20th Century Map Proves Dokdo is Korean Territory

A recently discovered historical map in the National Archives, which is believed to date back to 1998, appears to prove that the 20th Century Young-Sam Era Korean Government regarded Dokdo to be Korean Territory.

Under microscopic analysis the map has been proved to use a brand of printer ink which was popular at the time, and experts say the lower concentrations of pollution particles captured in the ink are consistent with China’s level of industrial development in those days, and the consequent toxicity levels of the Korean atmosphere.

At that time in history, it was common for Dokdo to be drawn to scale on Korean maps, meaning that the islands and label above them is extremely small. However, 55-year-old Professor Kim of Dokdo International University’s Faculty of Accurate Dokdo History, says there is no mistaking the name ‘Dokdo Korea’ above the dots. These days, Dokdo’s size appears much bigger on maps for navigation and weather forecasts so that Koreans can see them properly.

Japanese experts however, who have seen the 20th Century map, say that the mark on the paper in the location of Dokdo is ‘a smudge’. They also claim to have an earlier map dating back to 1995, though due to its fragility it has to be kept in a secure darkened environment in the basement of Tokyo Museum.

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Robot Teachers Accused of Sex Assaults, Taking Drugs

Inappropriate poking?

A project to replace native English teachers with 29 robots in Daegu schools has run into trouble in only its second week, after some of the robot instructors were accused of sexually inappropriate behavior and taking drugs.

Last month at a demonstration held in front of 150 government officials, one of the white egg-shaped robots – which are all named “Engkey” (a meaningless abbreviation of ‘English’ and ‘key’) - spoke, asked questions, conversed in English with students and even entertained the crowd by dancing to music. Officials said that that they had trialled a black Engkey, but students had not reacted as favorably to it as the white model.

There were high hopes that, if successful, the white English-teaching robots could solve Korea’s chronic English-teacher problem. "They won't complain about health insurance, sick leave and severance package, or leave in three months” said a scientist working for the Korea Institute of Science and Technology, echoing long standing complaints in the private education or 'hagwon' sector about foreign teachers who come to Korea expecting minor technical contract details such as time off and pay to be honored.

However, despite the initial hopes there are claims that the difficulties with the robot teachers began almost immediately after the launch party, with a girl who had attending it claiming that one “Engkey” had followed her home. Later, pictures surfaced on Korean websites showing a number of the white robots dancing with young Korean women who were not wearing their burqas.

By the next week it was claimed that several of the robots were coming into class late, looking scruffy and smelling of oil. After one Engkey was said to have stopped half-way through an increasingly slurred sentence and fallen over, the pilot school – suspecting drug use – called the local police in to investigate. However, according to a police statement the Engkey was “unable or unwilling to provide a urine sample” in accordance with the racially-based law which requires foreign English teachers to submit to testing while exempting Koreans working in the same jobs from similar tests.

The prototype robots, which are made by Graystone Industries, are not classed as Korean nationals and therefore have no legal rights or status. Had the pilot program been a success, local companies had planned to reverse engineer the design to create domestically more-acceptable Korean versions, although legal experts working with Korea’s chaebols have argued that even Korean robots should not be given too many freedoms or legal rights, as this might give their company employees and millions of other ordinary Koreans unreasonable expectations and unpatriotic ideas.

The 'Daygu Native-English Teachers Association' - who risk being replaced by the robots - said in a written statement "its impotant english is taught propperly by naitive speekers U cant re-place us with robots its not the answer 2 koreans dificulty lerrning english".

VANK, which regularly follows and harasses foreign English teachers in order to further its goal of “promoting a positive image of Korea”, says that VANK members went through one of the robot’s trash last weekend finding several used condoms and “direct evidence of drug use”, although they did not specify whether this evidence was of drugs which are illegal in Korea, or other addictive and mind-altering substances such as alcohol, kimchi, tobacco and medical stimulants whose use is not only legal but practically mandatory in Korean society. VANK members are typically highly dedicated to protecting Korean society, often choosing to go unmarried which frees them to spend large parts of their time at home VANKing with material on the Internet. A spokesman for the group, who is known to be one of the biggest VANKers in Korea, said that "Korean women must be protected from these foreigners' sexual immoralities."

The condoms are likely to raise alarm among other conservative groups, who have already voiced concerns about the implications of the Engkeys breeding with Koreans and creating a fusion Korean-machine race which might eventually seek to overthrow Korea’s pure-blooded society.

