Simulated Attack on Yeonpyeong Island a "Great Success"

The simulated attack on Yeonpyeong Island which took place last week has been described as a "great success" by government sources. The simulated attack was organized to commemorate the one-year anniversary of the real attack which was conducted by North Korean military forces, although the left-wing Hankyoreh newspaper - which investigated the incident as part of its "Yeongpyeong Island Mystery" series - ultimately concluded that "freak hailstones" were the most likely explanation.

During the simulated attack, fighter jets and attack helicopters flew low over the island, and traumatized residents were asked to imagine themselves fleeing for their lives as they had done in reality a year earlier, while the noise of explosions and screams were played over the island's public address system. The government said it may provide simulated trauma counselors to help residents get over any simulated relapses caused by post-traumatic stress disorder, or at least doctors pretending to be "more prudent and thoughtful".

South Korean artillery responded to the North Korean provocation, simulating a retaliation that once again devastated large areas of seawater off the South Korean coast. The military said that during the simulation none of its K9 artillery suffered simulated malfunctions, although several actual problems prevented most of the units from participating in the simulation.

But it has been revealed that the exercise was almost called off five minutes after it began, when an over-enthusiastic artillery officer launched a simulated counterattack against the simulated North Korean forces without waiting for the dummy government to first phone the North Koreans to ask if they had a simulated explanation for attacking. The queuing system employed by the North Korean regime's call center typically involves at least 20 minute waits, although a callback option is available.

While the simulated attack is now over, residents have been asked to continue the exercise by applying for simulated compensation payments to cover the simulated losses they suffered. The government say they hope to complete this phase of the exercise by 2017.

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Koreans Advised to Masturbate to Prevent AIDS

It has long been believed that Koreans do not get AIDS – the Western Plague - partly because of the wellbeing properties of kimchi, and partly because Koreans are not promiscuous, except with bar girls, who don't count - because if they did they would have gone to university.

But government figures show that increasing multiculturalism in Korea since the 1980s is roughly correlated with a rise in cases of AIDS in Korea over the same period, which appears to prove the long-standing belief that foreigners are spreading AIDS in this country. It might not be deliberate, but the question now is what can be done to control the spread of AIDS without causing an international incident?

In a 2009 survey, 35% of Koreans said that people with HIV or AIDS should be segregated from society, possibly unaware that a trial colony had been set up in the Itaewon district of Seoul some years ago, although this ultimately proved unsuccessful because foreigners sometimes strayed from the district and so AIDS spread.

Some politicians had argued that people with AIDS should be sent to the deliberately isolated Sorok Island in South Jeolla province, home to one of the last leper colonies left on Earth – but hopes were dashed when South Jeolla authorities decided to build a bridge to the island as part of its Leper World Theme Park project. While the theme park remains uncompleted due to financial issues, the bridge was opened in 2007, and the island is no longer considered a safe quarantine zone.

Now, with government resources already fully stretched fighting another outbreak of the British mad cow disease and Western-style populism caused by excessive democracy, the nation can ill-afford to open up a battle on a new front with AIDS, leading many to believe that desperate measures are required. Rising to the challenge, December 1st sees the launch of a campaign in which Koreans are being advised to masturbate to prevent AIDS, under the slogan "Love Yourself - Stop AIDS".

While the campaign may be something of a shot in the dark, the Ministry of Health have high hopes that masturbation might be the answer to Korea's problems, although foreign critics say it hasn't helped so far. But the Ministry argue that this is the first time that the government will take a hands-on approach towards supporting masturbation in Korea, aside from the Dokdo International Masturbation Festival - which while only involving Koreans is primarily targeted at foreigners.

A number of conservative-leaning civic groups have quietly applauded the move, saying that aside from fighting AIDS, masturbation is the only way their male members can have sex with an equal in Korea.

If the project is successful, the Ministry of Unification says it may launch a 'Masturbate for Peace' campaign.

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Populist Plot to Bomb National Assembly Revealed

A plot by Korea's troublesome populists to bomb the National Assembly was revealed today when a populist National Assembly member exploded a bomb inside the chamber while it was in session. The effect of the bomb - which contained teargas - was so severe that lawmakers had to stop shouting, pushing each other and even fighting for several minutes.

The bomber - who is believed to be one of the few members of the National Assembly to have been well enough in his youth to undertake his national military service – said he was trying to prevent the passage of the Free Trade Agreement or FTA with the United States.

Initially, there was general support for the FTA as it was thought it would provide an opportunity for Korean goods to flood the American market, but sentiment towards the bill quickly soured when it was discovered that the deal the government had reached with officials from Washington was so bad that it would also allow American goods to enter the Korean market, diluting Korea's pure-blooded society and making it unsafe for women to go out at night.

Populist opposition politicians warned women that as well as being sexually harassed, the free trade agreement would cause them to get appendicitis and die. Meanwhile the free trade in diseases mandated by the FTA would see many meat-eaters die in outbreaks of mad-cow disease, and any survivors - including both Korea's registered vegetarians – would likely succumb to wounds suffered in vicious urban gun battles which the trade agreement is seeking to promote. Rural dwellers were promised they would also be completely 'wiped out' by the deal, probably through starvation.

