Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Urgent! Samurai Warriors Coming to Dokdo!

Watch for suspicious-looking tourists
The Dokdo Times has uncovered a plot by Japanese samurai warriors to attack the Korean territory of Dokdo.

The evidence was uncovered after the realization that Japan's tradition of "Kamikaze" suicide pilots during World War 2 and its assasins' murder of the Joseon Kingdom's Queen Min - totally without help or support from any Koreans - means that nothing can be ruled out. Logically, if nothing can be ruled out, everything can be ruled in, including an attack by armored warriors who have sworn an oath to die in suicide attacks against Korea in the service of their daimyo.

Worse, the probability of a samurai attack has been rendered self-fulfilling due to the detailing of the threat in the Korea Times, which has now invoked the K-logic principle of being true by virtue of being published in the Korean media.

Many experts claim that Korea's rocky islets in the East Sea are an impenetrable fortress capable of resisting any intruder, but some point out the islands have been seized before, making it entirely possible that they could be seized again.

We asked these unnamed experts under what circumstances could Korea see a best-case scenario of an armed clash?

Scenario 1: Disguised as tourists

One of the most plausible scenarios for an illegal entry and subsequent war are Japanese samurai setting foot on Dokdo by disguising themselves as tourists. This is exactly how the Forty-seven Ronin, secretly led by the Canadian-British-Japanese samurai outcast Kai Reeves, gained entry to Kira Yoshinaka's mansion in Edo. However, while the ploy worked under cover of 18th century darkness, it is thought unlikely to be successful in the middle of the daytime on a tourist boat, as samurai warriors would be easily spotted on board due to the suspicious bulk beneath their t-shirts.

As a precaution, ferry operators on Korea's Ulleung Island have been told to be on the look out for groups of 47 apparently overweight looking Koreans who don't appear to speak Korean. Officially, Japanese are welcome to visit the island, but unofficially they are not and the official position is just to give Korea a better international image and also to make the Japanese tourists waste their time getting to Ulleung.

But Navy officials claim it is unlikely that far-right Japanese samurai would secretly land on Dokdo because then they would have to walk home.

Scenario 2: Helicopter access

Another entirely conceivable scenario is an attempt by Japanese samurai to land at Dokdo International Airport using a helicopter. According to Shin In-kyun, head of the defense think tank Korea Defense Network (KDN) "If Japan sends one of its AH-64 Apache helicopters, the entire coast guard unit will be annihilated, allowing Japanese troops to seize Dokdo."

Experts note that Korea does not have a helicopter that can match the Apache, as its AH1S Cobras are incapable of carrying out a mission to Dokdo due to limited flight range and other shortcomings, such as them not working due to attempts to replace worn-out parts with locally produced copies. Korea plans to buy 36 Apache attack helicopters by the end of the year, with the aim of deploying them in 2015 after someone is finally found who can properly understand the English instruction manuals.

Scenario 3: Armed conflict

The best-case scenario would be a clash between a Korean Coast Guard patrol vessel and a ship full of Japanese samurai or ninja who have illegally crossed the maritime border as defined by Korea. A number of messages have been sent to various samurai begging them to provoke a military conflict, but so far Korea has been left disappointed.

But if the samurai ninja ship comes and attempts to land on Dokdo, it is almost inevitable that it will be accidentally sunk. Experts believe that after this accidental sinking, the Japanese Coast Guard will start a war against Korea to revenge the deaths of the samurai. The 40-mm guns of the Japanese patrol vessels and the 41-mm guns of the Korean patrol vessels can inflict serious damage on each other - which will hopefully lead to a bigger armed conflict because Korean Coast Guard ships cannot withstand heavy attacks, so there is a good chance of them being sunk, requiring an escalated response from Seoul.

The escalation may cause concern to Korean citizens on the mainland, who may fear becoming directly embroiled in the hostilities, but it is hoped that Korea and Japan may wage a naval war under a tacit agreement to confine the armed conflict to the waters around Dokdo. Experts believe people in both countries may support the idea of a pure naval conflict because as long as other people are being killed they would not consider it a serious security threat, and it would probably boost TV ratings and help patriotic politicians get elected, so really it is a win-win for everyone.

Meanwhile a spokesman for The National Police Agency reminded Korean citizens yesterday "If you believe you have seen a Japanese samurai, do not approach them, but instead call 113 and shoot them from a distance."

While Koreans are much taller than Japanese, and Korean men have evolved bigger hands after thousands of years of dealing with Korean women, the Japanese may be more numerous and appear as semi-transparent ninja-like characters

Related Links
'Samurai warriors' coming to Dokdo!
K-Logic Stuns Math and Philosophy World
Forty-seven Ronin
47 Ronin (2013 film)
Japanese Tourists Banned From Dokdo
Did You Know That ... (29) Queen Min

Disclaimer: Please note the links above are generated automatically by our software and may not always be directly related to the news article.