Despite their sexual immorality and drug-use, the Engkeys and their dubious non-Korean habits have not tried to corrupt every student. One girl at the trial school – who wished to remain anonymous - secretly admitted to us that she had been sitting right in front of an Engkey for its 10am morning English class wearing increasingly short skirts and tight blouses every day, but had failed to make its eyes wander below her neck at any time. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” Kim cried as she talked to our reporter off-the-record, “but I’ve decided to save up for cosmetic surgery.”

The Engkey currently being held by Daegu police is expected to appear in court on drug charges later this month before being imprisoned and later deported.

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Left-Wing Journalists Say Hankyoreh Most Trusted Media Source

A survey of left-wing journalists by the left-wing Journalists’ Association of Korea has revealed that they believe the left-wing Hankyoreh newspaper to be the most trusted media source in Korea. The President of the Journalists’ Association of Korea, who is also a Hankyoreh journalist, welcomed the results of the survey - “This is clearly a fair and balanced survey revealing my employer to be the most fair and balanced newspaper in Korea.”

The results seem to conflict with last month’s survey conducted by the Korea Times Journalists’ Association, which found The Korea Times to be the most trusted media source.

However, the Hankyoreh has already poured scorn on the earlier survey, stating that experts have doubted its results because the type of ink used by some survey respondents could also have been used by non-journalists. The newspaper also highlighted inconsistencies in the first survey, in which some respondents had called The Korea Times “extremely trustworthy”, while others had selected “very trustworthy”. The Hankyoreh said that the original survey should be re-investigated by independent Chinese and Russian experts.

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Busan Crane Protest Enters Its 25th Year

A man who climbed a crane after being laid off in 1986 by Hanjin Heavy Industries marked the beginning of his 25th year of protest yesterday quietly, while authorities continued their debate on how to end the protest. 51 year-old Kim, who was just 26 when his job was one of those eliminated as part of a series of cutbacks within the company, demanded that workers be reinstated until unions and management agreed a deal over the controversial redundancies.

Labor negotiations over the issue have been increasingly complicated in recent years due to significant numbers of workers and senior management who have retired since the original redundancy plan was implemented. Kim is believed to be still insisting that all the workers who were fired be permitted to return to work, a demand thought to be impractical due to the large number who have died since losing their jobs. Kim’s former union boss, 76 year-old Kim, was even flown to Busan from Jeju Island to tell Kim that the 1980s labor conflict was over, but he refused to come down, shouting that it was a management trap. Kim has said that if the military government tell him to climb down for the good of the nation he will do so, but so far he has received no such order, adding to his belief that the generals in Seoul are secretly sympathetic to his plight.

In the early months of the protest, it had been hoped that Kim would eventually be starved out from his position 131 feet above ground, but he hasn’t required food yet due – according to his wife - to the large amount of kimchi he ate before climbing the crane 25 years ago. He is believed to be rationing some further supplies of kimchi he carried up with him, and drinking rainwater he has been seen to be collecting.

Kim says that once he gets his job back, he intends to immediately go on strike to protest over other issues which have arisen in the company since 1986.

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Korean Reality TV Program 'Too Depressing', Canceled

Korean light entertainment shows are little changed from the 1980s, featuring a mix of light comedy and behavior designed to embarrass participants and induce audiences into fits of screaming. It’s a format that was more globally popular once in America, but these days the world’s largest television market has largely moved towards reality programming and various versions of CSI set in different cities.

In an attempt to cash in on the popularity of the ‘reality TV’ craze, KBS launched a program earlier this month where ten participants lived together in a small apartment covered by cameras which ensured every aspect of their lives were recorded. It was a concept similar to the ‘Big Brother’ show which has been a hit in various countries, although participants were still allowed to go to work during the day since it would be impossible for them to get time off in Korea. Instead, cameras followed each of the house members around as they undertook their jobs.

The show was canceled after ten days - audiences, while curious at first, had quickly switched off. 24 year-old Kim, who works in a Seoul supermarket, was typical of the reaction. “Watching the reality show made me realize how depressing Korean life was.” she said. Other viewers generally agreed that they were shocked to find Korean life was a monotonous monoculture largely consisting of long working hours, enforced socialization with colleagues, five hours sleep per night and almost endless tension over the dinner table.

