TV Personality Jailed for Missing TV Show

Popular entertainer 36 year-old Kim Jung-hwan was sentenced to eight months in prison on Friday for missing a recording of his TV show. In a ruling that is bound to create further fear with in the entertainment community, and cement the power of the media chaebol over everyone's lives, the judge claimed that Kim's failure to attend the recording of 'Light Entertainment Program Number 728' was evidence of his addiction to gambling, which is sometimes illegal in Korea. Kim's lawyer said he missed the recording because he was sick.

According to prosecution lawyers, the saga began last year when Kim, who must now be referred to under his full legal title of 'disgraced Kim Jung-hwan (36)', was accused of betting and losing more than 200 million won ($185,000) at a casino in the Philippines. He later admitted that "it was one hell of a holiday". However, the authorities in Seoul, who strictly regulate the recreational activities of Koreans both inside and outside Korea, claimed that he had broken the law, since gambling is illegal for Koreans except in one designated casino called Kangwon Land, horse racing tracks, the lottery, the stock market, North Korean foreign policy, 'go-stop' games, and pretty much everywhere else.

When disgraced Kim Jung-hwan (36) failed to return to the Korean motherland for a recording of his TV show, his agency released a photo of him lying in a local hospital with what they claimed was 'breakbone fever' symptoms. At the time prosecutors said they could not be sure from the photograph what he was lying about, but when he returned to Korea doctors discovered no evidence of any bone breakages. "The nature of his crime is very bad given his actions in hiding away and gambling away a large amount of money overseas," said a prosecutor, denying the case was brought because of the disruption to TV schedules.

Law professor, 57 year-old Kim from Seoul International University, said "lawmakers should have made up a special law to deal with unpunctual TV personalities, rather than trying to apply an inconsistent Korean law overseas. Disgraced Kim Jung-hwan (36)'s conviction for gambling creates a legal argument for the closure of horse racing tracks and the Korean stock market, and may require a change in foreign policy." However, the government has denied they are gambling with North Korea, as the large amounts of money they have lost to Pyongyang are not 'bets' but 'protection money'.

The KOSPI closed down 2% as traders withdrew their money, fearing a visit from the police. Sales of lottery tickets were unchanged.

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Foreigner Replaces Self With Mannequin, Claims Nobody Notices

A foreigner who says he grew tired of being consigned to the background in meetings with Korean colleagues, claims he replaced himself with a mannequin for over a year without anyone noticing. "I like think that most Westerners are just like part of the background picture here, and our absence is like rarely missed unless we like do something wrong, or are like needed for something, you know?" he told us.

Mitch, who is from Los Angeles, says he hit upon the idea when it finally dawned on him that most professional social contact in Korea was superficial, just like in his home town, and drawing from a number of movies as inspiration, decided to create a passive replacement Mitch who could attend the tedious yet socially obligatory Korean meetings - often outside official hours - that he would otherwise have to endure.

"To be, like honest and everything, I expected to be like, totally found out after like, you know, a day or two." he explained. But it didn't happen. Mitch wasn't able to completely replace himself, as he had to continue to teach classes during the daytime, but he became suspicious that his plan was working better than expected when colleagues began to complement him on his more positive attitude towards meetings - previously he had been frequently admonished for fidgeting, not agreeing with his bosses and speaking his mind during the enforced gatherings.

"I'm like, totally you know like glad and everything now that I didn't like run with my first idea which was just to have like a cardboard cut-out of myself." This was probably a good idea – 57-year-old Seoul International University Psychology Professor Kim told us "Even though many Koreans see foreigners as rather two-dimensional, psychologists agree that while the human brain can often trick a person into seeing what they want to see, it is not always successful at visually creating whole new dimensions. If it was, people might realize they are actually living in a computer simulation."

