Switzerland Beat South Korea 1-0 on Insults in Olympic Football

The Swiss football team have beaten South Korea 1-0 on insults at the London Olympics after a stunning strike by Switzerland defender Michel Morganella achieved a winning breakthrough for his country.

Morganella won the match by posting a Twitter message calling South Koreans a 'bunch of mongoloids' who 'can go burn'. The South Korean team found themselves unable to respond under the Swiss offensive, leaving them so humiliated Morganella later said he felt profoundly sorry for the Korean people.

There was swift reaction in Seoul following the defeat, with politicians questioning the controversial decision to field a team consisting of eleven strong Korean defenders but no natural attacking players. There was also criticism over local soccer training methods, in which South Korean defenders who who practice attacks do so with set pieces primarily aimed at the Japanese, Chinese and Americans.

It quickly became apparent however that the Korean team had no answer to the Swiss assault because training methods had not covered the small, largely uninteresting and traditionally neutral European country. Morganella, who tweets in French, also took to the field sporting a Mohawk or African Mandinka warrior-type hairstyle, creating the deliberately false impression of a weak-minded racially-tolerant multiculturalist who was likely to pose little threat to a pure-blooded Korean football team, which just two months ago reaffirmed its commitment to prevent non-ethnic Koreans who had become Korean citizens from becoming members. It is generally agreed in Korea that dirty and smelly non-ethnic Koreans have no business representing Korea at international sporting events or anywhere else.

The evident confusion among the ethnically-pure Korean players continued into the post-match press conference. When asked why they had apparently had no answer to the Swiss offensive and what should have been said in response, the press were met with silence and blank looks. After some prompting, one player asked what he knew about Switzerland said "cheese... watches... erm, mountains?" with another quickly rebuking him: "we have mountains, you can't say that".

But the reaction of others in Seoul was more measured, with some pointing out that Morganella's winning "Mongoloid" strike was world-class, as it was expertly aimed at deeply-rooted but completely unfounded local insecurities about the origin of the Korean race, which definitely evolved independently of everyone else in Korea, not China or Japan, and definitely not Mongolia, which would be unthinkable - especially when people from that country are regularly turned away from Korean spas. Führermore, telling Koreans 'to go burn' at a time the country is suffering from a relentless killer heatwave possibly elevated the short 140 character burst into the best in the world this year, according to social media and soccer experts.

The IOC has sought to make the London Olympics the first 'Blood-Games' since Berlin in 1936, by encouraging athletes to share their thoughts via social media, fully knowing that years of rigorous training in your national colors to beat different colored people wearing different colored uniforms often turns young impressionable athletes into ardent closet-nationalists, with only the moderating influences of international sponsorship deals encouraging them to keep their views to themselves. Both Korean teams were expected to do well because of this, and Goldman Sachs – the global investment bank and shadow world government – said before the Olympics began that it had arranged for Korea to finish 8th in the Games.

Despite the defeat, the Korean Football Association has promised to be better prepared for their next match against Gabon tomorrow. Almost nothing is known about the tiny African country but with Korea's extensive recent history of 'blackface' broadcasts and Korean Air's description of Kenyans as 'primitive', Korea is likely to start the game at least 2-0 up on racially-motivated insults.

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Vampire Who Refused to Take Foreign Blood Dies

Fair society for Korean vampires?

A Korean vampire who arrived at the emergency room of a large Seoul hospital complaining of severe weakness is reported to have died last week after he refused to accept foreign blood.

Many hospitals have struggled with low blood stocks in recent months as Koreans have been too busy with their Galaxy S2s and Galaxy Notes to donate, but foreigners who can speak fluent Korean, whose skin isn't too dark, and who come from countries not designated as a 'mad cow disease risk area' - which includes the whole of Europe - are inconveniently allowed to donate if no other excuses can be found, and have continued to do so.

It has been considered prudent to keep some foreign blood in hospitals after the so-called 'waegug-minjok' affair two years ago, when a foreigner who'd had a major blood transfusion in Korea from normal blood stocks following an accident claimed to be a pure-blooded Korean in the last ever episode of the television show "I Have a Secret". Foreign blood is otherwise usually quietly thrown down the drain or sold for use in the Korean movie business.

With stocks of Korean blood low, the hospital in question instead offered the vampire as much foreign blood as he wanted, but he refused saying he still had his standards, and died shortly afterward.

Korean vampires are said to be outraged by the unnecessary death of a long-lived friend and colleague who they claim was old enough to remember the Korean founding of Dokdo when it was an uninhabited island and definitely not Japanese. However, generally Korea is seen as a progressive society for vampires; many shops remain open late into the night for their benefit, and the employment of vampires means it's never too difficult to get a taxi at 2am in the morning. One of Korea's biggest entertainment agencies even launched a 'vampire boy band', who can keep their youthful looks indefinitely as long as they have a ready supply of blood, which given the devotion of their female fans should not be a problem.

President Lee Myung-bak has also sought to create a fair society for vampires, by increasing the number of migrant workers in Korea from Asian countries. Such workers tend not to be missed when they disappear after the life is drained out of them, making them potentially ideal for the local vampire population.

But the populist initiative potentially demonstrated how far Korean society still has to go to understand its vampire population – after it was launched the Korean vampires said they didn't like to eat foreign food. "These days younger vampires will eat American fast food, but most of us are too old to change our ways" explained a spokesvampire. But even younger vampires are said to struggle with their dietary preferences – most Americans in Korea are clinically overweight and are therefore not that fast.

After a week the hospital has still to release the dead vampire's name, fueling rumors that he may have run a large Korean corporation. The left-wing Hankyoreh newspaper maintains that all Korea's corporations – known as 'chaebol' – are run by blood-sucking vampires, and that the group even has closet members in the upper echelons of government.

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The Shocking Reality About Relationships With MBC TV Heads

MBC TV, which earlier this year broadcast a program revealing the shocking reality for unfortunate Korean women who have relationships with foreigners under the title "The Shocking Reality About Relationships With Foreigners", has now filmed a sequel called "The Shocking Reality About Relationships With MBC TV Heads".

It is understood that the program focuses on men whose wives have had bad experiences with these shocking television executives. In one interview, a man claiming to be the husband of a female victim says she spent a night in a Japanese hotel near Osaka last year, and demanded an apology.

