Rabies Outbreak Worsens Near Seoul

The rabies outbreak confirmed near Seoul last week - the first in almost 40 days - appears to be worsening, prompting the government to issue a warning against the highly-contagious disease spreading.

The Ministry of Food, Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries (MIFAFF) were alerted to the outbreak after a large number of netizens - Koreans on the Internet - attacked the election of Korea's first non-pure-blooded member of parliament. Jasmine Lee, a supposedly Korean citizen who is in reality originally from the Philippines, was not directly elected by Koreans - which of course would be impossible - but was rather undemocratically chosen as a lawmaker under the proportional representation system by the ruling party.

Foaming at the mouth, one poster wrote "Following the immigrant wife Lee's entry to the Assembly, we can well predict the rise of unregistered foreigners and foreign women marrying in return for money. We'll see the truth of multiculturalism that exploits Koreans." Another added "Korea is a paradise for foreigners. Korea gives foreigners benefits which it doesn't even give to its nationals. Come to Korea, you can become lawmakers." before falling down in a spasm.

Many believe Jasmine Lee is part of a wider conspiracy against the Korean people, which is plotting to attack Korean ideas by trying to offer alternatives. It has long been suspected these conspiratorial foreigners are part of what has been dubbed a 'fifth-column movement', but alarmingly the National Intelligence Service appears to have no information on the first four columns or whether there are more than five.

A recent government survey of 2,500 people showed that only 36 percent of Koreans supported the coexistence of diverse races, religions and culture in Korea – less that half of the average of 74 percent among 18 European countries. While this is a good start, it raises the question of who these 36 percent are? Are they simply misguided, or are they an active part of the widening conspiracy in Korean society?

86.5 percent of those surveyed rightly identified that to really be Korean, you must have Korean ancestors, not deceptively take Korean citizenship to become a fake Korean. But that meant 13.5 percent of Koreans thought Korean blood or 'minjok' - the importance of which is taught in schools - was not important. Why are these people conspiring against the rest of us, why are they betraying their own blood, and how did they pass their exams?

One poster offered a potential solution to the foreigner problem, saying multicultural families should be killed because they "make the Korean gene rot."

The rabies outbreak has sparked a debate on whether foreigners should be allowed to stay in Korea if they are not killed, and enjoy the same rights as Koreans even if they try to infiltrate Korean society like spies by becoming citizens, with many people pointing out that if foreigners weren't here, there would have been no rabies outbreak to begin with. The argument seems to offer logical proof that foreigners are actually responsible for the rabies outbreak, and as such it may even be Korea's first confirmed case of bioterrorism. According to the MIFAFF people should not touch stray foreigners and if they do they should immediately visit a hospital.

The rabies outbreak is probably an inevitable result of the rise of multiculturalism. Everyone - apart from apparently these foreigners - knows from basic science classes how easily microorganisms or even colonies of bacteria can grow from a culture. So it can not be any surprise that the existence of multiple cultures massively increases the potential for diseases to spread outside the colonies foreigners create in places like Itaewon.

But there are voices speaking out in favor of Korea defending itself against the diseases of multiculturalism. Anders Breivik, who shot dead 69 people - mostly teenagers - in Norway July 22nd last year, said during his trial this week that his aim is to achieve a "monoculture" modeled on South Korea. These "role models" he said "are scientifically advanced, economically progressive" societies, "which will not accept multiculturalism or Cultural Marxist principles." But the Korean government denied Breivik's claim, saying that he had simply misunderstood Korean multiculturalism, which welcomes any foreigners - apart from those from economically poor countries, Southeast Asia, Central Asia, China, Japan, England and black people - who are prepared to come to Korea to live like Koreans and agree with everything we say.

However, Korean citizens - real ones rather than the fake ones who have converted and just pretend to be - were not convinced. "Unlike the United States or China, Korea has been a racially homogeneous country. I don't know why we need multiculturalism. I don't understand why the country accepts immigrants in this small country and make them threaten our livelihood" wrote one pure-blooded citizen, voicing the private thoughts of many. Some citizens did take issue with his stance however, saying that Korea was not a "small country".

As the conspiracy spreads near Seoul, sources close to the government promised to listen to netizens' voices and take into account their views since most foreigners can't vote.

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Who Spies on the Spy Schools?

While South Korea continues to be rocked by a surveillance scandal that threatens to bring down the President, or at least make him a little less happy, the government continues to press ahead with its 'Civic Monitoring Program' which offers cash rewards to people who spy on their families and neighbors in order to catch them in the act of committing crimes and sense offenses such as failing to properly separate their recyclables.