Professor of Media and Culture at Seoul International University, 42 year-old Kim, explained that there was an expectation among viewers that other people’s lives would be similar to the luxurious ones portrayed in the numerous soap operas or K-dramas which are shown by the Korean TV networks, but in reality it turned out that other people’s lives were just like theirs. “This could create a dangerous social upheaval.” he told us “Much like that of religious followers, people only put up with their lives in Korea in the belief that if they are devout or determined enough they will climb the socio-economic ladder and wake up to a new life one day. When they realize that isn’t true, and it's actually a tool of social control propagated by Korea's chaebol, the enormity of the suffering becomes clear - at which point people might just give up and decide to enjoy their lives instead.” Korea has a long tradition of hardship and it is not clear what might happen to the economy if the Korean people stop pursuing it.

Despite its premature cancellation, the show did change the life of one participant, 26-year-old Kim, an office worker from Seoul. She explained that until the cameras stopped following her, her boss hadn’t tried to touch her breasts for almost a week. “That was really liberating.” she told us.

Dicknose Americans Snub Hyundai Avante

Chosun Ilbo's 'Dicknose Americans'

The naming of the Chevrolet Volt as the North American Car of the Year at the Detroit Auto Show last week has caused anger in Korea.

The Volt, of which only 300 have been sold, is about the same size as a Hyundai Avante, but despite this it costs much more, is less fuel efficient on longer trips, and is not Korean. The decision to snub the superior Avante - a true people's car which was named after the newspaper of the Portuguese Communist Party - was typical of those 'dicknose Americans' according to The Chosun Ilbo, although later it removed the wording while leaving the accompanying cartoon intact.

Apparently fearful of falling foul of Korea's new but extremely weak laws on racial hatred, the Chosun Ilbo later claimed the image merely 'exaggerated racial features', which is perfectly acceptable in Korea as long as it isn't done by foreigners against Koreans. The comic book, which has a circulation of over 2.2 million, regularly prints news articles alongside its anti-foreigner cartoons in order to be classed as a serious media organization in Korea for tax and political purposes. However, the Chosun Ilbo hasn't always maintained an anti-foreigner editorial line, as it collaborated closely with the Japanese military forces who brutally occupied Korea from 1910 to 1945. If South Korea ever becomes a U.S. State, which the little-read left-wing Hankyoreh newspaper maintains will be President Lee Myung-bak's next big policy announcement, the Chosun Ilbo is expected to suddenly become a pro-American mouthpiece.

A GM source at the Detroit motor show admitted that Chevrolet does not intend to sell the Volt in large numbers, whereas the Hyundai Avante is massively popular in Korea due to the high tariffs imposed on foreign cars which mean most ordinary Koreans - or 'mundane Koreans' as they are called in Seoul's exclusive Gangnam district - can not afford to buy foreign vehicles. Conversely, the Korean government's careful manipulation of the dollar-won exchange rate ensures that Korean cars are generally cheaper than their inferior counterparts in the United States. Hyundai's Sonata for example - the winner of the 2009 Ward's Auto World Award for Best Redesigned Interior in the month of March - has sold some 202,000 cars in the U.S. and Canada.

The North American Car of the Year Award has been disproportionately won by U.S. vehicles in the past two years, causing the Chosun Ilbo to sarcastically suggest alongside its 'dicknose' cartoon that the award should instead be named the U.S. Car of the Year. However, Canada and Mexico have both said they don't care because they don't make many cars themselves anyway.

A spokesman at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade took a more diplomatic line on what is rapidly becoming known in Korea as the Hyundai Avante Snubgate Affair, saying that the Ministry hoped "that next year those dicknose Americans can rice above their petty nationalism and give the Avante the award it deserves."

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Avante!

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Immigration Service Creates 'Immigration Roulette' Game

Recognizing what foreigners have long claimed as “a certain inconsistency in our treatment of visa applications”, the Immigration Service has decided to launch the ‘Immigration Roulette’ game from next month.

Under the system, foreigners will be asked to place their application token on a color or number depending on the type of application. This will determine the success of their application and then their length of stay. “It’s a much fairer system,” said 58-year-old Kim, the Chief Immigration Officer, “because it’s equal for everyone and carries no individual bias.” Because the same manufacturer will supply all the immigration offices, it should also eliminate what foreigners have classed as ‘different judgments’, especially at the Mokdong Immigration Office in Seoul which has long been cited as being much harsher than the office in the next district.

There may still be some teething problems to resolve however. In a trial last month some foreigners who were processed under the new system claim they saw their immigration officer press a button under the table to tilt the wheel against them.

