Koreans Advised to Masturbate to Prevent AIDS

It has long been believed that Koreans do not get AIDS – the Western Plague - partly because of the wellbeing properties of kimchi, and partly because Koreans are not promiscuous, except with bar girls, who don't count - because if they did they would have gone to university.

But government figures show that increasing multiculturalism in Korea since the 1980s is roughly correlated with a rise in cases of AIDS in Korea over the same period, which appears to prove the long-standing belief that foreigners are spreading AIDS in this country. It might not be deliberate, but the question now is what can be done to control the spread of AIDS without causing an international incident?

In a 2009 survey, 35% of Koreans said that people with HIV or AIDS should be segregated from society, possibly unaware that a trial colony had been set up in the Itaewon district of Seoul some years ago, although this ultimately proved unsuccessful because foreigners sometimes strayed from the district and so AIDS spread.

Some politicians had argued that people with AIDS should be sent to the deliberately isolated Sorok Island in South Jeolla province, home to one of the last leper colonies left on Earth – but hopes were dashed when South Jeolla authorities decided to build a bridge to the island as part of its Leper World Theme Park project. While the theme park remains uncompleted due to financial issues, the bridge was opened in 2007, and the island is no longer considered a safe quarantine zone.

Now, with government resources already fully stretched fighting another outbreak of the British mad cow disease and Western-style populism caused by excessive democracy, the nation can ill-afford to open up a battle on a new front with AIDS, leading many to believe that desperate measures are required. Rising to the challenge, December 1st sees the launch of a campaign in which Koreans are being advised to masturbate to prevent AIDS, under the slogan "Love Yourself - Stop AIDS".

While the campaign may be something of a shot in the dark, the Ministry of Health have high hopes that masturbation might be the answer to Korea's problems, although foreign critics say it hasn't helped so far. But the Ministry argue that this is the first time that the government will take a hands-on approach towards supporting masturbation in Korea, aside from the Dokdo International Masturbation Festival - which while only involving Koreans is primarily targeted at foreigners.

A number of conservative-leaning civic groups have quietly applauded the move, saying that aside from fighting AIDS, masturbation is the only way their male members can have sex with an equal in Korea.

If the project is successful, the Ministry of Unification says it may launch a 'Masturbate for Peace' campaign.

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Populist Plot to Bomb National Assembly Revealed

A plot by Korea's troublesome populists to bomb the National Assembly was revealed today when a populist National Assembly member exploded a bomb inside the chamber while it was in session. The effect of the bomb - which contained teargas - was so severe that lawmakers had to stop shouting, pushing each other and even fighting for several minutes.

The bomber - who is believed to be one of the few members of the National Assembly to have been well enough in his youth to undertake his national military service – said he was trying to prevent the passage of the Free Trade Agreement or FTA with the United States.

Initially, there was general support for the FTA as it was thought it would provide an opportunity for Korean goods to flood the American market, but sentiment towards the bill quickly soured when it was discovered that the deal the government had reached with officials from Washington was so bad that it would also allow American goods to enter the Korean market, diluting Korea's pure-blooded society and making it unsafe for women to go out at night.

Populist opposition politicians warned women that as well as being sexually harassed, the free trade agreement would cause them to get appendicitis and die. Meanwhile the free trade in diseases mandated by the FTA would see many meat-eaters die in outbreaks of mad-cow disease, and any survivors - including both Korea's registered vegetarians – would likely succumb to wounds suffered in vicious urban gun battles which the trade agreement is seeking to promote. Rural dwellers were promised they would also be completely 'wiped out' by the deal, probably through starvation.

The populists hoped that by tear-gas bombing the National Assembly they would win the vote by default, since they believed ruling GNP lawmakers would have to vacate the chamber while opposition lawmakers - who over the years have developed an immunity to the gas – would be able to vote the bill down. But it appears that with many GNP lawmakers fearing the stock market would fall heavily if the FTA wasn't passed, for the first time in their lives they bravely stayed at their posts, passing it by 151-7.

Police are said to be investigating the incident inside the National Assembly, as they are currently trying to replace existing stocks of tear gas with a new version that has fewer health hazards, and it is hoped that lawmakers may be willing to take surplus stocks off their hands. However, they may face competition from the army, which is also working to reduce its stocks of stun grenades.

The passage of the US-Korea FTA comes months after the passage of an EU-Korea FTA that the GNP promised would destroy the European Union once and for all after it sided with North Korea in the ongoing inter-Korean conflict. But while it seems the EU is destined to cease to exist by the end of the year, the US is showing no signs of breaking apart in the hours since the FTA with Korea was signed, leading to fears the Korean Wave may be weakening.

Related Links
Opposition lawmaker detonates tear gas bomb inside Assembly chamber to protest FTA
Police to replace tear gas with new version
Assembly ratifies US FTA as GNP rams through motion
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Unfounded anti-FTA rumors spread via SNS
EU Sides With North Korea in Ongoing Korean Conflict
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Kazakhstan Declared Korean Territory

Kazakh Koreans Delighted

Asked what is the boundary of South Korea's territory, most people would answer that it is Dokdo in the East, Ieodo in the South, and those islands whose names we can never remember below the 38th Parallel of the Korean Peninsula to the West.

But the state-run Korea National Oil Corporation (KNOC) has a different opinion - they say that without regard to the location of any specific soil or sea it is Korean territory if a state-run entity digs out natural resources like oil and gas for Korea there.

"This is our land where oil is produced for us. In a sense, we are expanding our national boundary", a KNOC official who has worked in the Korean territory of Kazakhstan for the past two and a half years said.

KNOC has been working hard in recent years to expand Korean territory in various places around the world, but bringing Kazakhstan under Korean control has long been sought after given its historical position as the now little-discussed fourth kingdom from Korea's Four Kingdoms period.

But while various occupations of Korea and the rise of the Soviet Union in the 20th Century cut off Korea's Lost Kingdom from the rest of their homeland, the Korean people in Kazakhstan have not forgotten their heritage despite the years of brutal repression they have suffered, with many of them still speaking in a dialect of Korean, called "Koryo mar" and they still refer to themselves as "Koryo saram." Goryeo - as it is now romanized - was an ancient Korean kingdom which under its previous name of Goguryeo spanned much of the known world at its peak, including territory now wrongly claimed by China, and of course, Kazakhstan.

In further evidence of the strong cultural bonds between Koreans and the Korean people of Kazakhstan, earlier this year - according to a report into the annual average per capita consumption of alcohol by country released by the World Health Organization – it was revealed that Koreans drink more alcohol than any of their Asian neighbors, with their fellow countrymen in Kazakhstan coming just after Korea in the list.

KNOC, which was criticized in September after an expensive drilling campaign in Kurdistan led to the discovery of huge reserves of sand hidden beneath the surface of the country - leaving Korea unable to claim sovereignty over it - said its discoveries in Kazakhstan vindicated its persistence, and that it will continue to expand Korea's national boundaries by claiming ownership of any territory it operates on.

While most of the Korean people of Kazakhstan have welcomed the country's unification with the fatherland, a few isolated and probably mentally unstable individuals in the territory have illogically called for the country to remain independent from Korea, even though it is Korean. But political leaders in Seoul have warned any unreasonable attempts to seize Korean territory - wherever it lies - will potentially be met with force.

Related Links
Oil exploration ups Korea’s profile
Kazakhstan becoming key to Korea's energy independence
State oil company plans large investment for Kazakhstan
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Koreans Biggest Drinkers in Asia
Korea National Oil Corporation
Kazakhstan
Goryeo
Goguryeo
My Goguryeo

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