite what everyone believes, is actually against the law in Korea, even in Busan. The man is a currently a resident of Korea and prosecutors are recommending an indictment to ensure he won't remain one.

The Italian Consulate said that it notes the incident but requested that Koreans "please understand our unique culture".

In another case last week, an ugly Saudi Arabian - who is here for 'language training' - was suspected of repeatedly braking in front of another vehicle that he claims didn't yield the right of way. In a third case on another day, an ugly Taiwanese national started braking when the car behind him flashed its lights and honked at him while its driver was reading his phone messages. In a fourth case, an ugly American pulled his tank out in front of a Korean driver at a junction, claiming he needed to get to the front line as soon as possible. In a fifth case, an ugly English man called Mr. Hyde blocked a Korean rickshaw with his horse.

In each case these ugly foreigners claimed they didn't know what they were doing was a crime, even though the law has changed recently and it is now. Instead they claimed that everyone else on the roads was behaving in the same way. This is evidently not true because some other ugly foreigners are not doing this, especially the ones without cars.

Gangnam police said that "many" reported 'road rages' involved ugly foreigners, and while it is true that these five cases do not necessarily represent the ugly foreign community which has now alarmingly reached 1.8 million in Korea, it may. There is also evidence that innocent Korean drivers are being affected by these ugly foreigners - in 2013 1,600 cases of retaliatory driving were reported to the police, involving car chases, klaxons, beam lighting and verbal and visual abuse. 35 Koreans were killed during these incidents.

Police should personally speak to all ugly foreigners to remind them that the actions of the five ugly foreigners above will be presumed to represent them.

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Sunday, March 27, 2016

Google's Devious Plan to Humiliate Korea

Google approached Go champion and hero of the Korean people Lee Se-dol late last year to play a match, but tricked him with an offer of $1 million dollars in prize money. Even more deviously, the giant technology company did not tell him who exactly his opponent would be, apparently betting that Lee would not ask due to Koreans' well-known polite manners.

In a further sign of their ill intentions, Google rented the hotel venue through an event agency and did not mention that it would be used to subject the Korean people to the kind of humiliating and traumatic experience not seen since the Japanese invasion in 1910 and the sexual slavery of Korean women which followed.

Google's new motto is "Do the right thing", but apparently this doesn't apply to Koreans. Instead, Google skulked around Korea secretly planning this country's humiliation. This is a clear example of racism. The Google DeepMind CEO secretly gave a lecture at KAIST - the Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology - advocating artificial intelligence, and Google co-founder Sergey Brin paid a surprise visit to Korea after the fourth match, turning up on Korea's doorstep unexpectedly like an embarrassing relative at Chuseok, once he knew Korea had been beaten like a comfort woman. Google's aim was clearly to maintain the element of surprise, just like the Japanese in 1941 at Pearl Harbor.

After their sneak attack on Korea without formally declaring war, Google's corporate value rose more than 58 trillion won, and the international media published thousands of articles on Korea's historic humiliation by Google's machmen.

Google allegedly began to develop it's AlphaGo artificial intelligence system to bolster the ability of search engines to forecast the intentions of Internet users. But now it has become clear that the true intent was always to launch a vicious and unprovoked kill by numbers attack on the Korean people. Indeed, it is now obvious that Google was never founded to be a search engine company as it has claimed, but rather that behind this cover story the primary purpose of the organization was always the destruction of Korea. That Google hides its true intentions behind an elaborate global advertising and mobile software business demonstrates the size of the international conspiracy against the Korean people.

During the match, Google made Lee jump through hoops, which really affected his concentration and made it difficult to play. Meanwhile, as Lee jumped through these hoops, Google went to its foreign bank, laughing at Korea all the way there before it deposited its money.

It is said that Lee merely netted 187 million won, but its trickery against the Korean people generated trillions of won for Google. This represents a sinister new economic development in the relationship between companies and people, and may set a precedent for other people to be paid money by organizations while the organization paying them benefits more.

Google ultimately treated Lee as something of a pawn in its artificial intelligence experiment, which was typical of the company's cultural insensitivity when the game was Korean Go, not American chess.

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Saturday, March 26, 2016

North Korea in Plea to Tea Party

A North Korean web site unveiled video footage on Saturday in which one of its submarine-launched ballistic missiles destroys Washington D.C., in an apparent attempt to court Tea Party support during the U.S. election season.

Tea Party members have been calling for the destruction of Washington for some time, but unlike North Korea had failed to develop a nuclear program, instead believing that talking for very long periods of time during meetings was the most effective method of destroying the U.S. Government.

Pyongyang's strategy may be misplaced, as the Tea Party looks set to be defeated by the Tall Boy party, led by the aging South Korean property developer and turn tables expert, DJ Trump.

South Korean experts have reassured citizens that if Washington is destroyed in a nuclear attack the fallout will pose no risk to Seoul.

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Monday, March 21, 2016

Spartan 3000: Embarrassment as New South Korean Unit Gives Away Vital Military Secret

There was embarrassment in government circles today as the news of the formation of a new military unit appeared to give away vital details of South Korea's military strategy against North Korea in the event of an attack.

Early this morning it was announced that the South Korean Marine Corps had formed a new mobile unit assigned to counterattack North Korea in the event of Pyongyang initiating hostilities against the South. However, it was announced that military leaders had named the unit "Spartan 3000", as it consisted of 3,000 troops, thus revealing to the North Korean military how many South Korean soldiers to expect in any counterattack against Northern targets.

"We usually didn't tell the enemy the size of our planned attacks", said 67-year-old former General Kim, who later asked us to to quote him anonymously after this article had gone to press.

The military also announced that the troops will be based in the southeastern coastal city of Pohang, it will take them up to a day to counterattack, and their mission will be to destroy important North Korean military facilities.

"In the past, it would have taken 48 hours to counterattack" said a military official, "but now we've reduced this to 24 hours". A spokesman for the North Korean military thanked his Southern counterpart, saying they would update their defense plans with this new information.

In a press conference later this morning, the South Korean military spokesman said that the naming of the unit after a famous male "ultra sexual enhancement product which will not cause any headache!" was entirely coincidental, and nobody in the South Korean senior military ranks had ever heard of Spartan 3000 before independently coming up with the name.

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Saturday, March 19, 2016

South Korea's Sexual Harassment Culture Causing Evolutionary Changes

Critics who warned that the ending of Korea's curfew laws in the early 1980s would lead to increased hours of sexual harassment against women have seen their worst predictions proven correct, with the release of a new report showing evolutionary changes taking place in the Korean population.

According to the survey of 6,413 people, which was conducted last year by CATS, the Corean Agency for Technology and Standards, Korean women have developed longer legs over recent generations in order to outrun their harassers. As their legs have lengthened, Korean mens' ability to catch them has been reduced, leading to fewer chases. Due to this, Korean men in their 30s are becoming obese due to lack of exercise.

Mens' BMI figures have been on a steady rise since 1979, when General President Park Chung-hee was assassinated and South Korea became more liberal and decadent - leading to the unilateral ending of the curfew laws in 1982 by one of the weaker leaders that followed the General President.

Government leaders are worried that with South Korean women becoming more aggressive and sexually liberal, it is only a matter of time before the tables are turned and gangs of women begin harassing inappropriately-dressed men on the streets late at night, who will be defenseless due to their obesity and the rapid sprinting ability of increasingly long-legged Korean women.

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