Seoul Fights Back Against Tourists

The Seoul Metropolitan Government, concerned by the creeping Eslamification of Korea which has seen an increasing number of English words and signs enter everyday use, is planning to create a 470,000 square meter 'Hangeul Zone' in central Seoul near Sejongno Street. In the zone, only Hangeul lettering will be permitted with existing English and other non-Korean lettering designed to help tourists being phased out.

"We'll turn the center of Seoul's politics, culture and history into the center of Hangeul culture and tourism, in an effort to promote Korea's native alphabet, which is also a world-class cultural heritage." a city official said.

In the last decade Korea's tourism industry has spent billions of won on non-Korean language signage in English, Japanese and Chinese to cater to the influx of foreign visitors, but some Koreans have maintained that foreign tourists should be expected to be able to speak Korean before they come here. While it has been argued that if other countries adopted the same attitude with their languages, Koreans would never take another overseas holiday again, it seems that the Hangeul-Only Movement is winning the debate.

While it is hoped the plan will promote Korea's native alphabet, the Seoul Metropolitan Government has pressed ahead with plans to bulldoze the city's last remaining 'hanoks' - traditional-style housing which some say are also a unique historical and cultural asset. The Seoul Government said that a few several-hundred year-old houses were neither here nor there, and as long as Paris Baguette had its sign written in Hangeul it believed that the important essence of Korean culture was being maintained.

If the Hangeul-Only plan is successful, other districts within the city are expected to follow suit, and the Korea Tourism Organization says it will consider removing the non-Korean versions of its website to encourage potential visitors to learn Korea's world-class cultural language before they come to this country. "It`s difficult to say whether we are trying too hard to cater to and accommodate foreign tourists, rather than encouraging them more to try and speak Korean." said the Korea Tourism Organization`s executive director of public relations.

When surveyed, foreign tourists have consistently cited the lack of non-Korean signage coupled with Koreans' lack of foreign-language abilities and unwillingness to speak anything except Korean as a major hurdle in getting around Seoul and Korea.

An attempt to speak to tourists about the removal of foreign language signs within the new Hangeul neighborhood was stopped by city officials who said we could only proceed if we conducted the interviews in Korean.

"Koreans are the most hospitable people in the world." explained the CEO of the Seoul Tourism Organization, who launched a 'Be Kind to Foreigners' campaign last year.

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Radical Eslamists Demand Korean Movie Theaters Switch to English

America Fu'Qyeh

ESLAM, the ESL Advocacy Movement which has become increasingly radicalized in Korea during recent years, has launched a campaign to demand that the Korean movie industry switches to using the English language.

“Watching a movie should be hassle-free”, a spokesman - standing in front of a large 51-star American flag - argued in a grainy video posted on a radical website, “but not for most followers of English – peace be upon it. In Seoul the movie posters are written in Hangeul, and even the title of American movies are normally just Romanized translations... which makes it very hard for followers of English, whose beliefs prevent them from learning the Korean alphabet because it is a sin. Most Korean films are not shown with English subtitles. These are clearly attacks by Korean cultural crusaders determined to impose their Korean language on people living in Korea.” The speaker then launched into a tangential diatribe listing all the ways followers of Eslam were persecuted by the authorities, before returning to finish on the subject of movie theaters 30 minutes later - “Unbelievably, the discrimination continues at the ticket box, with staff often refusing to speak English to followers of English wishing to buy tickets.”

The speaker in the video – who was wearing a mask and can not be identified - did not say what action would be taken if the Korean government failed to bow to its demands, but the group is believed to be holding a number of Korean women against their will.

During the last decade the number of radical Eslamists in Korea is thought to have grown exponentially, but the movement has been hard to track due to the frequent internal splintering of members – partly over ideology but mostly because of the poor organizational and interpersonal skills inherent in the teaching community from which Eslam draws most of its members. The most radical splinter group – an uncompromising faction known as the ‘English Speakers who Love America’ - or ESLAM - wants to create a worldwide English-speaking state known as the Amerifate where people will be free to practice their own strict interpretation of sheer Eslam.

Popular Korean films are rarely shown with English subtitles. Last year, after earlier calls from Eslamist splinter groups, Korean politicians suggested that American movie theaters start showing popular movies with Korean subtitles, but the Motion Picture Association of America refused. A Ministry of Culture spokesman said at the time “Until a reciprocal agreement can be reached, we are reluctant to make a unilateral move on the off-chance that a native-English speaker might come to a Korean movie theater to watch a Korean movie.”