The man, who was shown talking to reporters in a coffee shop with his identity obscured, shockingly claimed that the MBC TV head had not only committed adultery – a criminal offense in Korea punishable by up to two years in prison, although mainly for women – but that the alleged act happened over Chuseok – apparently in a deliberate insult to Korean culture's most revered holiday. Furthermore, the specific date over Chuseok was said to be September 11th. "He could be a terrorist." said the anonymous narrator.

Determined to get to the bottom of the story, a reporter phoned women in the Seoul area telling them "I hear you've been the victim of an MBC TV Head". "I don't want to talk about it" one woman confirmed, clearly deeply traumatized.

There is no doubt that the morals of MBC TV heads has become a social issue. In one area of Seoul, Korean television executives can be found walking with married women all over the streets with daring intimacy. According to "The Shocking Reality About Relationships With MBC TV Heads", some Korean women are trying to date with MBC executives frequently in order to use them, but they are the ones who end up as the biggest victims in these affairs.

Predictably, MBC TV heads have hit back saying that the program presents a false portrayal of relationships between Korean women and MBC TV heads. The MBC TV head accused of taking a married woman to the New Awaji hotel near Osaka during Chuseok on the anniversary of 9/11 even tried to claim it was not true and he had only taken her phone to the hotel because they had a normal business relationship. He did not answer questions about whether this meant he was having an affair with her phone instead.

In a Facebook group that gained 1 member is less than four hours, MBC TV heads are now asking how they can launch action against the program makers. However, the same member later replies to his own question, saying that the program was produced by an outside company and it is therefore really nothing to do with MBC.

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Most Sex Offenders in Seoul Don't Really Live in City

According to government statistics, most sex offenders in Seoul don't really live in the city, but instead live on the outskirts. Central Seoul, or 'Real Seoul' as it is known, with its office buildings and the affluent districts south of the Han River has relatively few sex offenders. Instead, it is filled with white-collar criminals and well-connected people with very good lawyers.

After coming under pressure recently following a series of high profile sex crimes, the government created a website database listing the location of convicted sex criminals in Korea. However, it only lists those who committed their crimes from 2010 onwards, as the 20,000 people who committed crimes before this but haven't been caught again since "are probably OK", according to a government official.

Among the 2,051 convicted sex offenders listed on the government's website, 345 live just outside Real Seoul, and the area with the highest number of offenders for its population size is actually Jeju City on the Korean island of Jeju. Officials in the tourist resort say they will update their publicity materials soon to reflect the claim.

While Real Seoul appears perfectly safe, residents are still advised to be on their guard however. Evidence gathered by the media suggests that one possible reason sex offenders stay away from the area is the competition from the district's foreigners, who have cornered the market on victimizing Korean women there. Because of their frequency, foreign crimes have their own special database and don't appear in the local Korean statistics.

Korean sex offenders "usually live in mid-size cities or on the outskirts of towns where they can remain anonymous" said a doctor at a medical center in the anonymous city of Daegu. It has long been recognized that it is impossible to remain anonymous in Real Seoul, a place where everybody knows your name, which is why sex offenders dare not live there.

In their quest for anonymity, these sex offenders often remain hidden indoors, and have problems adjusting to society. The government has warned people in these areas to be on the look out for pale-looking individuals struggling to communicate who may be working in a job which gives them access to children, such as teaching.

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North Korea Threatens to Destroy Glasgow in a 'Sea of Fire'

North Korea has reacted angrily to a British attempt to imply the North Korean women's football team had defected en masse, and had arrived in the Scottish tourist resort of Glasgow to play Columbia in an Olympic match on behalf of South Korea.

Images of the players were shown on screen at the soccer stadium next to South Korean flags, prompting frantic calls from Pyongyang via invisible phones which all North Korean coaches carry with them. Former leader Kim Jong-il, a keen fan of football, was said to have given regular tactical advice to players during matches using the phones. On seeing the South Korean flag, the players refused to return to the pitch and the game was delayed for up to an hour while they made their Last Will and Testaments.

After discovering that the team had not defected, and that it was a Scottish-South-Korean propaganda trick, North Korean state television threatened to destroy Glasgow in a 'sea of fire' following the match. Local residents were said to be divided on the plan.

North Korea analysts say the threat should be taken seriously. The unpredictable regime has previously threatened to destroy Seoul in a sea of fire, a promise it may finally have delivered on as Seoul struggles under a sweltering heatwave for a sixth day with no end in sight. The National Intelligence Service has said it has no evidence that the record-breaking temperatures are part of an attack, and fearing an escalation of tensions the government has tried to blame them on weather conditions, but The Hankyoreh newspaper says the heatwave is a direct result of "climate change brought about by President Lee Myung-bak's failed Four Rivers project."

North Korea beat Columbia 2-0, although sources in Pyongyang say the women will still be executed anyway when they return.

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Miss Plastic Surgery Korea Admits to Faking Operations

The woman who won last year's Miss Plastic Surgery title in Korea has admitted that she hasn't had any operations at all and that "it's amazing what you can do with a bit of makeup".

22 year-old Kim now says that while people always considered her attractive, it was a natural rather than manufactured beauty. In a country where everything from pop groups to history is carefully manufactured, people are likely to react angrily to the idea that something they were exposed to was effectively independently produced with none of the safety guarantees the backing of a major clinic provides.

It is this lack of backing that proved to be Kim's undoing. Even though she had regularly talked about the work which she had done, sometimes disappearing for days on end to cover 'bandage time', she had refused to name the clinic which had engineered her body, leading to a damaging rumor campaign among netizens that she was marketing an unbranded product from a minor clinic – possibly even from one outside Seoul.

As people dug into her background a major scandal then erupted when photos from Kim's past surfaced. In her yearbook photo – uploaded by one of her peers – Kim has a remarkably similar look, leaving no doubt that the beauty queen hadn't gone under the knife since her school days. While children as young as 13 are now getting plastic surgery, standards were tighter when Kim was a teenager - apparently ruling her out from even being an early pioneer.

In the face of the growing calls for her to be investigated, Kim came clean about her shocking secret, but her troubles may just be beginning. In addition to being forced to give back her title, some girls are already threatening legal action against Kim for devaluing the work they have had done on the grounds that it is unfair competition to have an unlicensed beauty applying for the same jobs.