"People who fail to place the correct items into the correct recycling bags are defying the government's social policies and probably harbor socialist views including sympathies to North Korea." said a 42 year-old spokesman for the Ministry of Public Manipulation and Insecurity, who refused to be named.

Under the Civic Monitoring Program, so-called 'citizen informers' can report people in 971 areas including trash management, traffic violations, tweeting about voting on voting day, posting political messages online, not using an umbrella in the rain, obtaining tax waivers, drawing rats, prostitution, riding a motorcycle on the road instead of the sidewalk, dropping cigarette butts and selling non-Korean beef, for which informants can earn up to 2 million won ($1,760).

Some of the most successful of the 971 areas citizen informants can monitor are Civic Violations 181-208 - Private Learning Institutes, which are known as hagwon in Korean and under a variety of similar names by the foreign native English teachers who perform educational entertainment functions there. The most popular are Civic Violation 184 - Holding Classes Outside Permissible Times, Civic Violation 189 - Foreigners With Facial Hair, Civic Violation 199 - Attempting to Teach Using Unauthorized Materials, Civic Violation 200 - Attempting to Teach, and Civic Violation 208 - Overcharging Students. According to the Ministry of Education, Science and Technology, since the citizen spying program began, about 3.4 billion won ($3 million) has been awarded to informants for hagwon-related offences alone.

Recognizing that it can be especially hard to report a loved-one to the authorities, the Ministry of Public Manipulation and Insecurity offers additional rewards to citizens who inform on their wives. A Ministry official said it was too early to say whether more civic and sense offenders were being captured this way, but if it ultimately proved to be the case they would investigate the possibility of extending the additional cash payment program to women at some point in the future.

The success of the spying program has even encouraged some upright citizens to develop spying on other citizens into a career, with citizen spying institutes, who offer special training courses in the use of surveillance techniques, and lessons on how to spot civic offenders from their body language. But there have been complaints that some of these institutes, which sell covert surveillance equipment, have been charging up to four times their normal price for the spy gadgets.

However, while overcharging hagwon students is a recognized civil violation, overcharging spying institute students isn't, so the government says it can take no action to stop this, and it doesn't wish to expand the number of official civic violations beyond the current 971 as "there is a danger of creating a surveillance state if citizen spying is expanded beyond a handful of areas."

The Fair Trade Commission also issued a warning Monday about Korea's growing number of citizen spy schools. "There are only a few people who make large amounts of money by reporting infractions to the authorities. People should not be deceived by their advertisements."

Do you know anyone you suspect of being an civic offender? Have you ever been offended by anyone? Has a foreigner ever offended you? If so, the Ministry of Public Manipulation and Insecurity would like to hear from you at http://www.mopas.go.kr or simply by picking up your telephone and speaking into it. Remember citizen, report them before they report you.

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Anti-English Spectrum Rejects Foreign Members

Chanty wrassler?

The Anti-English Spectrum won a legal battle yesterday to reject foreigners born in the British region of Scotland from becoming members.

Scots in Korea had argued that they were as Anti-English as the group's Korean members - if not more so - but the court ruled that while this might be true, blood tests showed they failed the pure-blooded membership clause in the group's articles of association.

Leader of the Scots in Korea, Andy You********, who works as an English teacher, said "**** this ****. ******* ******* pig-*******. What kind of ******-up ******* legal ******* sytem is this? We hate those *********** ******* mhic na galla English ******* ****head chanty wrasslers more than Koreans do... 300 ******* years of hate-speech against those ****ies ******* for nothing? **** those *****. Let's get to-*******-gether **** like **** ***** Australian-American Mel Gibson ****** **** ******* historically accurate film Braveheart *** ***** ****** English horseholes out of Korea.

Loud chants of 'one-nil, one-nil' could be heard in English bars across Itaewon late into the night as the colonialist English, who the Anti-English Spectrum say are trying to do to Korea exactly what they did to Scotland, tried to provoke their fellow countrymen into a traditional British national barfight.

A spokesman for the Anti-English Spectrum, who wished to remain anonymous, said the behavior of the English celebrating his group's victory made him angry, but showed why the group needed to exist.

English citizens living in Korea are believed to be currently discussing forming an Anti-Scottish Spectrum, although they are struggling with the name.

Before the legal ruling, foreigners from a significant number of countries had expressed an interest in joining the Anti-English Spectrum, and there were even a number of requests from outside Korea, including one - it is believed - from President Barack Obama.

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Classes Formally Suspended at Seoul International University

Some say I'm whimsical

Authorities at Seoul International University's Graduate School of Convergence Science and Technology (SIU-GSCST) have decided to formally suspend Computer Science classes at the university until after December's presidential elections.

