|Gangnam and Korean Heaven|
The Diaries, which were recently rediscovered in the attic of a pub in the English town of Shipley near Bradford after going missing for 2,000 years, have now been collated into the Holy Book of Dangun and appear to predict that the founder of the Korean religion would return to Earth on the 21st May 2011. True pure-blooded Koreans would then be swept up, or "raptured", to Korean Heaven, where there are no migrant workers, the Korean soccer team always wins the World Cup as promised, and Dokdo really is Korean territory, after all.
According to a researcher at the University of Leeds who deciphered the ancient texts, which were written in a mixture of primitive Chinese characters and Gojoseon symbols whose meaning has been lost, the Korean Rapture was scheduled to begin at 6pm Korean time with a giant earthquake in Busan at a location now occupied by the Gori-1 nuclear reactor. The Korean Wave of destruction was then to have swept the world as each time-zone reached early evening. By October 21st, the Book of Dangun appeared to indicate all non-pure-blooded Koreans - and certainly all foreigners - would be dead.
It has long been believed that the second-coming of Dangun would occur in the Gangnam district of Seoul, which is where the first Koreans would ascend to Korean Heaven, followed by lesser Koreans from the remaining districts in Seoul, other Korean cities, and finally and most controversially unless Dangun could be dissuaded, overseas Koreans known as 'gyopos'.
As the date of the Korean Rapture approached, many Koreans had been preparing for it by staring at photos of Dokdo, but pure-blooded Koreans were perplexed when Saturday passed without incident. "I do not understand why... I do not understand why nothing has happened." said 40 year-old Kim who says he moved to Gangnam last year specifically to demonstrate his faith, and experience Rapture and the ascent to Korean Heaven before those less worthy than him.
Disbelieving native-English teachers, who would not be welcome in Korean Heaven, gathered in the Itaewon district of the capital at 6pm, and greeted the passing of the deadline by playing loud disco music and releasing helium-filled Korean sex dolls into the heavens. Police say they are looking into how old the dolls were and whether any of the teachers had sex with them first.
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