The populists hoped that by tear-gas bombing the National Assembly they would win the vote by default, since they believed ruling GNP lawmakers would have to vacate the chamber while opposition lawmakers - who over the years have developed an immunity to the gas – would be able to vote the bill down. But it appears that with many GNP lawmakers fearing the stock market would fall heavily if the FTA wasn't passed, for the first time in their lives they bravely stayed at their posts, passing it by 151-7.

Police are said to be investigating the incident inside the National Assembly, as they are currently trying to replace existing stocks of tear gas with a new version that has fewer health hazards, and it is hoped that lawmakers may be willing to take surplus stocks off their hands. However, they may face competition from the army, which is also working to reduce its stocks of stun grenades.

The passage of the US-Korea FTA comes months after the passage of an EU-Korea FTA that the GNP promised would destroy the European Union once and for all after it sided with North Korea in the ongoing inter-Korean conflict. But while it seems the EU is destined to cease to exist by the end of the year, the US is showing no signs of breaking apart in the hours since the FTA with Korea was signed, leading to fears the Korean Wave may be weakening.

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Kazakhstan Declared Korean Territory

Kazakh Koreans Delighted

Asked what is the boundary of South Korea's territory, most people would answer that it is Dokdo in the East, Ieodo in the South, and those islands whose names we can never remember below the 38th Parallel of the Korean Peninsula to the West.

But the state-run Korea National Oil Corporation (KNOC) has a different opinion - they say that without regard to the location of any specific soil or sea it is Korean territory if a state-run entity digs out natural resources like oil and gas for Korea there.

"This is our land where oil is produced for us. In a sense, we are expanding our national boundary", a KNOC official who has worked in the Korean territory of Kazakhstan for the past two and a half years said.

KNOC has been working hard in recent years to expand Korean territory in various places around the world, but bringing Kazakhstan under Korean control has long been sought after given its historical position as the now little-discussed fourth kingdom from Korea's Four Kingdoms period.

But while various occupations of Korea and the rise of the Soviet Union in the 20th Century cut off Korea's Lost Kingdom from the rest of their homeland, the Korean people in Kazakhstan have not forgotten their heritage despite the years of brutal repression they have suffered, with many of them still speaking in a dialect of Korean, called "Koryo mar" and they still refer to themselves as "Koryo saram." Goryeo - as it is now romanized - was an ancient Korean kingdom which under its previous name of Goguryeo spanned much of the known world at its peak, including territory now wrongly claimed by China, and of course, Kazakhstan.

In further evidence of the strong cultural bonds between Koreans and the Korean people of Kazakhstan, earlier this year - according to a report into the annual average per capita consumption of alcohol by country released by the World Health Organization – it was revealed that Koreans drink more alcohol than any of their Asian neighbors, with their fellow countrymen in Kazakhstan coming just after Korea in the list.

KNOC, which was criticized in September after an expensive drilling campaign in Kurdistan led to the discovery of huge reserves of sand hidden beneath the surface of the country - leaving Korea unable to claim sovereignty over it - said its discoveries in Kazakhstan vindicated its persistence, and that it will continue to expand Korea's national boundaries by claiming ownership of any territory it operates on.

While most of the Korean people of Kazakhstan have welcomed the country's unification with the fatherland, a few isolated and probably mentally unstable individuals in the territory have illogically called for the country to remain independent from Korea, even though it is Korean. But political leaders in Seoul have warned any unreasonable attempts to seize Korean territory - wherever it lies - will potentially be met with force.

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Koreans' TOEFL Ranking Drops, But Moves Ahead of English Teachers

Figures have revealed that despite a zeal for putting more hours and money into their English language education than their neighbors, Korea's average TOEFL ranking fell from 71st in 2009 to 80th last year when compared against other countries. The TOEFL - or Test of English as a Foreign Language - is the central focus of English teaching in Korea and is used to restrict entry to universities as well as a variety of professions including advertising, construction and the teaching of French.

But in a sign that Korea is making progress in its quest for English proficiency, native-English teachers who took the TOEFL test in 2009 and 2010 as part of a government research program achieved lower scores than their Korean students for the first time. The result has been hailed as proof that Korea no longer needs to tolerate foreigners inconveniencing everyone in Korea, and can instead recruit English teachers domestically by attracting Korean nationals with average TOEFL scores to the profession.

Speaking in English, a spokesperson for the Korean Teacher English Teacher Union said that "Once Korean were student but now we are master become." But a spokesman for AKET - the Association in Korea of English Teachers - fired back at the KTETU statement in a press release "Native english speakers are obviosly better qualifide to teach english and stuff and the korean government should bare in mind that they are only damaging students learning-and-education and not helping students learn proper because spoken and written english best teached by profesional's who use english as a first and only language not confuzed by speaking too things at once."

Some experts have pointed to the fact that Korea's ranking fell while scores remained the same, simply because of improvements in the average scores of other countries which have nothing to do with Korea. As such, the nation's determination to spend more money to maintain its previous year's accomplishment has been justified.