Last year did see a minor backlash against plastic surgery when YG Entertainment, one of the top manufacturers of K-pop, said it was planning to launch a K-pop group with a twist – the members of the group would commit to not having any kind of plastic surgery, although many in the industry said they simply wouldn't be able to find five girls who were either plastic-free or willing to commit to a surgery-free future, and nothing more has been heard about the plan since.

Plastic surgery in Korea has a long tradition and numerous historical dramas portray people who have clearly had work done by the surgeons of the period, proving how Korean plastic surgery is the oldest in the world. But in recent years as the economy has struggled competition for better grades and jobs has increased leading to what has amounted to a plastic surgery arms race among men and especially women, and in addition to inventing the technique Korea now also has the most plastic surgery patients in the world. Because of this, plastic surgery is regarded by many as a tax on job-seeking if not a tax on life itself, and Kim may now find herself at the center of a test case in which it is established whether she can be convicted as a tax evader.

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Busan International Magic Festival to Make City's Debt Vanish

Busan Bankruptcy Exhibition Center

One-hundred magicians from fifteen different countries around the world will gather in Korea's second-class city of Busan in August where they will try to use their collective powers to make the city's debt vanish.

Debt levels in several Korean cities have been growing alarmingly during the last few years with politicians making a series of ever-wilder political promises to get elected as they finally realized that the beauty of the Korean education system is that it produces gullible voters incapable of independent critical thought, which is why significant reform of the education system is the one promise no politician has made.

Busan is currently running the third highest-level of fiscal debt in the country behind Seoul and Greater Seoul, with a debt-to-budget ratio in the 25 to 40 percent region, formally placing it under a 'debt warning'. The problem has accelerated in the last two years due to declining tax revenues from a sluggish real estate market and the Busan banking pyramid scheme.

The festival will kick off at the Bankruptcy Exhibition Center near Haeundae Beach on August 2nd and highlights will include Korean magicians who will perform knife tricks, a disappearing act involving pro-North political activists, 'The Dokdo Illusion', the 'Magic Hat' where banknotes are turned into winning legal cases, and contractual slight of hands.

Visiting magicians from Japan are promising to attempt a feat of mass hypnosis in which they say they will try to convince audience members that certain historical events never happened, though there is some controversy surrounding this as Korean magicians say it is based on their own famous 'False Memory Syndrome' routine. In addition, American magicians will perform 'The Vanishing Lady' trick during a nighttime show, although again, this is based on Korean traditional magic.

The festival will end on August 5th with the joint attempt to conjure away the city's massive debt. If successful, some say it may even change the nature of the performance of magic forever, with magicians being invited to openly become part of local and national government administrations, savings banks and the legal establishment.

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Ahn Says 'Buy My Book and I'll Run for President'

Fiction or non-fiction?

Indecisive ROK-tease 50 year-old Ahn Cheol-soo has launched a book with a novel marketing strategy, saying that if people show they agree with him by buying the book he will have no choice but to push ahead with his possible plans to run for president and save the country.

Sources in the literary world said the move was "inspired", and thought it might represent a new opportunity for authors. For example, a doctor who had just written a book could say that he wasn't going to save a patient unless people purchased a certain number of copies of the work, on the basis that this was a vote of confidence in his skills.

But the book has left some confused, and not only over whether it should be classed as fiction or non-fiction. "Is he a politician trying to sell books to run for office, or is he an author trying to run for office to sell books?" asked 34 year-old Kim in a bookstore.

The book strongly hints at Ahn's presidential ambitions but does not arrive at a decision. Originally titled "If I did it", but launched as "Ahn Cheol-soo's Thoughts" (안철수의 생각), the book is written in the form of an interview with himself. According to the country's largest bookstore in central Seoul, where people's votes actually matter, the book sold 7,500 copies yesterday, setting a new record for first-day sales. The number is more than double that of the 3,500 copies sold for the Korean translation of "Steve Jobs", the other celebrity known to have a reality distortion field.

Ahn says that "The book is the first step in telling people about what I think about politics and plan to do". 'Step zero' was his lecture tour, in which he told people about politics and what he planned to do, and 'step minus one' was his courting of the media, in which he gave a series of interviews to tell people about politics and what he planned to do. Many who have experienced step zero and step minus one said they listened to his views and found his plans utterly convincing at the time, but none were able to explain what the actual policy proposals were afterwards.

Previously, former doctor Ahn rose to fame with his Korean anti-virus business before extending his comedy career to appear in NBC's Community and The Hangover series of movies under a stage name.

Last week, a massive public demonstration against Ahn standing took place in Seoul. Many who attended this 'million man march' - nobody bothered counting the women - said they were tired of politicians and prospective politicians playing politics and wanted honesty and decisiveness in government. But Ahn said the demonstration was classic over-compensation from a large group of voters who hadn't publicly come out in his favor because they hadn't yet accepted their true political orientation, and he thanked them for their support.

Important health note: Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the Korean world and it is in order that this situation should not be in any way exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance: Ahn Cheol-soo will stand for president, and the deadly nuclear missile attack to be launched next year by an ancient enemy will result in the bruising of somebody's upper arm. In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved no revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm will be bruised.

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Female Presidential Candidate Should "Show Some Leg" - Korea Times

60 year-old presidential candidate Park Geun-hye, who is campaigning to become Korea's first female president, should 'show some leg' according to the Managing Editor of The Korea Times, in an editorial titled "If Park shows some leg".

Commenting on her struggles, which have seen Park controversially state that the 1961 military coup led by her father against a fledgling democratic government was the "inevitable and best possible choice" for Korea, Editor Oh suggests that she start her fightback by wearing skirts. By insisting on wearing trousers, he says, "it reinforces sexist stereotypes that she is just another woman trying to break the glass ceiling in a male-dominated society."

Conversely, The Korea Times - which last week said that women who wore skirts walked a thin line between sexy and trashy - believes that by being politically pressured into wearing a skirt and 'showing some leg' by the male establishment she will break free of sexual stereotypes.

Park's campaign ran into difficulties right from the start, when voters noticed a striking physical difference to other presidential candidates, and many soon realized it was because she was a woman. In their weaker moments, some say that after 5,000 years of male leadership it's time for a woman to lead Korea, and others argue that it could be good for democracy, because if she doesn't do things properly she can be beaten until she learns.

However, most people have admitted they will vote for her because it's the closest they can come to bringing back the popular authoritarian government which was overthrown in the Democratic Coup of 1987. Many of these voters were in positions where they benefited from the culture of corruption and coercion under the previous authoritarian but strong regimes.