The Ministry had pointed out that while the number of people who identify themselves as followers of Eslam in Korea has been increasing, putting subtitles of any language on a Korean movie was often distracting to the normally entirely Korean audience who can understand the dialog perfectly well. The spokesman also released statistics showing that there are more Koreans living in America, than Americans living in Korea, making the American refusal to place Korean subtitles on its movies all the more shocking. However, a government minister was forced to resign when he suggested that Eslamists should move to a country where English is spoken if they wish to live an English-speaking lifestyle.

In an attempt to placate the increasingly vitriolic attacks from radical Eslamists, some theaters have shown Korean movies with English subtitles, but the followers of English have refused to accept this apparent olive-branch, which some in the movement have said risks distracting them from their goal of creating an Amerifate where only English-language movies will be permitted by the cultural authorities in Hollywood. “The creation of foreign-language movies and products is insulting to Eslam.” ruled Seoul-based Eslamic scholars.

The demands are unlikely to be limited to the movie industry. Eslamic scholars have also called for the creation of separate Eslamic judicial system in Korea. “Eslam teaches us to respect the laws of the country we live in, but it’s time for Korea to cease legally and culturally repressing believers of Eslam.” The Ministry of Justice said it already operates a separate judicial system for foreigners, but followers of Eslam want to adopt so called ‘barrier’ law where English-speaking foreigners are tried in separate courts by other English-speaking foreigners and Eslamic punishments are dealt out to offenders. However, the government is not supportive of the system since it does not allow people to get stoned in Korea. It is also feared that Eslamists eventually want to see barrier law applied to Koreans as well as native-English speakers. Eslam already has its own security force, which patrols Korean streets searching for the incorrect use of English.

Using a derogatory term for non-English-speaking Koreans, the spokesman ended the video with the chilling words “These Kofirs should end their corrupt ways, stop worshiping their false language, and embrace an American way of life.”

In recent years Korean authorities have become increasingly concerned that radical Eslamists may pose a security threat, but attempts to control the group online have been unsuccessful. After websites and blogs which advocated violence were shut down, it is believed radicals infiltrated more mainstream sites like Eslcafe, which Korean security sources told us is now little more than a front for radical Eslamic elements.

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Sex Attackers Welcome Reassertion of Legal Protection

The Korean Association of Sex Attackers (KASA) - an umbrella organization which represents the large number of rapists, child molesters and casual sex assailants who practice their profession in Korea, have welcomed a court ruling yesterday which reasserts their legal protection.

In the case, the Seoul Central District Court sentenced a 50-year-old bus driver to six months in jail – suspended for two years – after he injured a male student who had been busy conducting a sex attack in his vehicle. The driver managed to stop the attack – the second the student had been involved in on the bus – but the student's eye was injured in the process. KASA said that the driver had abandoned his duty of driving the vehicle and hadn’t even let the student finish his sex attack before talking to him.

After the ruling, which KASA welcomed, a spokesman for the group told reporters at a press conference “Our members work in a difficult profession, sometimes at the same time as trying to hold down other jobs, and while they prefer to pursue their art in privacy, sometimes they have to conduct it in the public spotlight, which can be incredibly traumatizing for them. Recently some individuals have tried to interfere in our members’ activities and infringe on their human rights – we hope this case sends a powerful message that rape and sexual assaults are not a serious issue and other people should mind their own business when our members are conducting them.”

In recent months KASA had come under pressure on a variety of fronts. In October, a woman, who rules prevent from being a member of the male-only group, was accused of having sex with a 15-year-old student – shocking Korea’s misogynist establishment and leading to open questioning of whether sex with children over the age of 13 should be made illegal to prevent women from indulging in the previously male-dominated pastime. Then, some foreign sex attackers - who are treated more harshly than Korean men under the Korean legal system - called for KASA to open up its membership to non-Koreans so they can be afforded the same legal protections, but KASA refused. At the same time, KASA accused the Government of consistently and deliberately under-reporting the number of attacks its members conduct, making it difficult for the group to gain greater official recognition. The group was also angered when last year's Seoul Rape Festival was canceled at short notice after some shocked tourists were seen taking photographs of the signs.

In some court cases KASA says, sex attacks have even been called by their official dictionary definitions of assaults, molestations and rapes, negative language which the group believes can unfairly stigmatize its members and prejudice their legal cases. KASA welcomed not just the outcome of the legal ruling on Sunday, but also the wording, which accused the bus driver of stopping the male student “from making a scene”. The group prefers to characterize the actions of its members as ‘scenes’, ‘incidents’ or ‘happenings’ rather than ‘violations’ or ‘rapes’, and has accused some non-KASA members in the legal profession of deliberately using emotive language to portray them less positively.