The government has said it will eventually solve the TOEFL ranking problem by introducing a domestic replacement to the test with an assessment and scoring system that will not be directly comparable to the international standard. Because the National English Ability Test (NEAT) will not be recognized by international universities, this will also solve the 'brain drain' issue of Korean students going overseas to study, and then forgetting to come back to Korea afterwards.

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Wave of Spousal Disappearances Feared as F6 Visas Introduced

Police are bracing for a wave of spousal disappearances after the government pressed ahead with its plans to introduce a new F-6 visa for foreigners who live in South Korea after marrying South Koreans.

Under a revision to the immigrant foreign criminal control law, the so-called "marriage immigrants" will be given an exclusive F-6 visa, which will allow them to "legally stay in the country even if their marital life ends due to unexpected events such as their Korean spouses' death or disappearance." The law was originally proposed earlier this year, but was held up as legal experts debated the wording of the new law, and whether - given the conditions many foreign immigrants claim they live under - the death or disappearance of a Korean spouse could be termed "unexpected".

The criminal nature of some of these foreigners often causes trouble for the government in effectively handling the steady inflow of these immigrants, according to the Korean Justice Ministry. A ministry spokesman said that the introduction of the new visa would "help the marriage immigrants better adapt themselves to Korean society." Koreans already have the right to have their spouses disappear.

Foreigners lucky enough to be chosen by Koreans for marriage currently receive F-2 residency permits, but they have no right to remain post-divorce, which means that once they have been used up the empty shells are returned to their countries of origin, which has sparked complaints from foreign governments concerned at the increasing strain this has placed on their mental health services. The new F-6 visa will shift some of that burden back to Korea, but the government say that while this will create extra costs, it will also help to promote medical tourism in this country.

The new visa law also allows foreigners to officially buy an F-2 visa for the first time, but it has been met with criticism as the $500,000 cost is much more than the gift to immigration officials used to be, which the new system replaces. However, the ministry has pointed out that an alternate purchase option allows foreign 'investors' a special introductory rate of $300,000 if they hire at least three Koreans - but no foreigners of course - for three years. Given an hourly minimum wage of 4,580 won ($4) this would mean a cost of $10,000 per worker per year, based on a 40-hour work week, giving a total of $390,000 over three years, saving $110,000. In reality, the ministry also accepts that foreigners may adopt the Korean employment practice of requiring employees work 80-hour weeks for half the minimum wage, which will not change the final cost, although foreigners will not be permitted to run prostitution-related businesses. The Vietnamese Embassy has already lodged a protest.

The $500,000 cost of a non-marriage residency visa makes South Korea one of the more expensive OECD nations to buy a place in, but the government is unapologetic, citing its long-standing policy of keeping out foreigners from what are officially classed as 'poor and dirty countries', which has seen only 223 asylum seekers granted entry in the last 20 years. However, the Korean Justice Ministry points out that of the thousands of asylum seekers who have been returned to their regimes, none say they have lived to regret it.

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Tokyo Teachers' Union Denies Japan's Claim to Dokdo

View over Dokdo City

The Tokyo Prefecture Teachers' Union, which represents a massive 20% of public school teachers in the Japanese capital, have finally smashed the wall of Japanese lies and propaganda over the Korean territory of Dokdo, islands in the East Sea which have been Korean for over 5,000 years.

While the Japanese media have pushed ridiculous and historically factually unprovable Japanese claims to the islands, the teachers' union have struck a blow for truth and invalidated Japan's national unity over the issue by clearly stating that Dokdo is not Japanese territory. "If schools teach the government's unilateral opinion that Takeshima is Japanese territory illegally occupied by Korea, it could instill students with emotional nationalism." the union said, referring to Dokdo by its incorrect Japanese name for convenience.

The union have also said that there are no historical grounds for Japan to claim Dokdo, and no historical evidence, stating that "If schools teach the government's unilateral opinion that Takeshima is Japanese territory illegally occupied by Korea, it could instill students with emotional nationalism."

Furthermore, the union says that Japan should apologize to Korea for claiming the territory, and make financial reparations to Korea for the security costs of protecting Dokdo, stating "If schools teach the government's unilateral opinion that Takeshima is Japanese territory illegally occupied by Korea, it could instill students with emotional nationalism."

The union also took the opportunity to renounce Tokyo's claims to the Korean island of Daemado, which is occupied by Japanese military forces and is wrongly called "Tsushima", which means Daemado in Japanese, stating on the subject that "If schools teach the government's unilateral opinion that Takeshima is Japanese territory illegally occupied by Korea, it could instill students with emotional nationalism."

The union says it will campaign against lies in the media, it will no longer tolerate the teaching of mindless propaganda, and it will now correctly inform students that Dokdo is Korean territory, and that Japan is full of lying liars who need to surrender to Korea to avoid conflict, commenting that in future "When we teach this part, we will objectively teach students that Korea and Japan have differing views over Takeshima." adding, "We hope to contribute to efforts to find a peaceful resolution."

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