Park's father had reluctantly led the 1961 coup after protests - predictably organized by liberals - made governing the country difficult. This forced the general to selflessly seize power from the incompetent government. He promised to quickly return power to civilian authorities but such had been the scale of the damage they had done in their short period in office, that Park was still in power 18 years later trying to sort out the mess when he was assassinated by the director of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency.

Many now argue that rather than being a coup, the 1961 military takeover and removal of the democratic government should be seen as a revolution in the same spirit as the French Revolution and the American Revolution. An editorial in the JoongAng Daily covering the opening of a library dedicated to the honor of the late military ruler read "The Park Chung Hee Memorial-Library should be more than an exhibition displaying his relics. It should be a place that inspires national pride and encourages ambition. It should remind us of how far this country has come and how strong leadership can direct us to a better tomorrow."

And indeed, if Park had not been brutally cut down in his prime, South Korea would have continued developing its nuclear program to the extent that it is hard to imagine North Korea being a problem today, or even being at all. With South Korea once again considering building its own bomb to defend itself from North Korea, China, Japan and American beef imports, voters are perhaps hoping Park's daughter can finish what her father started.

So will it be a case of like-father like-daughter, and despite her obvious disadvantage can Park Geun-hye create a strong leadership which can direct us to a better tomorrow? By referring to the 1961 Korean Revolution as the "inevitable and best possible choice" for this country, Park certainly believes so. But can the military accept a female leader? If Park becomes president they have so far not said if this will represent an inevitable and best possible choice for Korea, or whether there is another option. Perhaps in the face of these uncertainties she will be forced to follow the advice of The Korea Times, and 'show some leg' to get elected and win people's respect.

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Amnesty Opposes Korean Human Rights

Restraining Hope

Amnesty International, a global group which claims to want to protect human rights, has shown its true colors by coming out against the reappointment of Korea's National Human Rights Commission chief, 68 year-old Hyun Byung-chul, by President Lee Myung-bak, because the foreign-dominated group lacks an cultural understanding of Korean civil liberties.

South Korea was founded on the principle of human rights, but this country's commitment to the issue goes far beyond the selective interpretation of groups like Amnesty, which only tends to focus on one group in society. Instead, Korea is committed to respecting the human rights of all its citizens, not just those attention-seekers who often falsely claim to be being persecuted.

Unlike the one-sided nature of groups like Amnesty, under eternal President Lee Myung-bak's fair and balanced leadership Korea's National Human Rights Commission (NHRC) has pursued his policy objective of creating a fair society - by ensuring that the rights of police officers, government officials, politicians and other citizens regularly persecuted by domestic liberals and foreigner groups like Amnesty are also protected. Korea is a democracy and clearly people who oppose democratically-elected policies and the officials implementing them are anti-democratic and therefore anti-state, which is treason. Why should the so-called 'human rights' of traitors be protected at all?

The previous failure of the NHRC to protect law-abiding members of Korean society, abandoned by the pro-North administrations which had seized power prior to Lee Myung-bak's democratic election, has long been a cause for concern among right-minded Korean people. But now that the NHRC is addressing this bias under 68 year-old Hyun, these younger cultural reactionaries are trying to turn back the clock by campaigning against his reappointment, typically ignoring his human right to work. However, it is a consistent failure of such liberals to respect the rights of people with jobs, because they often don't have one themselves - or at least, not one worth having.

Prior to 68 year-old Hyun taking over the NHRC, human rights for all members of society seemed like a distant dream, but right after he was appointed he told the media "I know nothing about the NHRC and human rights", signaling his willingness to rethink the scope and nature of the issue in South Korea from a more mature, clean and unbiased perspective.

Then, when younger reactionaries remaining in the National Human Rights Commission held a meeting to try and condemn a police crackdown in Yongsan even though it resulted in the death of a police officer alongside some lawbreakers, 68 year-old Hyun closed the meeting before a vote could be held saying "It may be dictatorial but I can't help doing so", harking back to the era of strong leadership this country enjoyed in the 20th century under successive governments before the failing ones arrived to undo their good work.

Predictably, liberal groups who only want human rights for themselves then sought to smear 68 year-old Hyun with allegations of plagiarism, real estate speculation, draft dodging by his son and other ethical lapses. But Hyun rejected most of the accusations as unfounded and claimed that the plagiarism criteria was different in the past.

Undaunted, the NHRC under 68 year-old Hyun has pressed on with its mission to actively bring about a fair society with policies aimed at protecting people traditionally persecuted by the sight of gays in the street looking at each other and maybe your children, ensuring that homosexuals learn to respect the rights of others not to be offended by their perversion.

But this does not mean that during 68 year-old Hyun's first term of leadership there hasn't been a recognition that Korean society is changing in ways that cannot be stopped, and out of temporary necessity becoming more open to foreigners living in our buildings, streets and towns, and sitting next to your wife or daughter on the subway. "Korea has become a multicultural society. Niggers are living with us." said 68 year-old Hyun.

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North Korea in Failure to Repay Loan Shock

Authorities in South Korea have reacted with shock after North Korea failed to repay the first part of a loan worth $720 million, which was made to the ideologically-stricken country between 2000 and 2007 in the form of 2.6 million tons of rice and corn. The loans were due to start being paid back after a grace period long enough to ensure the politicians who arranged them would no longer be in government.

South Korea's Export-Import Bank, which is known as Eximbank, said it notified Pyongyang that the first repayment date was in May, just in case it had forgotten, but there was no response initially. Thinking the check might have got caught up in the mail, the bank has been going down to Seoul Central Post Office every day for a month but by the end of last week it still hadn't arrived.

This passing of the May deadline put the North in arrears, but on Sunday the late-payment period lapsed putting the North formally in default on the loan, although South Korean authorities have yet to declare this for fear of the consequences. North Korea is believed to be unable to repay the money because under harsher policies towards it enacted by President Lee Myung-bak, the South has stopped exporting the ink which Pyongyang needs for its so-called 'superdollar' counterfeit printing presses.

As the final deadline passed, Eximbank instead sent a letter to Pyongyang reminding it that by failing to pay, it risked damaging its credit rating and international reputation, which would make it difficult to obtain future loans from countries other than South Korea.