Until the case on Sunday, the last legal victory for Korean rapists had come in May last year, when Seoul High Court cleared a man who had taken a woman's t-shirt after he broke into her home and attacked her. The Court ruled that when a man rapes a woman and is given something by her afterwards when he asks for it, it isn't theft if there is no threat involved. At the time KASA argued that "rape would be a very poorly paid occupation in Korea if our members were not legally able to obtain money and other items from the female participant afterwards."

But the successful case this week was the second win for the Korean Association of Sex Attackers in a week. On January 7th a judge in Seoul Southern District Court's 12th Criminal Division ordered a 58-year-old teacher – who had previous convictions for sexually attacking children - to pay a 5 million won fine after he was found guilty of molesting a 14-year-old girl in a store. In that case the judge said that while the lasting mental trauma caused to the victim was “not good”, the teacher’s decision to take early retirement following the hearing was “commendable” and unlike in the later bus-driver 'Good Samaritan' case he declined to impose a jail sentence. KASA’s official policy is to oppose prison terms for its members while accepting the need to pay fines and compensation on occasion. “This is just like paying for sex and makes those who unfairly try to prosecute our members look like whores, which is how our members - both within and outside the legal profession - and some other men in Korean society see them anyway.”

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Hyundai is Preferred Bidder for Bankrupt Hyundai

Hyundai was designated as the preferred bidder for the bankrupt Hyundai on Friday. At a shareholders meeting held in downtown Seoul, eight major creditors approved a proposal to sign a memorandum of understanding (MOU) to sell Hyundai to Hyundai. It was reported that the proposal was passed with 98.53% of the votes.

It is expected that creditors will sign the MOU before January 15th. Hyundai is expected to then conduct due diligence on Hyundai for about four or five weeks, since it isn’t familiar with the business, before signing a binding contract with creditors.

The situation followed a court ruling on Tuesday which supported the creditors’ cancellation of the MOU with Hyundai, the bidding rival of Hyundai. In November, Hyundai was picked as the preferred bidder to to take over Hyundai – creditors however scrapped the contract after doubts were raised over Hyundai’s ability to fund the purchase of bankrupt Hyundai.

Despite the ruling, there is a possibility that Hyundai will file a series of lawsuits against the creditors of Hyundai to prevent Hyundai signing the new MOU with Hyundai.

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K-Logic Stuns Math and Philosophy World

The worlds of math and philosophy have been stunned this week by the publishing of an academic paper unveiling an entirely new method of logical deduction. The new method, which has been termed 'K-Logic' - short for 'Korean Logic', by its authors, Professors Kim (62), Kim (61) and Kim (59) from Korea International University, differs radically from classical Greek derived logic which has long provided the foundation of questionable Western thought.

Traditional logic is generally broken down into the processes of inductive and deductive reasoning. Inductive reasoning draws general conclusions from specific examples, whereas deductive reasoning draws logical conclusions from definitions and axioms. Through a process of analysis and evaluation of what has already occurred something can then be said to be logically true or false. The paradigm shift in K-Logic is that it eschews historical analysis, instead drawing upon the work of Schrödinger and quantum theory to propose that if something is said to be true then it is true, or it will become true, at least in the Korean universe where the experimentation - which used puppies instead of cats - has taken place.

Once satisfied with their experimental results, the authors tested K-Logic against real world situations by carefully observing media stories and even conversations between individuals in volunteer groups. The results have been remarkable. While they have yet to be verified by peer review, K-Logic already appears to have proven that fan death really exists, kimchi cures cancer, native English teachers are all sex offenders and Dokdo is Korean territory.

But what is really remarkable about K-Logic is that just by creating the theory in Korea, by its own existence it automatically becomes fact, so while peer review is still pending, it is only an academic formality since it must be true - especially if reported on by the media. While the experimental results are technical, it has proven - since truth is rendered by mere opinion and hearsay - that the more widely something is said to be true, the more true it becomes. This means K-Logic can not be logically challenged, especially since if K-Logic were not correct it would logically infer that Dokdo is not Korean territory which it clearly, factually, is.

While more research will be done, the results also show that the kind of unstructured individualistic and seemingly random thought which so-called 'progressives' and 'liberals' support, can often contradict K-Logic, and therefore are counter-factual and anti-society. The authors of the paper say that people such as this, who are unable to properly process K-Logic thought, probably require psychiatric evaluation.