The move came after repeated disruptions to lectures taught by SIU professor, Ahn Cheol-soo, the presumptuous 18th President of the Republic of Korea and star of The Hangover series of movies. During one Computer Security class recently, a student asked about the ability of firewalls to fully separate two different networks. Ahn thought carefully before replying "I could join politics if I could be used to contribute to the development of society."

As students jeered he added "It's too early to talk about the presidential poll. Nobody has declared a bid for it yet." But he made it clear to his Computer Science class that if he did enter politics, he will not be swayed by political forces sharply divided by a "right and left" ideology. Political analysts have speculated that the future president's technical research within the Department of Intelligence Convergence System has led to the discovery of a new form of politics which is neither 'left', nor 'right', but instead simply 'Ahn'.

When students asked for Ahn's thoughts on the ability of firewalls to make decisions preventing illegitimate communications from passing through, he told them "My thought and code of conduct runs counter to making a decision under the influence of political forces, which could cause damage to the public interest." As students took notes, a class representative asked if the material would be in their term-paper. "If I join politics, I will put priority on the value of public interest without relying on specific political group." he warned his group in reply.

"Another computer class turns political. KMN." tweeted one student called 'lunch1230'. "Some say I'm whimsical" tweeted Ahn in response.

The university is believed to have asked Ahn not to turn the campus into an election platform but he had remained undeterred "My role at the moment is," he said, "standing at the current position and galvanizing the two [major parties] to push forward their reform drive." South Korea's reform drive has increasingly suffered from fragmentation, but it is believed that Ahn will offer to defragment it to see if it solves the problem.

Under the circumstances, university authorities said it was best to suspend Computer Science classes until after the election, and offer extra Politics credits to students in the university's Graduate School of Convergence Science and Technology.

Opponents in the university's Best Graduate School of Psychology say that while Ahn says he may offer 'a new style of politics' if he decides to stand, his desperate attempts to stay in the media spotlight while remaining evasive about his intentions and proposed policies is one of the oldest political tricks in the book - but they admit that Korean consumers are likely to be attracted by the new packaging.

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Ultra-Rightists in Tokyo

Is a new flag needed?

While peaceful Koreans were distracted democratically electing lawmakers last Wednesday, an unthinkable event was taking place across the East Sea. A rally supporting Japan's childish claims to to the Korean Dokdo Islands was held in the capital city of Tokyo and included not only radical nationalists, but ranking government officials – obviously deliberately to coincide with the Korean election.

The timing, venue and participants indicates how tenacious and meticulous the Japanese are in their gradual erosion of Korea's sovereignty, because be in no doubt this rally eroded Korea's sovereignty. "I felt my sovereignty slipping away on the day of the election", said 24 year-old Kim who lives in South Korea's second-class city of Busan, "and immediately turned on the news to find out what was causing it." Kim says he was angered to hear about the Japanese rally, which Korean scientists estimate reduced Korea's sovereignty by as much as 19.10%.

It was nothing short of shocking to hear these ultra-rightists' remarks at the rally, which called for revising Japan's constitution to revive its self-defense rights. In short, these conservative extremists were advocating war against South Korea.

This seemingly abrupt assertiveness might reflect the fact that Tokyo's other territorial disputes are failing as well. Or it might be due to the increasing sense of frustration the world's former No. 2 economy feels in contrast to the rise of China and Korea. Or it may simply be sexual frustration caused by the fact that Japanese men have smaller penises than Korean men. But none of these so-called reasons can justify the resurgence of ultra-rightist nationalism and rhetoric in Japan – a worst-case nightmare for its Asian neighbors.

These shocking acts by ultra-rightists show why Koreans should respond exactly the same way. But where are the Korean ultra-rightists? Why are Koreans so politically moderate and liberal that they quietly and politely state the simple fact that Dokdo is Korean territory, while refraining from public rallies, stunts and vicious attacks on their neighbor in the media? Seoul must drop its "quiet diplomacy" which, more often than not has led to Korea's complete surrender, its invasion, and the successful wiping out of the Korean pure-blooded race.

The Korean people also need to somehow learn how to become angry radical nationalists too despite the calmness of nature that we are so globally famous for. Can anyone in this country even remember how to hold a protest? Of course not, because we are so peaceful.

Seoul should have responded to the Tokyo rally with a defensive strike against Japanese targets such as missile sites in retaliation, but it did not. If its lukewarm approach reflected the need for bilateral cooperation in dealing with North Korea's imminent rocket launch at the time, South Korean ministers and government officials should have recalled who was the first and foremost culprit in the division of the Korean Peninsula. It was Japan that divided the Korea's two brothers, and Japan that therefore started the Korean War.