Pyongyang has since replied that it is currently lacking hard currency as it has all its money tied up in the markets, but it has suggested that the loan could instead be made into a barter agreement. The North is known to be rich in minerals, unlike South Korea where they have to be purchased in small bottles at great cost, and in 2007 it repaid $2.4 million of debt with zinc ore. It is reported that this time Pyongyang has offered to send uranium to Seoul as an alternative.

Related Links
Export-Import Bank Urges N.Korea to Repay Debt
N. Korea's silence on debt gives S. Korea right to declare Pyongyang's default
Seoul to Pyongyang: Time to Pay Your Debts
North Korea’s Dollar Store

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A Problem Women Predictably Can't Solve

A question titled "A problem women are unable to solve" has recently become the topic of conversation in the Internet community, even though there are obviously many problems women can't solve.

The question read "A man's affection for his girlfriend has faded. She told him she wanted to break up with him. As soon as she split up with him, she deleted his phone number from her list. However, her phone number remained intact in the man's list. Why?"

Had the man's affection for his girlfriend really faded after all? And if it hadn't, why had he stopped threatening her with violence? Women, who can barely think for themselves at the best of times, predictably couldn't solve the problem.

The correct answer to this question was that the man just couldn't be bothered to remove the woman's phone number, because it was too much effort. When he gets another girlfriend, he might ask her to delete it, or perhaps he'll ask his mother while she's doing his washing and cooking his food.

A second question was also posted: "A man and a woman went on a picnic some time after they began dating. The woman brought with her 'yubu chobap', or seasoned rice wrapped in a fried tofu bag, for him. The man told her he didn't like it, but ate some of it anyway. After the picnic, the man told her that he wished to break up with her. Why?"

Was it because he really hated 'yubu chobap' and feared a lifetime of eating it unless he learned to make food for himself, which would be unthinkable? No, the right answer was "because she was not pretty", according to reports.

But then, if she was not pretty people asked, why did the man date her in the first place and go out for the infamous 'yobu chobap' meal after this, before breaking up with her? Was it for the chance of 'picnic sex'? No, the answer of course, was that he was a journalist with The Korea Times.

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Drunk, Violent, Sexually Immoral Foreigners Get Own Reality Show

'Drunkeness', 'violence', 'sexual immorality' – just some of the terms people often associate with foreigners and which regularly appear in the media when foreigners are discussed. Now, only weeks after MBC aired "The Shocking Reality About Relationships With Foreigners", drunk, violent, sexually immoral foreigners have been given their own reality show featuring their outrageous behavior.

The show, 'K-Town', has already premiered on the Internet and as the series progresses viewers are promised that there will be extensive drinking, fighting, swearing, shirtless men, and almost naked women in their underwear. There will be women with tattoos, simulated sex acts, exotic dancers, and women French kissing other women.

Typically, the foreigners show no real interest in the Korean education system, and mainly talk about sex. Openly discussing her sexual selection criteria, one foreign woman told the show "If it fits in my mouth, then it's too small."

In future episodes the show will also feature single moms who are "just getting started" when other foreigners are leaving the clubs at 2am, and attempts will be made to break the record for the most use of the F-word in a minute. The foreigners will even speak a very small amount of Korean and make bad jokes about Korean names.

It has likened to 'Jersey Shore' and described as the most anticipated reality show of all time, featuring drunk, violent, sexually immoral foreigners living in K-Town – or 'Koreatown' - on the West Coast of America, which once again highlights the problems of foreigners living in Korean areas.

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Boryeong Mud Festival Begins

Over the last twenty years, many towns and cities in Korea have rushed to market themselves based on some unique aspect of their local culture or produce. But for the city of Boryeong, whose slogan prior to 1996 was "Boryeong", officials struggled with the reality that their town – which lies outside Seoul – had no unique selling points, or indeed selling points of any kind.

But when a chance comment was made at a local meeting that all the people of the city had "was the dirt beneath our feet", a radical idea was formed – Boryeong would become famous for its mud. A range of cosmetics was produced using mud from Boryeong's mud flats, and scientists were found who were willing to support the idea that the local dirt had "far-infrared factors good for the human body". They also discovered the mud was high in Germanium – a lustrous, hard, grayish-white mettalloid which does not present a human health hazard when used as a nutritional supplement as the U.S. Food and Drug Administration claim, and is not irritating to the eyes, skin, lungs and throat.

While it has long been known that Korean earth is superior to the dirt of other countries, which is why Korea does not suffer from earthquakes like those in Japan, local officials still thought that Broyeong's mud needed to be promoted further in order to encourage the sale of its mud products and ensure that when people thought of dirt, they thought of Boryeong.

So in the summer of 1998 residents spent time transporting the dirt from the Boryeong mud flats to nearby Daecheon Beach – a shell-powdered sandy beach unique to the area and designated as a place of great scenic beauty - and once it was dumped there they spent a weekend throwing mud at each other, partly as a publicity stunt and partly just to get out of Boryeong for a couple of days.

From these small beginnings the Boryeong Mud Festival was born, and it quickly grew in popularity by attracting dirty and smelly foreigners living in Korea who can spend a day wallowing in their native environment. While organizers are careful to show that participants are mainly non-Koreans in their publicity materials, some domestic residents have been known to take part under the influence of their foreign friends. Because of the growing number of foreigners in Korea the Festival has had to expand to cover a period of eleven days.

In 2009, 230 children suffered skin inflammations at the festival but officials insisted the mud was perfectly safe and it may have been a reaction to exposure to foreigners.

The therapeutic value of throwing mud at each other is now well known, with many visitors saying that while they enjoy throwing mud at each other virtually on the Internet during the rest of the year, there is no substitute for spending a day doing it for real in Boryeong.

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Setback for Koliban as Judge Rules Women Can Meet Men Alone

In a setback for Korea's conservative Koliban, who believe that women should keep their physical distance from men they are not related to, an appeals court upheld a lower court ruling this week acquitting a man who visited a female colleague at home - without her husband's permission - of home invasion.

Judge Kim concluded that "the defendant visited his female colleague's home with her consent, which can hardly lead to the conclusion that he intended to commit adultery or other behavior not accepted in society."

While legal precedent has previously established that being male is not sufficient to prove intent to commit adultery because of the very small number of homosexuals in Korea, the real shock for social conservatives is the notion that the accused had not exhibited 'behavior not accepted in society', when groups like the Koliban believe that the very act of being alone with a woman is clearly not acceptable in society, and that the legal principle was therefore axiomatic on the basis of K-Logic.

