Dokdo Plans International Airport

Dokdo Council Members have voted to go ahead with plans to build an international airport on the rocky islands. Local mayor, 62-year-old Kim, explained that the current helipad and docking facilities were inadequate for the island’s burgeoning population of almost 2,600 people. However, the plan was not without controversy, since it calls for the removal of two trees – the presence of trees is required under international law for the islets to be recognized as natural islands rather than reefs.

Kim hopes the trees will be replanted quickly elsewhere so that Dokdo isn’t downgraded to a reef, as the administrative burden of changing all the signs on the islands will be considerable. However, even if this problem is overcome, another exists in designating the airport as an ‘International’ one. Local authorities had hoped to launch the newly-created ‘Dokdo Air’ airline with the purchase of a surplus two-seat Harrier Jump Jet trainer, which would then take passengers to and from the nearby Japanese island of Tsushima, but this has been complicated by continued Korean territorial claims to Tsushima which are properly called Daemado in Korea. “As Daemado is clearly meant to be Korean territory” added Mayor Kim, “calling our airport ‘International’ might be seen to support Japan’s illegitimate and historically inaccurate claims to the island.”

Construction work on the airport is expected to commence in March next year, and is not expected to be completed for several hours.

Police Finally Close Down Sex Sites After Gay Solicitations

Online sex brokering sites on Daum and Naver’s ‘café’ community forums which aimed to match up younger men with older women, have finally been closed down by the National Police Agency after they noticed that some of the men had received offers “from gays”.

Officer Kim, the 57-year-old head of the Office of Sexual Affairs, explained at a press conference that while prostitution is illegal in Korea it is widely ignored by law enforcement agencies since prosecuting groups they were customers of would raise conflict of interest issues. “It is normal for older men to seek to have sexual relations with teenage girls in cyberspace, but these cafés cater to the sexual desires of older women, and that really isn’t right.” he said. He admitted that despite the rather disgusting idea of older women buying sex from teenage boys, the police had been slow to investigate these online cafés, but they had to move quickly to shut them down once it became known that ‘gays’ might be buying sex because of the dangers of their deviancy spreading.

No firm figures exist on the number of gays in Korea because until a few years ago there were no gay Koreans. However, exposure to foreigners and the mixing of weaker foreign genes with Korean DNA is believed to be corrupting Korea’s previously pure-blooded society. Some experts have also claimed that imported beef from the United States may be altering Korean DNA causing people to become perverted and possibly commit crimes.

Last year, a survey conducted by the OECD revealed that 71% of Koreans said they had paid for sex at least once in their lives, although the figures may have been skewed by the large number of men who believed that their obligation to fund their wives’ designer shopping habits constituted a form of prostitution.

Police say they intend to visit members of the online café sites to check whether any sex took place, although they admit it’s likely that sheets and clothing have been washed by now.

Related Links
Young men busted for selling sex online to women

Korean Pastor Executed By North for Being Christian

A South Korean pastor, who accepted an invitation to travel to the North on an alleged peace trip which he hoped would bolster the congregation and economic earnings of his church, has been executed by the Marxist regime. Kim, a 40-year-old member of his congregation in Seoul, said she was shocked by the development: “How can they defy God by martyring one of his strongest followers?” she wailed.

However, 54-year-old Kim, a professor of North Korean Studies and South Korean Non-Censorship, said that the pastor may have misunderstood the nature of society in the North, “In a communist system the leader of the regime is the absolute ruler – saying that there’s a higher power – God in this case – tends to undermine their authoritarian rule, so often Christians and other religious followers are imprisoned or executed.” In fact North Korea does have a history of imprisoning, torturing and executing religious followers. Despite this, many Christians in the South support reunification and are generally sympathetic to the North, despite the North’s intention to send them all to labor camps should they ever invade the South.

It’s not clear if the Pastor Kim had been hoping to convert the Kim Jong-Il, who has been nearly dead for almost three years now, and might be having second thoughts about the prospect of eternal nothingness. But it’s unlikely that a deathbed conversion would take place says Professor Kim: “The Northern regime has spent decades portraying Kim Jong-Il as the North’s living god, so it’s unlikely that he’d be able to say that actually, after all, there's a greater god out there.”

Before his execution, Pastor Kim toured state factories and met with important officials in the regime, praising the North and criticizing his persecution in the South. His church has sent two junior members to the North to escort the body back home.

Related Links
S.Korean Pastor Faces Arrest on Return from North

Kim Yu-na Now Recognized as Social Virus

Social virus spreads

Earlier this year, 19-year-old Kim Yu-na stunned Korean crowds with daunting displays of ice-skating in small circles and pretend-gun finger-pointing evoking a James Bond theme – if 007 had been a small Asian woman able to dispatch his enemies with a mere hand signal. Her gold medal at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver provided an ideal outlet for the Korean people who struggled to win gold in other disciplines due to cheating. Corporate Korea jumped on her sudden fame, using her to sell everything from cars to tampons, and cars that looked like tampons.

However, after the Olympics ended the noise surrounding Kim Yu-na failed to dissipate, with media organizations continuing to track everything from her physical to bowel movements. “I have to know when she takes a shit” said 34-year-old Kim in Seoul, who didn’t give his first name. “People just can’t stop talking about her, I want to be just like her, she’s so cool” added 36-year-old Kim in Seoul.

The continued chatter, which is distracting Korean citizens away from the recent sinking of a navy ship by the North and other military provocations, has clogged media organizations, Internet message boards, and conversations around the office water cooler. Now experts are warning that far from being a harmless pastime, discussions of Kim Yu-na may actually represent a new form of Internet virus, possibly created by North Korea, which has spread from the Internet into wider society. “The economic and political damage caused by the Kim Yu-na virus is considerable”, said 42-year-old Kim, an employee of the Ministry of Public Manipulation and Insecurity, speaking on condition of anonymity.

AhnLabs, Korea’s national anti-virus provider, has admitted it might be difficult to prevent the spread of the virus, because it contains a strong element of social engineering. “People feel compelled to keep talking about her because it’s what they do online - even when they’re not connected to the Internet once or twice a week, they physically can’t stop, which is how we know this is one of the first viruses to make the jump from the real-world to the offline one.” said a spokesman.

While AhnLabs has so far failed to offer a solution to the Kim Yu-na virus, some enterprising Korean citizens have taken matters into their own hands, and created their own solutions. Seoul street vendor, 54-year-old Kim, started selling large band-aids last week which people could place over their mouths. “Sales have been brisk” he said, although he admitted that the device won’t stop the virus spreading over the Internet - “I’m working on something which will go around fingers though, which should help.”

Seoul university student, 20-year-old Kim, seemed to sum-up the extent of the problem when we asked her about the Cheonan attack earlier this year: “What, a warship was sunk? Why didn’t I hear about that? Was Kim Yu-na on it?”

Related Links
Wikipedia: Kim Yu-na

Welcome to The Dokdo Times English Edition

View over Dokdo City

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