For most Koreans, there should be little doubt which country out of Japan and North Korea is the more alarming and vital issue. It is Japan which continually threatens this country with destruction, whereas the North Koreans would never really hurt us because we are all Koreans. The Japanese are not Koreans, they are not pure-blooded and do not share our pure-blooded Korean values. Unlike our North Korean brothers they can not be trusted and are likely to attack us at any moment. We must strike back against these radical nationalists and put a final end to their ultra-rightist rhetoric.

This article was translated from an editorial in The Korea Times.

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Ahn Promises Almost Certainly Decisive Presidency

Whimsical?

Despite calls from a leading foreign blogger in Korea, the 50 year-old actor, comedian and physician Ahn Cheol-soo pressed ahead with his non-campaign for the presidency today by inviting journalists to a secret meeting with campaign supporters.

The Korean star of The Hangover movies, in which he appears under a stage name, and one-time doctor who was so good he could even cure computer viruses, wowed audiences over the last sixth months as part of his "I'm not running for office but..." concert tour, before the common herd offered him the crown to the Republic of Korea three times just prior to the Ides of March, when he finally tentatively announced his candidacy.

After the announcement, which he later suggested he had not confirmed, before implying that he possibly had, Ahn said that Korea probably needed a sort of new kind of politics where politicians could be lay out a clear vision and be held to their words, most of the time. "I promise you – subject to terms and conditions – an almost certainly decisive presidency, maybe." he said at the end of a rousing speech to supporters of his fan club 'Na Cheol Soo' last weekend, which he denies being associated with. Na Cheol Soo also denied being associated with Ahn Cheol Soo, although they later denied this.

Ahn says his presidency is likely to focus on four broadly definitive and somewhat measurable goals - 'harmony', 'sharing' and 'a win-win for all community members through the entire community'. Polling shows that voters say they will almost definitely vote for a candidate that offers them 'a win-win for all community members through the entire community' in December's presidential elections.

Last week a coalition of political groups swept to power under the Unethical Alliance Party banner, but while not revealing his political allegiances the enigmatic Ahn has implied that he might stand as an independent candidate, attracting criticism from the UAP's Saenuri faction. "It's great being in Saenuri", said a spokesman in Seanuri, "why would he want to be independent of the UAP when his large following already indicates he can meet our high Unethical standards?"

55 year-old Professor Kim from Korea International University explained that Ahn's intention to clean-up Korean politics is typical of someone from a wealthy background who hasn't had to do any cleaning at home. "When you take a small new rag, and try to use it to clean up a dirty house, it quickly becomes dirty itself - sometimes dirtier than the thing it's trying to clean."

Indeed, the share price of AhnLab, a leading anti-virus software development company where Ahn is the majority shareholder, rose 14.9 percent to 107,900 won the day after the election, as Korean investors took the view that Ahn was lying and that the outcome of the elections - which seemed to increase the chances of Ahn becoming president - would mean the company would mysteriously benefit from him holding office.

But Ahn's non-supporters say he wants to offer something new on becoming the 18th President of the Republic of Korea, as an outsider offering a fresh start and a change from the endless corruption and broken promises which characterize Korean politics. If he succeeds in convincing voters that he can offer a 'new politics' as an outsider, he will be the first president to do this since Roh Moo-hyun – the 16th President of the Republic of Korea.

However, Roh's presidency was ultimately regarded as such a failure that many people didn't even realize it had begun, and following the start of an investigation into corruption allegations - which he sort-of denied - Roh committed suicide in 2009. Everyone subsequently had to therefore agree this probably made him innocent, and the incumbent Japanese-born President Lee Myung-bak probably guilty of something, turning voters back towards the cause of hopeless outsiders, from hopeless insiders.

But while President Roh was elected to office by the so-called '386 Generation' - Koreans born in the 60s, who won freedom as part of the democracy movement and who hated America, the new 'Core i3' generation of voters – so named because of their lack of power – have no knowledge of ancient history. "They do not yet understand that the pendulum of the presidency will swing from establishment figures to outsiders as each successor generator realize what a mistake the previous one made. This is certainly Ahn's moment to seize power." said Professor Kim.

While promising an almost certainly decisive presidency, Ahn said he still wanted to keep his options open. "I don't think I should enter politics" he told the media recently, later adding though that "Some say I'm whimsical".

In preparation for an Ahn victory, pre-production work on the The Hangover Part III has commenced with the plot centering around 49 million people who wake up in disastrous and confused circumstances in 2017 and have to trace their movements back five years to 2012. Figure-skating sensation Kim Yu-na, who is already an ice queen, is already being tipped as the outsider candidate for president in 2022 after memories of Ahn's term of office have faded.