The woman's husband – identified as 38 year-old 'Oh', had claimed that as the co-living rights owner in the residence he owned the right to all items of property within it, including his wife, and that by trespassing into his territory the accused man had broken his 'peaceful life'. However some legal experts have said that the case, which began in 2010, was flawed from the beginning because it was the woman who should have been prosecuted for immorality.

Last year, real men reacted with alarm when figures revealed that the so-called 'female consensual sex outbreak' was worsening, and some men have taken measures to try and protect their property. 45 year-old Kim in Mokpo says he has invented underwear which prevents extramarital affairs by changing color when it is removed. The subsequent loss of body heat causes the fabric's temperature to drop which triggers the color change. As items made with the special fabric never return to their original color, the wearer's partner can immediately see whether they are being cheated on.

While a patent has been applied for, it is difficult to prejudge whether the underwear can be registered because its content is often open to the public, and the underwear has some other drawbacks in terms of commercialization; the wearer could remove their underwear for a long time in a sauna or restroom, or it could change color if the wearer urinates outside, which is a common practice late in the evening. It is thought there may also be a design flaw – the inventor has admitted that when his wife wears underwear made with the special fabric, it changes color when he approaches her.

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Radical Eslamists Demand Korean Movie Theaters Switch to English
Ministry of Justice Warns Gay Infection May Spread Through TVs

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Stalking Seoul’s Sexy and Trashy Sluts

Citizens have been warned that photographers from The Korea Times are stalking sexy and trashy sluts on the streets of Seoul as the temperature gets higher and women's layers of clothes get tantalizingly thinner.

Two women were captured walking down a street in the Myeong-dong district of central Seoul wearing short pants by the newspaper. One of the women was even baring her shoulders despite the fact that she was obviously a mother carrying a small child and really should dress more modestly given her marital status.

"I think showing your body means confidence and there is nothing wrong with it" said 21 year-old Bang, who went on to bizarrely claim that what women wear should be entirely up to them.

It's almost a year since about 10 women started a "Slut Walk" protest in downtown Seoul, shocking residents with the argument that women should not be blamed for sexual assaults simply because of the way they dress or behave. But the protest failed to provide an alternative reason why women should be sexually assaulted, damaging the group's credibility.

Since the shocking appearance of a Korean singer wearing a miniskirt in the 1970s, showing skin has not been perceived as a sign of promiscuity in quite the same way it used to be, but many people who were young at the time now frown at the sight of slutish women in skimpy outfits, highlighting the importance of wearing the correct prescription spectacles.

But some people believe that wearing revealing clothing is a dangerous symbol of women's free will to choose, and many men have an ambivalent attitude towards women wearing such clothes - believing it isn't OK for their girlfriends because they don't like other guys looking at them, while also believing it's OK for women they don't know who are the girlfriends of other men.

Wider attitudes are equally mixed. The plastic surgery industry says that preventing women from wearing revealing clothing is an attack on their right to advertise. KASA - the Korean Association of Sex Attackers - also upholds a woman's right to wear what she wants for the same reason, but the conservative Koliban say women should wear hanboks to completely cover their skin, or even Dokdo's traditional 'dokbok', which also covers the head of the wearer.

Professor Nigro, who teaches 'Feminism and Witchcraft' at the University of Missouri - St. Louis, says that norms for appropriate outfits mostly set by male-dominated societies is a form of suppression towards women, and that this type of suppression is even more insidious than blatant sexism. The government argues that it is therefore a sign of Korea's increasingly socially progressive society that the Korean media is mostly blatantly sexist.

See through tops are in vogue this summer and media photographers are expected to be kept very busy. Trashy and slutish women who do not want to have their pictures taken by The Korea Times should avoid showing their legs. (Dokdo News)

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Japanese Embassy Ambushes Korean Truck Driver

Japan's Seoul Embassy Flag

In an increasing sign of Japanese militarism, the Japanese embassy ambushed a Korean truck driver yesterday in broad daylight on the streets of Seoul.

Tensions have been mounting between the increasingly belligerent Japanese and the kind and peaceful people of Korea, over a statue that was installed in front of the Japanese embassy in Seoul last December to enhance the cultural environment of the area. The beautiful and sensitive artwork commemorates the shocking plight of Korean women who were brutally forced into sexual slavery during Japan's colonial rape of Korea (~1910-1945). Incredibly the embassy denied it was involved in this exploitation of Korean women, claiming it was only built in 1976.

Last month, Japanese anger boiled over yet again and a 47 year-old Japanese man drove a wooden stake into the bronze statue with a message attached to it which read "Dokdo is Japanese territory", a ridiculous territorial claim in line with those by Japan's extreme rightists. Fortunately there are no extreme rightists in Korea, where everyone knows Dokdo is Korean territory. The Japanese extremist is now selling similar stakes on the Korean Internet.

The failure of Korea to declare war on Japan in response to the incident is believed to have emboldened the Japanese embassy to escalate Tokyo's campaign, leading to it sneaking up on the Korean truck and ramming it from behind. The helpless old man driving the truck, who sustained a serious scratch in the attack above his right eye, told police who had rushed to his aid "If I die, please cremate me and spread my ashes in the waters off Dokdo." However, doctors believe they can save him.

There is speculation that the unprovoked assault was the first act in a premeditated killing spree aimed the genocidal murder of as many Korean motorists as possible before declaring the nearby roads to be Japanese territory. After the first attack, police and military personnel disrupted the planned Japanese campaign, chasing the Japanese embassy through Seoul's congested streets, but it got away. It is now being hunted on charges of violating the Act on Punishment of Violence Acts etc., the Act on Driving Without Insurance, and the Act on Being Japanese in a Public Place Without a License. Officials say diplomatic immunity will not apply in the case because South Korea does not have particularly diplomatic relations with Japan.

Police have warned the public that the Japanese embassy should be considered dangerous and should not be approached. Coastal areas are now being watched in case it makes an attempt to swim back to the Japanese fatherland, but there are fears the embassy may never be caught. In August last year, the TechnoMart building in Seoul escaped, running a red light and alarming motorists, but it quickly became wedged in a narrow alleyway. The failure to capture the Japanese embassy quickly may mean it has now adopted a disguise, and police have asked Seoul residents to be on the lookout for any buildings acting suspiciously.