Mitch decided to speak out after his company nominated him for the inaugural 'Ideal Foreigner Award' which the Government has launched in order to encourage non-Korean residents to integrate further into Korean society and stop speaking out. "It's like, gone too far", he accepted. But despite his admission, many of his co-workers have refused to believe that Mitch wasn't at the meetings. His boss said he has a distinct recollection of Mitch agreeing with many of his ideas, and a female colleague even claims they even went on a date together secretly following one after-work meeting. "He was a good listener", she admitted, "but I'm sure I would have noticed if he hadn't been real." Mitch told us that he had used the dummy "once-or-twice" for dates with Korean girls, although he refused to be drawn on exactly which ones.

Now his company is aware of the existence of his stand-in, Mitch says he'll have to stop using it and return to attending meetings in person. But he is faced with months of unraveling the life that 'Dummy Mitch' created.

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Jinju Suicide Festival Draws Fire

A regional festival is drawing criticism because of an event where children jump off a cliff with a Japanese-dressed dummy in a reenactment of a historic figure's martyrdom.

With the level of teen and adult suicides in Korea reaching epidemic proportions, bloggers have slammed the event for the inappropriateness of giving children a "suicide experience", but organizers of the Jinju Murder-Suicide Festival say it is instructive to learn about patriotism, because sometimes there's nothing better for Korea than killing yourself, preferably taking some of the hated Japanese with you.

The Festival celebrates Nongae, a gisaeng or 'Korean courtesan'. Historically gisaeng - whose careers peaked around the age of 16 - held the hereditary status in Korea of 'no-good whores' or 'cheonmin' - the lowest rank of society along with butchers and slaves - and they could only be released from their enslavement if a hefty price was paid to the government. Nongae was possibly Korea's first comfort woman to switch from Koreans to Japanese, marking her out as a 'no-good whore who slept with foreigners', a status sometimes still bestowed by ajeossis on women with non-Koreans on the subway. Officially however the Festival's website remembers her as a 'singing and dancing girl' although later it also appears to describe her as a 'wanton prostitute'.

During the Japanese invasion of Joseon in 1593, widely seen as a mistaken retaliation for the earlier combined Mongol-Korean 'peacekeeping operation' which attempted to liberate Japan from its Japanese oppressors, the 'cheonmin' Nongae is said to have lured the Japanese general Keyamura Rokusuke to a cliff before throwing herself into the Nam River below while holding him tight in her arms, causing both of them to drown. The Jinju Charm Nongae Cyber Museum website states that "it is very commendable that a woman among kisaengs had that kind of integrity" unlike most no-good whores, adding "It may be said that 'gwangis'" (a gisaeng enslaved to the government) "are wanton prostitutes who can not have a strong sense of virtue or morality. But one of them was willing to kill herself to keep her chastity." However, having been born into a hereditary life of prostitution, experts are doubtful that Nongae was still a virgin at the relatively old age of 16 in her non-chosen career.

People in the region have nevertheless honored Nongae as a patriotic martyr throughout their history since 2002, a year that coincidentally saw a resurgence of Korean nationalism, a repeated Dokdo territorial claim by the Japanese, and the largest ever anti-American demonstrations in Korea's history.

Responding to domestic critics of the suicide reenactment, one of the organizers said that they were trying to teach children that hating the Japanese can be fun. Another added "We didn't force children to to participate in the event, but parents encouraged them to try", although as most Korean children are aware, that means it wasn't a choice. He also refuted the allegation that it is a "suicide experience", but rather it is a "martyrdom experience". As such, for safety the children of migrant workers were prevented from participating.

Over 600 children participated in the Jinju Murder-Suicide Festival, with many speaking passionately in martyrdom videos recorded beforehand of the need for Japan to apologize for the Joseon invasion of 1593. "Japan should stop brainwashing their children using history education!" they chanted on camera. During their fall, many used their smartphones to post on their Twitter accounts "I'm martyring myself now. Death to the Japanese!" The Japanese government has not yet issued an apology for any of the martyred children.

Following the online criticism, Jinju women's groups have suggested that next year the Festival should instead shift its emphasis towards highlighting the historical persecution and sexual slavery of teenage girls in Korea, alongside the continuing gender discrimination and misogyny still endemic today in Korean society, but the organizers dismissed this "as a stupid idea made by no-good whores".

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