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North Korea Announces Name of First Astronaut

Despite the failure of its Unha-3 rocket two days ago on Friday 13th, North Korea appears determined to press ahead with its ambitious space program, by announcing a mission designed to put a man in orbit around the Earth.

Pyongyang announced earlier today that the man who will become the authoritarian regime's first astronaut is none other than the director of the Friday 13th failure at the West Sea Satellite Launch Site, Jang Myong-jin, whose age remains a state secret. The North Korean government says he has stepped down from his post with immediate effect to concentrate on his rigorous astronaut training.

To prove the toughness and self-reliance of the North Korean people, officials in Pyongyang say the former director will not travel into space protected by a thick metal shell like cowardly American astronauts, but would instead be launched into orbit on top of the next Unha-3 rocket, only using a tight harness for safety reasons to ensure he doesn't fall off.

While the North says this is the first time they will put one of their citizens into orbit, they have denied that Jang Myong-jin will have the honor of being North Korea's first astronaut, since they claim to have sent astronauts to land on the Moon in 1971, one year before South Korea's first astronauts reached Earth's orbiting satellite.

North Korea's claims have been widely discredited, unlike South Korea's Moon-landing which was extensively documented in 1972 and even led to the creation of a Korean Moon-based religion which has since swept the world.

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Breaking News: North Korean Rocket Launch A Success - North Korea

Unha-4

The North Korean regime says it successfully launched its Unha-3 rocket from the Korean Committee of Space Technology's Tongchang-ri space center this morning at 7.39am local time, Friday 13th, which was intended to celebrate what would have been the 100th birthday of Kim Il-sung and "to peacefully advance its ballistic missile program".

The rocket flew for around 90 seconds before exploding, hitting its intended target according to North Korean officials – a flock of birds. A spokesman for the regime, who refused to give his name or age, said that the North Korean people would eat well tonight and "the bird-killing rocket was made possible by the vision of the revered late leader Kim Jong-il, who selflessly died of starvation in December so that North Korean children could eat". But Fox News said it believed the birds were American and the attack was effectively a declaration of war by the North Korean puppet regime, with an emotional presenter threatening to destroy Pyongyang in a 'sea of fire'.

The regime had originally claimed the rocket would carry a dual-purpose observation-communication satellite into space that would be used to monitor the weather, find trees to cut down, and communicate directly with Hankyoreh journalists in the South. But South Korea, Japan and many Western nations accused the North of using the rocket test as a cover for its nuclear program, which is aimed at American cities.

International journalists and space experts had been invited to the launch site to act as human shields in case the hated Americans tried to take military action to prevent the launch, although officially they were there at the invitation of Pyongyang in order to witness the launch and verify that it had peaceful purposes.

One Russian space expert present at the launch site said the rocket was clearly civilian in nature rather than military, because it was painted white rather than green or brown. An American space expert also at the site, who said he had a wife and young children back home but had come to North Korea for resume purposes, said he didn't think the Unha-3 rocket launch was possibly intended to be used for military purposes.

North Korean scientists and officials at the space center were unable to immediately comment on the success of the launch, as many were caught up in long queues for the bathroom. Some claimed to have worked so hard on the rocket they hadn't been to the toilet since 2009, when Pyongyang claims it put a satellite broadcasting revolutionary songs into orbit using a Taepongdong-2 rocket, embarrassing South Korean officials who had been in a race to launch a satellite to broadcast K-pop songs first.

But despite the claims from Pyongyang, scientists and officials in the rest of the world said that the 2009 launch had been a failure, with no evidence of a satellite being placed in orbit. Further bad luck seemed to strike when all the scientists involved in the program subsequently died in a series of bizarre accidents which seemed to mirror those from the Final Destination series of movies.

After the failure, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il – a noted movie buff – laid plans for the new launch which finally took place today. While the regime is claiming the latest launch as a success, officials at the North American Aerospace Defense Command - NORAD - said it had failed with the rocket breaking into several pieces just over a minute after launch. This seems likely to raise tensions on the Korean Peninsula, as North Korea had earlier warned that any failure of the rocket would represent an act of war by South Korea and the United States. An attack on South Korea in the near-future is now considered highly likely, again.

U.S. Navy ships are now said to be racing to the location parts of the rocket splashed down, as analyzing the wreckage will yield vital intelligence on the nature of the North Korean program. But South Korea's Hankyoreh newspaper says the American search is likely to come up empty-handed, as it believes that "after exploding, parts of the rocket traveled back in time - a well-known science fiction phenomenon – and fell into the West Sea, hitting the warship Cheonan two years ago, finally solving the mystery of its accidental sinking."

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Is Your English Instructor Really English?

It has been revealed that education authorities have failed to properly check the identity and qualifications of foreign English teachers hired by private learning institutes.

The Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education said that it has only been able to verify the passports, educational qualifications, current health status, medical histories and criminal records of 9.3 percent of non-Koreans working at cram schools in the capital. "It's very important to ensure we don't find ourselves hiring educators with criminal convictions", said a spokesman for the Office, which is run by top Seoul Educator 58 year-old Kwak No-hyun, who worked from jail earlier this year after being indicted on bribery charges last September and subsequently convicted by a district court.

While the chief of the Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education has no intention of teaching in a cram school - or hagwon as they are known - it is well-known that foreign criminals are not so principled, and frequently seek out the easy life in education as a cover for their criminal activities.

"Rules concerning the employment of foreign language teachers were tightened last October following a series of unfortunate incidents involving them over the past few years." explained an official at the Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education, who refused to reveal his identity. He did not elaborate on the nature of these 'unfortunate incidents', but none are believed to have been convicted of bribery and corruption in public office.

The unknown official added that while background checks take time, the public should not be unduly concerned, since only a few English language instructors have been engaged in criminal activities and that local media outlets tend to exaggerate the seriousness of crimes committed by English teachers, creating a largely inaccurate impression that many of these foreigners were unqualified and would pose a threat to pupils.

But The Dokdo Times has learned from sources that results from the 9.3 percent of English teachers already checked are said to be shocking – incredibly most of them are not even English. Instead it appears that while presenting themselves as English teachers, many in fact come from other countries such as the United States, Canada, Australia and even somewhere called 'Scotland', which doesn't even exist on Korean maps. As such, as many as 95 percent of the 9.3 percent of native English language teachers already checked are now known to be here under false pretenses, as they are not English natives at all.

The revelation is likely to justifiably alarm parents across Seoul and even other less important parts of Korea where parents don't care about their children's education as much, and in the absence of action from the Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education both parents and children are now being urged to take matters into their own hands and check these teachers' credentials themselves to find out if their so-called 'English teacher' is really English, or just pretending to be.

Many see this debacle as typical of the deceptive nature of foreigners, but it is sure to turn into a scandal that yet again Koreans will have to deal with, raising questions about why foreigners are allowed to live here. The hagwon industry promises to be particularly hard hit, with one owner – 51 year-old Kim of the Supper English Academy – saying that the problem of fake English teachers is so bad he fears he has turned away genuine English teachers because they 'sounded strange'. Kim says that now he has checked their credentials he intends to fire all his non-English teachers at the end of the month without pay or severance since they had obviously lied to get the job and he now realizes they speak a fake version of the language.

With the issue of counterfeit goods flooding Korea frequently hitting the headlines in recent months, the Ministry of Justice is now being urged to investigate the trade in counterfeit languages, before Korea develops a reputation for being soft on these foreign criminals.

But there appear to be few options for embattled hagwon owners and the other victims of these deceptive foreigners. It is believed that many real English teachers have returned home to England after being unable to find jobs in Korea, and last year a project to replace native English teachers with 29 robots in Daegu schools failed after some of the robot instructors were accused of sexually inappropriate behavior and taking drugs.

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Breaking News: UAP Win Landslide in South Korean Elections

With the polls now closed, a group of Korean politicians who came together to form an electoral coalition under the banner of the Unethical Alliance Party look set to sweep to a landslide victory in the Korean elections which took place today.

While the results have been anxiously anticipated, in the end only one group mounted any serious challenge to the UAP. The surprise late entry into the race came from the Ministry of Strategy and Finance, which immediately went negative by attacking the populist spending promises of UAP politicians. But the Ministry had to withdraw its candidature from the elections, after the National Election Commission said it was ineligible to stand.

Despite the broad coalition under the Unethical Alliance Party banner, there were still some hotly contested races held between multiple UAP candidates fighting in the same constituencies, although police did break up several fights before they became too violent. UAP leaders said that in the absence of any serious challengers, it was important to honor the democratic process and allow people to choose what kind of unethical leaders they wanted.

This was the first major election in which overseas absentee voting was permitted, but political analysts say it has ultimately played little part in determining the outcome. The biggest block of overseas Korean voters had been expected to send in their absentee ballots by rocket, but reports say its fueling was not completed in time.

Other Koreans who missed out on voting include many male Korean Wave stars, who became American citizens to avoid military service - and are therefore ineligible to vote, and Korean military forces posted overseas to countries such as Afghanistan - lawmakers had originally promised them the vote, but then decided to break the promise fearing they might vote to come home. UAP officials said the situation with the Korean military overseas was unfortunate, but if the UAP hadn't broken its promise, it would not be living up to its principles. Welcoming their victory, UAP leaders promised more broken promises in the months ahead.