With its old embassy on the run, the Japanese government has already - shamelessly - requested permission to build a new and bigger embassy building to replace it, no doubt with the aim of causing more damage next time they launch an unprovoked attack on Seoul's fearful drivers.

Korean government officials believe the new building, which is planned to be more than three times larger in floor area than the old one - with six stories above ground and more made-up Japanese lies below it - is part of a plan by Japan's increasingly militarized government to control more of Seoul's airspace as a prelude to invasion by Japanese ground forces.

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[Opinion] Is Korea Too Culturally Full to Accommodate Other Cultures?

By Professor Kim (53), Department of Politics and Public Administration, Korea International University

Korean culture is sweeping the world because it has already filled Korea to bursting point. How can Korea accommodate other cultures?

We are living in an era of globalization and it is right, at first glance, that Korea should be open-minded about the deluge of foreigners flooding our country. It's not that Korea can not be a 'multicultural' society in principle, but what if there is just no room in the spa?

If a sauna is full, you wouldn't let more people in because it would be dangerous - especially if they had darker skins than Koreans that made them difficult to see in all that steam. So if Korea is like a spa - and our country is well-known around the world as the relaxing Land of the Morning Calm - why do we keep letting more foreigners in and creating problems for them? Perhaps we should recognize that we are being selfish and this is unfair to these temporary foreign 'guests'.

So while we have been conditioned to accept the vague term 'multicultural' as positive, it is well known from biology that different cultures often attack one another. So perhaps a better term for 'multiculturalism' would be multiethnic social conflict, and we should be asking if we want to create a multiethnic social conflict society?

One should look at the unfortunate experience of lesser nations around the world. Decades ago countries such as the United States, England, Germany and France brought in foreign workers and created multiethnic social conflict. Look at where these so-called nations are now - with nobody there racially identifying with their countries any more. Not even the French want to be French these days, although because they are French they will never admit it.

Even this foreign multiculturalism, whose fallout zone initially seems a safe distance from Korea, holds great dangers for our country, because instead of staying in their own countries people from around the world are spending all their time watching K-pop and dreaming of coming to Korea even though no group ever sang a song called "We love foreigners, please come to our country and take our future girlfriends and daughters."

'Multiculturalism' though is rightly fiercely attacked by netizens on the Internet, who have seen this great Korean invention gradually swamped by foreigners as the technology has been badly copied in other countries. Of course, it is unfortunate that some people should launch attacks on foreigners and we should not condone such 'race hate' if that's what it is. But is it really accurate to use the overly-aggressive terminology of 'race hate', or is it better to more accurately describe it as 'race awareness'?

Liberals would have us believe that there is is something intrinsically wrong with race awareness, but surely it is ridiculous for a person not to be aware of their race. What do these liberals suggest? That we stop looking at ourselves in mirrors?

It is not the fault of the Korean people that this country has become too culturally full, and we should not be ashamed of it - but instead proud of our cultural exceptionalism in the world. We should also be thankful though that so many other countries are culturally empty enough to accommodate the overflow of Korean culture or 'hallyu' as we make them call it. The hallyu process must be allowed to continue as planned but we must also protect ourselves from the cultural backwash of foreigners listening to K-pop, watching K-dramas and eating K-food and thinking that it means they can just come here uninvited, which is really quite rude of them.

Every day, helpless Korean men in the countryside are being forced into marrying foreign brides from poorer countries in Asia so that their money can be stolen and their hearts broken. Foreign workers are coming here and breaking into dirty and dangerous factories and doing jobs nobody asked them to do even though many owners try not to pay them. Meanwhile this country has to bother itself with so-called-human rights laws to protect these foreigners when clearly it is Korean people who need protecting from an invasion.

If foreigners and foreign cultures come to Korea even though they were never invited, what aspects of Korean culture will need to be thrown out into the street like trash to accommodate them? K-pop? Your children's respect for you? Your medical treatment? Your grandmother?

We have already seen the damage done by the English Wave in Korea and the terrible tsunami wave in Japan last year. Waves are dangerous, and a number of people in Korea have been killed by flooding in recent years. Of course, no-one is blaming these foreigners for the floods; but this current lack of evidence highlights the way in which the National Police Agency has found its investigative resources and ability to function stretched in recent years as the number of foreigners has multiplied.

It seems - given current trends - that the breakdown of law and order in Korea is inevitable unless the cancerous idea of a multicultural society is reasonably questioned. We need to be wise enough to implement a balanced foreign policy that minimizes social conflict by keeping these dangerous foreigners out.

Korea does not have to become a multicultural, multiethnic social conflict society, and the policy choices being made which move us closer to disaster by the day are not inevitable.

Disclaimer: The views presented in this column are the writer's own, and do not necessarily reflect those of The Dokdo Times, although they do because otherwise we wouldn't print them.

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Exceptionalism

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Gram of Pot Now as Cheap as a Gram of English

Number of Foreigners High

The recent arrest of an American native English teacher for allegedly distributing marijuana to a circle of other foreign criminals has revealed that shockingly a gram of pot is apparently now as inexpensive as a gram of English in Korea.

The 31 year-old male, identified only as 'J' because he can't remember the rest of his name, sold 90 grams of smuggled marijuana, charging 100,000 won ($87.90) to 150,000 won ($131.55) per gram to other foreigners, mostly at fifth column meetings. This compares to a typical national average hagwon fee of 350,000 won ($263.10) per month, but whereas Californian marijuana averages 15% purity, English lessons are generally 0.01% pure, with the remainder of the classes being filler material and bulking agents, meaning that a gram of usable English on the 'white market' is approximately also 100,000 won.

A police spokesman said that they had discovered enough pot to get 270 people high, and their investigation would continue once all his colleagues had recovered.

A school official interviewed by KBS said they were shocked by the revelation that one of their teachers – called 'M' - habitually took drugs supplied by 'J' - "He did a good job, I totally did not expect this." they told reporters.

Foreigners have argued in the past that taking drugs helps them make the cultural adjustment to teaching English in Korea, but the courts have ruled that while sexually assaulting students under the influence of alcohol is a mitigating circumstance, teaching them while under the influence of drugs should be subject to prison terms. Efforts to replace foreign teachers with robots have so far failed.

The case - which is far from isolated - highlights the continued problem of foreigners in Korea. In March another native English instructor working at a nationally well-known hagwon which maybe your children attend was arrested for smoking marijuana by prosecutors. The prosecutors noticed the crime in progress when they began to suddenly question why they were always persecuting people and generally being such 'downers'.