Some in Korea have said that the work is derivative, since all it proves is what Koreans knew anyway. But the Government, which sponsored the research and provided the puppies, is said to be very pleased with the results. The Ministry of Truth, which has long struggled with the question of how to teach Korean common sense as an academic discipline in schools, now says it has the scientific basis for teaching children how America was discovered by Koreans, and why the Japanese are an inferior nation.

There is also some doubt in academic circles that the work is entirely original however, with one American professor even directly accusing the authors of having plagiarized the work of Fox News and Joseph Goebbels, et al.

Alien Invasion 2012: Korea Times Posts First Alien Photo

Korean parody site The Korea Times has posted the first photo of the aliens which it says will reach Earth in December 2012, attracting a large number of Internet users at home and abroad.

The alien, which appears to be posing for the camera, has a human body with an octopus-like head, causing The Korea Times to liken it to the “Cthulhu monster”, which frequently appears in Korean seafood restaurants.

The report says that some believe it resembles Dr. Zoidberg from the popular Korean cartoon “Futurama”, while others insist that it is a half beast man which stars in the film “Pirates of the Caribbean”, a Disney copy of Korea’s highest-ever grossing movie “Pirates of the East Sea: The Curse of the Japanese”.

The Korea Times considers itself the gateway to Korea for foreigners, so it often viciously attacks them, although last year it was caught on CCTV and had to pay a fine, raising hopes that they may become more tolerant towards non-Koreans. However, in its article, the newspaper refers to the alien as a “monster”, suggesting that if anything its xenophobic editorial policy was becoming even more hardline. While The Korea Times site is clearly meant to be a joke, many South Koreans see it as a serious organization, and continue to get their news from it.

Despite the negative editorial spin, many Koreans welcomed the publishing of the photo, and were not afraid by it. 32-year-old Kim from Seoul, who saw the picture in the newspaper, said “I’ve always really liked eating octopus so I’m looking forward to the aliens’ arrival.” 20-year-old Kim, an English major at Seoul International University who heard about the story from watching the Fox News channel on Korean cable television and one day wants to work for the station, told us that the whole point of human rights is that the aliens don’t have them, potentially clearing the way for alien octopus heads to be served in local restaurants.

However, Kim is likely to be disappointed. Investigations by The Dokdo Times have revealed the picture to be a scene taken from the forthcoming Korean remake of Friends, with the character nicknamed 'Choey' – a Busan man known for his womanizing – wearing an octopus on his head rather than a turkey, as depicted in the American original.

Related Links
Korea Times - Is this an alien or octopus?
Another Year...Another Korea Times Article
Wikipedia - Cthulhu
Wikipedia - Rough Draft Korea

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Panic As Korea Times Reports Alien Spaceships Heading for Earth

War of the Worlds?

Korean parody site The Korea Times caused panic over the New Year period when it ran a report – citing former Soviet mouthpiece Pravda - revealing that researchers have identified three giant objects heading for Earth. The objects, which it described as “probably outer spaceships”, were up to 240 kilometers in diameter SETI scientists were quoted as saying.

SETI – the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence – was founded following widespread concerns that globally – with the exception of non-Hankyoreh reading Koreans – the human race was becoming dumber with each passing generation. Finally, having failed to find any additional intellectual capability elsewhere on Earth, SETI turned its search for extra intelligence to outer space.

With a Prime Minister who is frequently portrayed in Russia as ‘not of this world’, Pravda regularly runs alien-related stories which many in the global media community say are unbecoming of a serious news organization. However, in South Korea Pravda is a highly respected brand name which often lures unsuspecting journalists into repeating their claims verbatim.

Not realizing that the Korea Times article was probably part of an adaptation of the Orson Welles drama The War of the Worlds, some Korean citizens fled Seoul while others jammed police switchboards with reports of lights in the sky and smells like “poison gas”. Police later attributed the lights to a particularly large number of drunk people during the New Year festivities becoming terrified by street lamps, and the smell was initially said to be caused by swamp gas although further investigation revealed it to be kimchi-related. A police spokesman pointed out that The Korea Times had said the spaceships were still beyond the orbit of Pluto, and were not expected to pass by Earth until mid-December 2012, so there was no immediate need to panic.

While The Korea Times did not attribute an intent to the visitation, The Korea Herald ran the headline “3 giant spaceships will attack Earth in 2012: researchers”. It is not known how they came by the information that the aliens are hostile.