The elections had been closely watched as an indicator on how the public would probably vote in December's presidential elections. The UAP landslide now seems to indicate Korea is likely to put an Unethical candidate in Korea's highest office next year. Political and business leaders have already welcomed the continuity of leadership this is likely to provide.

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Are Koreans Jewish?

The Korea Times says it has uncovered evidence suggesting that Koreans may be suffering from such severe nationalism they might even be considered Jewish. Despite suffering from a long and well-documented history of persecution, the news is likely to shock Koreans who had always regarded migrant workers as the Jews of Korea, not themselves. It will also embarrass customers of South Korea's Nazi Bars, and possibly stop Korea's Nazi fashion wave in its Panzer tracks.

The media has long portrayed successful ethnic Koreans who hold a foreign citizenship such as the golfer Michelle Wie as actually full Korean citizens, while categorizing Koreans who live in other countries and commit crimes as Korean Americans. Meanwhile, ethnic Koreans who come to Korea to teach English and commit crimes are merely referred to as "foreign English teachers" or "foreign criminals".

Koreans in America who commit mass murder are clearly immersed in the dark side of U.S. popular culture. But what if the opposite is true, and Koreans in America who succeed do so because they have escaped from the dark side of Korean popular culture, especially prolonged exposure to K-pop which has been shown to erode intelligence by foreign scientific studies which were never taken seriously before now? The explosive suggestion is that Koreans succeed not because they are Koreans, but because they leave Korea and live outside its corrupting influence.

Even the notion that overseas Koreans are still pure-blooded has been called into question recently, after a 34 year-old Korean man who returned to Korea following a serious car accident was blocked from re-entering the country when airport scanners found he was no longer pure-blooded after receiving a blood transfusion in an American hospital. While he was legally deported for traveling on what had effectively become a false passport, it raised the question of how pure-blooded Koreans who lived in foreign countries their whole lives could really be.

It has always been thought that even if Koreans living overseas were no longer pure-blooded Koreans, they would still represent Korean interests as to not do so would be simple treason. But the K-logic of all of this was thrown into disarray last year when ethnic Korean Sung Kim was made U.S. ambassador to Korea, and people were shocked to discover that he actually intended to represent American policy in Korea, even when it was at odds with what Koreans believed, which didn't make any sense.

According to 53 year-old Professor Kim from Dokdo Korea University in Dokdo City, Koreans have long since developed a severe case of severe nationalism, which could have a negative impact in the global arena. What's more important now is to embrace those foreigners who become Korean citizens and live here, not just regard the phenomenon as a mental health issue, he said.

But if Koreans - the Chosen people - are ultimately found to be Jewish - the chosen people - it would solve one of the enduring mysteries of how Jesus could be both Korean and Jewish, because the two would be one and the same. It would also mean that Jerry Seinfeld, America's most successful comedian after Sarah Palin, could be claimed by the Korean people as one of their own, alongside many other successful Americans who have previously been dismissed as Jews by Koreans. An excited spokesman for the Ministry of Culture told reporters earlier today that "if Koreans really are Jewish, the Korean Wave is far more successful than even we suggested it was."

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Lectures on Local Films for Foreigners

The Korea Foundation will hold a series of six lectures on Korean films this month. "Open Lectures on Korean Culture for Foreigners: Treasures of Korean Cinema" (OLoKCfF:ToKC). The Foundation was established in 1991 by the Korean National Assembly with the aim of enhancing the image of Korea to people around the world who have Internet Explorer and Adobe Flash Player version 10.1.0 or greater installed on their computers.

"The power of the Korean film industry to portray diverse lives with a fraction of the budget for Hollywood blockbusters like Titanic stems from the creativity that was impacted by the Japanese occupation and the Korean War" said one of the lecturers. Japan is likely to welcome the comments as it has always maintained that it was doing Korea a favor when it staged its brutal occupation - which Tokyo characterizes as an extended holiday excursion by its military.

The OLoKCfF:ToKC lectures will lecture foreigners who wish to find out more about Korean Cinema and why it is better than the inferior output of Hollywood, and these questionable foreigners will also be invited to see a number of landmark Korean films as part of the lectures.

The series will kick off with Yu Hyun-mok's "Obaltan" (1961) - a grim portrayal of the struggles of a Northern Korean refugee family living in Seoul in the late 1950s, following the civil war that was ultimately caused by the Japanese occupation of Korea. It was judged to be so depressing the government banned it shortly after its release for public safety reasons, but it was subsequently praised for its realism.

Later a "Flower in Hell" will be screened. The film offers grim portrayal of a Korean prostitute, or "flower", who is forced to work around a U.S. Army base, or "hell", and sleep with American demons. From the film, foreigners will see how an otherwise respectable if inexpensive whore can become so desperate and debased as to have to sleep with foreigners working in a disgusting occupation.