Evidence suggests booked drug users easily evade drug tests by submitting urine samples provided by one of the two native English teachers in Korea who do not take drugs. At least one of the teachers providing these samples is believed to be earning millions of won from the activity every week, but police can do nothing because selling urine is not illegal in Korea due to laws originally aimed at protecting the local beer industry.

Under South Korean law - which bans the use of drugs - marijuana users can be sentenced to a maximum of five years in jail or fined up to 50 million won ($43,850) - the same punishment as those found guilty of failing to drink until they vomit on a night out. Drug usage in Korea and the number of foreigners in Korea have both increased in recent years proving a clear link between the two problems.

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Undermanned US Military Attempts to Press-Gang Koreans

U.S. Forces Korea has unveiled an initiative to counter reductions in troop levels by abducting Korean civilians from city streets and forcing them into service on military bases.

The troop reductions, announced by President Obama in January as a series of 'redeployments' and a 'leaning of numbers', are said to be already compromising USFK's ability to defend themselves and South Korea in the event of an attack by the North.

The cutbacks have caused unease in Seoul because while South Korea has a large army of adequately trained conscripts they only have access to a small supply of inadequate but generally locally-made weapons. But a Pentagon source said that in the event of an attack by the North, South Korea will "probably be alright, as we weren't really ready last time either and that turned out OK in the end."

But now the U.S. army in Korea has decided to bolster its declining numbers by taking a page out of the British Royal Navy's book - forcibly drafting or 'press-ganging' Korean civilians into military service. However, the first group of Koreans to be captured and handcuffed on the streets of Pyeongtaek last week by seven American military policemen argued against being taken to the nearby Osan Airbase, on the grounds it was actually against the law. In South Korea it is illegal for the U.S. military to press-gang Korean civilians - only the Korean military are permitted to do this.

The American soldiers have protested their innocence, and it is not certain they will be charged; prevailing legal opinion - and increasingly precedent - in the United States is that American laws apply globally superseding those of 'non-exceptional' nations, and the practice of extraordinary rendition by the U.S. government - colloquially known as 'kidnapping' - is well established.

The protest has now put the initiative on hold and forced military chiefs to apologize until the legal position can be clarified.

The new abduction policy comes at a sensitive time for U.S. Forces Korea. Hostility towards American soldiers among Korean citizens is running even higher than normal at the moment as the 10-year-and-one-month anniversary of the girls killed by a U.S. armored vehicle approaches. Last week a U.S. military MH-53 helicopter was burned after an emergency landing in a Pohang rice paddy, and Americans continue to take drugs and teach in Korean kindergartens, angering parents who say it gives the teachers an unfair advantage in connecting with their children.

About 28,500 U.S. troops are stationed in South Korea as a legacy of the three-year Korean War that ended in 1953. Despite their long absence, Washington says it does plan to eventually bring them home.

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English teachers nabbed for selling, using pot
Made-in-Korea arms struggle with defects

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South Korea Joins War on Whales Following Military Pact

The Dokdo Times can exclusively reveal that the controversial military pact agreed between Japan and South Korea recently has been invoked for the first time at the request of Tokyo.

Local sources indicate that on Wednesday the Japanese government formally requested Seoul's assistance in its war on whales. Tokyo accuses the mammals of harassing its fishing fleets despite repeated warnings, and has fought a war of attrition against the sea creatures which may have begun as long ago as the 12th century, but which recently it seems to have been losing.

When Seoul signed the mutual defense treaty with Tokyo it was generally believed it was to counter threats from North Korea and China, but the rapidity with which Japan has requested help in defeating the whales suggests that once again it may have had an ulterior motive.

South Korean defense officials say that now the agreement has been signed they have little choice but to commit their forces to helping the Japanese in their war on whales, although to begin with this will mostly be limited to coastal waters and the area around the Korean territory of Dokdo. The move will mark a resumption of hostilities against the creatures, as in the past the people of the polluted industrial city of Ulsan fought against them until a peace treaty was signed in 1982.

A whales' spokesman, Dafydd Iwan, condemned South Korea’s intervention in the conflict, comparing Japan's current aquatic oppression with the oppression Japan inflicted on Koreans after their annexation of the Peninsula.

It is likely to prove an uncomfortable comparison to leaders in Seoul, who are already said to be deeply concerned by Japan's treatment of its prisoners in the war on whales - there are persistent and grotesque stories that contrary to the Fourth Geneva Convention some have been eaten or even used for sexual purposes, echoing Japanese atrocities committed against Koreans previously in wartime. Officially, Japan has already admitted it has conducted scientific experiments on captured whales - it is believed in the hope that certain types of whales might be used to help address the problem of low birthrates in the declining nation.

There are also fears that Japan's request for assistance could drag Korea into a deeper conflict; China claims the waters normally inhabited by the whales belong to it and the whales are therefore its citizens, which its military has the peaceful right to defend using force if necessary.

But the Ministry of Culture is hoping that once Korean whaling resumes it will help promote tourism. In an effort at rapprochement since 1982 the Ulsan Whale Festival had invited the mammals to participate in cultural activities including the "Dancing Whales Performance Parade", the "Drinking Whales Food and Drink Festival", the "Whale-Themed Open Air Drama", the "Whale Boat Race" and the "Whale Literary Feast", but attendance by the creatures has been poor and much like the Busan Motor Show organizers have often had to use plastic models during the event. A move back to something bloodier and less intellectual generally fits a cultural trend which has seen the popularity of K-pop explode both domestically and internationally in recent years.

The official peace between whales and Korea has also been a troubled one. Between 1999 and 2003, 800 whales launched suicide attacks against the Korean fishing fleet and their bodies reluctantly had to be eaten. As such, ironically, the whales losses have been higher than they were before the peace treaty came into effect, so much so that a whale meat factory and entire restaurants specializing in whale meat had to be opened to get rid of the evidence.

Now, with open war once again declared, participatory exhibitions in the polluted industrial city of Ulsan such as "Whales Are my Friend" can be dropped and instead children can once again be taught the Madangnori - a traditional cultural activity which demonstrates the art of whale slaughter culminating in the reluctant consumption of the popular whale meat delicacy. The government is already being pressed to expand the war to the whales' allies, the dolphins.

Ministry officials are said to be pleased at the international reaction the whaling plan has provoked, with people in a large number of countries now talking about Korean culture.

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