The left-wing Hankyoreh newspaper said that the alien threat was the fault of President Lee Myung-bak’s policies. In an editorial it wrote that “It is important to engage the aliens in constructive dialog while offering food and monetary aid, rather than repeating unhelpful ultra-hardline rhetoric.” The newspaper has been consistently critical of the President’s decision to hold military drills so close – in astronomical terms – to the Martian Limit Line. But it again denied alien involvement in the sinking of a South Korean navy vessel last year, which it continues to describe as the “Cheonan Warship Mystery” in a graphic on its homepage. Right-wing media groups have poured scorn on the newspaper however, pointing out that the people who vanished in South Korea between the 1950s and 1980s were clearly cases of alien abduction. Incredibly, The Hankyoreh has tried to blame South Korea’s own government of the period for the disappeared citizens.

The Government’s increasingly harsh policies on illegal aliens make it unlikely that the occupants of the giant spaceships will be welcome in South Korea, but in the event that aliens land here a plan has already been drawn up to house them in a special district in Ulsan. Another plan is being drawn up in case a military response is required, although it will not be ready until 2014. However, on their current trajectory, like the occupants of the original Orson Welles drama, the aliens are forecast to land in New Jersey. Despite the length of their journey, it is expected they will return home shortly afterwards.

Related Links
3 outer spaceships approaching Earth - Korea Times
3 giant spaceships will attack Earth in 2012 - Korea Herald
Google Pravda Aliens
More stunning flaws in Cheonan evidence
Misguided Jersey jokes only strengthen Jerseyans

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Japan Begins 'Hate Korea Year 2011'

"Daemado is our territory"

Japan, which lost control of Korea in 1945 and now regards the country as a rogue state, held lavish celebrations today to mark the beginning of ‘Hate Korea Year 2011’. The East Sea Pirate State, which still illegally occupies the Korean island of Daemado, even though it is rightfully Korean, and claims the island of Dokdo, even though it is factually Korean, intends to run a series of events through the year “highlighting Korea’s inferiority and duplicity.”

With a rapidly declining population - which has resulted in fewer people owning driving licenses - Japan’s anti-Korea campaign has had to switch from its use of traditional black vans - known as ‘gaisensha’ - which freely broadcast hate-speech on the streets of Japanese cities, to more modern and innovative methods. Key to this has been the launch of the ‘Hate Korea’ campaign on social network site Twitter. The Government hopes that by embracing technology, it will be able to reach out to a new audience, possibly even outside Japan.

As part of the plan, Japanese citizens are being encouraged to share their hatred of all things Korean under a so-called ‘hate_korea hashtag’. But people are being asked to add the ‘hashtag’ to all their Twitter messages – no matter what the subject, in the hope of making it a trending topic on Twitter during 2011 - raising awareness of the anti-Korean Wave which has already found success over the last few months, particularly in China and Taiwan. However, this has not been enough to stop the newly created ‘Korean Wave Index’ moving steadily higher on the Korean Stock Market, where it is traded.

Despite the animosity, as it’s closest neighbor Japan still leaves the keys to the country with Korea when it goes on holiday, but recently there has been growing disquiet in Tokyo political circles over what is increasingly seen as a cultural annexation of the country by Korean drama, popular music and makgeolli, a native-Korean rice wine that has incapacitated a significant number of Japan’s dwindling population. This three-pronged strategy has respectively neutralized Japanese housewives, young people, and older male office workers, leaving Japan with no effective cultural defense. Many believe it is already too late to resist the Korean cultural invasion, and the initial take-up of the ‘hate_korea’ hashtag has been slow – with neither of the country’s teenagers using it so far.

The ‘Korean Wave’ - or ‘hallyu’ as it is known, was inspired by a generation of Seoul bureaucrats who spent their spare time in university playing the PC computer game ‘Civilization’. As this ‘C-Generation’ took over from the earlier ‘386 Generation’ and began to direct foreign policy in Korea, they quickly realized that contrary to previous thinking Korea was unlikely to win a military victory against the rest of the world, and utilizing what they learned from Civilization, they began to focus Korean strategy on achieving a cultural victory instead. The new strategy appears to be achieving results in Japan, which until recently was trying to win an economic victory - a plan which initially showed promise but then stagnated several turns ago.

While Japan flounders in the face of Korea’s unique and superior culture, the progress of the Korean Wave has been slower in China, which appears to be successfully pursuing a military victory strategy.

Related Links
Twitter #hate_korea
Korean culture 'invades' Japan, a century after annexation
Hallyu faces turning point
Anti-Korean Wave Sweeps Taiwan
Uyoku dantai
Civilization

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