Also being shown is Hanyo (The Housemaid) - a grim and claustrophobic character study about the hardships of post-war life caused by the Japanese and Chinese and one family's descent into psychosis caused by marriage, Mist - a grim story of a loveless marriage in a claustrophobic town far away from Seoul populated by mediocre examples of humanity, Holiday - the grim and violent story of a neighborhood bulldozed to make way for the foreigners attending the Olympic Games and the shattered lives of its former residents, and One Fine Spring Day - a grim story of a love affair which blossoms in spring only to decline the following spring.

Other films, described as 'equally grim', will portray the intricate minutia of Korean life that is thought to so fascinate moviegoers around the world, while taking the opportunity to subtly attack a variety of foreigners and foreign ideas from other countries outside Korea, not just America and Japan. "It's really surprising that Korean films are not more popular outside Korea" said a grim-faced spokesman for the event.

OLoKCfF:ToKC is the second lecture on Korean film at the Korean Foundation. In September 2011, the institute introduced productions from the 1950s and '60s. Several suicides marred the event, but their cause remains a mystery.

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Foreigners Fear Mass Deportations as Government Goes Nuclear

21 and feeling lucky

Thousands of foreigners in Korea who hold different opinions to the Korean government are said to be in hiding today after the Ministry of Injustice set a legal precedent by deporting three members of the international pay-per-view media group Greenpeace who had arrived at Incheon International Airport, which last year won the title of World's Best Airport for the sixth year in a row.

Greenpeace, which opened an office in South Korea last year in a bid to expand into new media markets, has been a vocal critic of South Korea's entirely sensible plans to double its reliance on nuclear power by betting big on the industry with the building of 13 more nuclear plants to go with the lucky 21 that already exist. "Nobody sticks at 21" said an official for the nuclear industry.

The government has been forced to label the building of the domestic nuclear industry as a 'green' energy policy, on legal advice which made the case that only the inexperienced and naive could believe it was safe. But government officials maintain that the disclaimer is a technicality – nuclear power is safe for the vast majority of Koreans because they live in Seoul, which by sheer coincidence is located as far away from Korea's 21 nuclear plants as possible.

Greenpeace, which takes its name from the belief that you have to be naive to really believe in peace, states that its goal is to "ensure the ability of the Earth to nurture life in all its diversity", although the organization has consistently fought those with views in any way diverge from its own, sometimes physically in a non-peaceful form of televised martial art known as 'direct action'. These pay-per-view events enable the media group to fund further troublesome direct actions, continuing the cycle. But the deported foreigners argued that they were not coming to Korea to cause trouble, before immediately appearing to contradict themselves by claiming they were here to see government officials.

It is believed that the government issued the deportation order on the grounds that the foreigners disagreed with Korean government policies. As such, the deportations may carry profound implications for foreigners living in Korea, many of whom are known to be dubious about the obvious benefits of safe, wholesome nuclear energy. These dubious foreigners have been known to speak out about a range of social and environmental issues, to the extent that the government database that logs all their online activity and comments is almost full and urgently needs replacing.

Foreigners with different views have long been a thorny issue in Korea. While some become willing collaborators, many do not, and yet sending them back home to their countries while they are still coherent runs the risk of exposing more foreigners to their incorrect experiences of Korea. Generally, senior government figures are said to take the view that it is better for dubious foreigners to remain in Korea and die here, but this was thought impossible in the case of the foreigners arriving at Incheon. "If we'd held them indefinitely in the airport it's likely that Greenpeace would have turned it into a bigger media event, or possibly even a full-length movie, which obviously had to be avoided at all costs" explained a government spokesman.

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Government Blocks Teens from Viewing Government

The government unveiled a set of measures Friday to block teenagers' access to government using the Internet and smartphones.

Under the new measures, the government will require online content providers to install software programs that prevent political material from being viewed easily. The decision reflects growing concern about the side-effects of high-technology devices that enable teenagers to engage in acts of freedom.

Political content providers will also ask their users to provide cell phone numbers, credit card information, or Internet Personal Identification Numbers (i-PIN). They will also be required to operate political censorship programs to run their business. The government will encourage parents to install censorship software on their PCs and cable TV and Internet Protocol Television (IPTV) service providers will issue bills with records of programs watched by their users.

A software program that detects specific politicians, their rate of anti-government speech, and specific tone of voice on an image or clip is under development by the Electronic and Telecommunications Research Institute, a government-funded agency. Political censorship is "almost ready", an official, who wished to remain anonymous, said.

Police will also launch an intensive crackdown on populist content from May.

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